Let's set the scene: A young woman uses subterfuge, chicanery, and some well-orchestrated wardrobe choices to get close to and engage in an affair with a man she ultimately cannot have. The consequences are dire, as the man's professional career is nearly ruined, and in the end, the woman is left with only her memories and the hope that the man, whom she may never see again, can be happy. This is the tale that has captured America's heart as, to the surprise of many Sunday night, "Shakespeare in Love: Monica's Story" won the Academy Award for Best Picture.

The ceremony, which ended at 2:30 Tuesday afternoon, contained a few other surprises. Other Oscar winners included Best Actress Hillary Clinton and Best Actor Roberto Benigni, played by Pauly Shore. Benigni won for his performance in "Life is Beautiful," in which he plays a man who was sent to a Nazi concentration camp after being turned in by movie director Elia Kazan.

Hollywood now turns its attention to the upcoming opening of The Matrix, starring Keanu Reeves and his signature line, "Whoa." In a joke that will have significance to only a few alert readers, we note that the movie's motto is actually stolen from a University of North Carolina graduate course with the official title "STAT 150: No One Can Tell You What The Matrix Is. You Have To Experience It For Yourself."

Outside Hollywood, the drudgery of daily life continues. With the impeachment trial finally over, President Clinton was allowed to remove the electronic ankle bracelet and resume traveling the country. One of his first stops was a town named A Town Called Hope, Arkansas, where Clinton returned to dedicate his boyhood home. In front of the house in which he grew up, Clinton said, "This is the place I learned to walk and talk, to read and count, and to get myself naked." The house has been restored to its original condition, including the 1947 Frigidaire and the book from which Clinton learned to read, "Dick 'n Jane Doe."

From Arkansas, Clinton moved on to Los Alamos National Laboratory, which has recently been in the news as a result of the administration's controversial decision to relocate the lab to the outskirts of Beijing. In the mean time, Senator Bob Smith was castigating Clinton on the Senate floor for the fact that North Korea has the capability of reaching the West Coast with nuclear missiles, which they (the North Koreans, not the West Coast) developed as a result of classified information they (the North Koreans again) received beginning in 1982 in return for co-signing loans from Little Rock's Madison Guaranty Savings and Loan.

Reaction to these accusations was mixed. In a press conference, Clinton said, "Don't worry about any missiles they've developed -- we'll get them back soon enough." Meanwhile, each of the 143 one-hour news magazines breathlessly reported that Monica Lewinsky is "like, really concerned."

This newly-revealed capability of the North Koreans (which would be alarming if true in any sense other than "The North Koreans can reach the West Coast with nuclear missiles by loading them (the missiles) on big boats and shipping them there, except they already traded all their big boats for food"), was a major factor in the approval by both the Senate and House of a national missile defense system. The system, ridiculed as "Star Wars" by Democrats when first proposed 15 years ago, was approved by a nearly unanimous vote in each house of Congress, a development only slightly more suspicious to Americans than a straight party-line vote.

The system works on a principle similar to that used by Patriot missiles in the Gulf War, namely, to hope that the opposing missile is based on really cruddy technology. Recent technological leaps are encouraging, however, and the U.S. is now able successfully to shoot down 9 out of every 10 around-the-world balloon attempts.

Experts do have some concerns about the feasibility of such a system, though Monica Lewinsky is reported as being, "Like, really excited about it? I understand it's going to be ready on Memorial Day weekend? I've seen all the trailers? And I just think Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi is going to be really hot."