In the news over the last several weeks, Slobodan Milosevic created several dozen tornadoes and let them loose in the heartland of America, killing 44 people in Oklahoma and Kansas and 14 Columbine High School students. State Department officials are "concerned," but the Pentagon intends to continue its plan to destroy the Serbian air defense systems by crashing into them with Stealth bombers and Apache helicopters. Meanwhile, peace talks are scheduled to continue until the former Yugoslavia consists of one country for each person who lives there.

In Littleton, blame has been spread widely. Some criticize Eric Harris' appearance on the "I'm Going to Shoot Up My High School" episode of Jerry Springer. Others blame Charlton Heston and the NRA's "Triggers for Teens" program with its informational booklet, "How to Protect Yourself by Shooting Up your High School Before Someone Else Does." Further criticism was aimed at the NRA after it issued its policy statement supporting the use of pipe bombs as a "legitimate hunting technique." Fashion magazine Seventeen was shouldering some of the blame until people noticed the subtitle on the magazine's feature article last month, which showcased emaciated model Kate Moss -- "How to Shoot Up *At* Your High School (Heroin Chic: The Smack is Back)."

Political response has been varied. Conservative Colorado Governor Bill Owens, who campaigned in 1998 on a platform that (this is true) advocated less stringent handgun laws, for some reason recently decided against signing bills that would let just about anyone carry a concealed weapon. On the other side of the spectrum, liberal Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) said after a visit to Columbine High School, quote, "The, er, people who did this need, er, help."

Media coverage in the wake of the tragedy has been sober and thoughtful, as magazines and television programs rush to address the needs of teenagers. Newsweek's particularly insightful cover article, "Why Your Teen Is Going to Kill You," is considered an early front-runner for a Pulitzer Prize next year, although some have criticized the endorsement by U.S. News and World Report of Senator Trent Lott's plan to send each 14- to 18-year-old American boy into Kosovo as a ground troop.

That's the news. Now, the rest of the story.

The MWC staff is alive and well despite its recent foray into our nation's health-care system. Here is an actual accounting of the events of a few weeks ago:

Saturday

• 1500 - Begin experiencing sore throat pain while winning money at golf from alert reader Uncle Wally and non-MWC-readers Kevin and Mike. Write off sore throat as sympathy pains for all the choking the other golfers are doing.
• 2000 - Assauge pain with aspirin/caffeine/alcohol combination.
• 2300 - Experience return of pain, which is apparently quite angry it was sent away in the first place.

Sunday

• Every 20 minutes - Spit into cup to avoid pain of swallowing.
• Every 60 minutes - Watch first 5 minutes of Tae-Bo infomercial.
• Every 2 hours - Spray with Chloraseptic in futile attempt to assauge pain.
• Every 4 hours - Ingest half of the maximum daily dose of OTC painkiller. Rotate among aspirin, acetaminophen, and ibuprofen so as to avoid exceeding maximum daily dose of any one analgesic. Receive thanks from liver. All other times - Wallow. Practice moaning. Repeat as necessary.

Monday

• 0300 - Feel hypocritical for wanting to try gargling salt water after years of making fun of friends for gargling salt water.
• 0301 - Get over it; gargle salt water. Note that gag reflex still works.
• 0330 - Watch Tae-Bo infomercial
• 0400 - Wallow until 0700.
• 0700 - Call Primary Care Physician's number. Hear from answering service, "The office opens at 9:00."
• 0900 - Call PCP. ("They'll be in at 9:30.") Moan for 30 min.
• 0930 - Call PCP. ("They'll be in at 10:15.") Cry for 45 min.
• 1015 - Call PCP. ("They'll be in at 11:00.") Wallow for 45 min.
• 1100 - Call PCP. ("You have reached the office of Dr. Helen Gitlevich. Please leave a message.") Curse for 30 min.
• 1130 - Call PCP. Speak to live person who speaks only Polish. Or possibly Czech. Not that the distinction matters. Discover that PCP is on vacation for 1 week. Get hung up on.
• 1131 - Begin forming plans to shoot up former high school.
• 1135 - Call HMO. Discover concept of "covering physician." Wonder why PCP's office did not mention covering physician. Receive no reply.
• 1140 - Call PCP. Wonder aloud why PCP's office did not mention covering physician. Receive no reply. Discover covering physician's name (Dr. Peterson). Wait on hold for phone number for 7 (seven) minutes. Receive phone number.
• 1147 - Call Dr. Peterson. Discover Dr. Peterson is Dr. Pearson.
• 1230 - Drive 40 minutes to doctor's office. Try not to spit on self.
• 1310 - Start to fill out forms.
• 1340 - Complete forms.
• 1345 - Get weighed.
• 1346 - Throat culture.
• 1347 - Note that gag reflex still works.
• 1400 - Receive prescription for antibiotics
• 1409 - Fill prescription at Wal-Mart. Note to alert reader Greg Freeman: No Krogers in area.
• 1430 - Drive 40 minutes home. (Side note - Do you ever go out on the roads in midmorning or midafternoon? Where do all these [bad word] people come from, why don't they have jobs, and if they're not going to be doing anything useful, couldn't they at least stay home and watch Oprah? We love mankind, but people are really [bad word] us off these days.)
• 1510 - Take first dose. Await sweet, blessed relief. Continue awaiting sweet, blessed relief for 6 hours.
• 2100 - Achieve sweet blessed relief. Make offering to Cosmas and his twin brother Damian, the patron saints of chemical manufacturers.

Want to be a part of the miracle of modern pharmaceuticals? The industry needs your help. Every dollar counts, so send your checks today to CosmasAndDamian@MWC.org, and our crack staff will see that the money gets distributed amongst the needy.