Middle-Wing Conspiracy (MWC) is a fact-based essay on current events. Issue 4 is brought to you in the spirit of sharing with loyal readers more of the excitement of daily life at MWC. It is dedicated to alert reader Greg Freeman, without whom we never would have started stalking celebrities. Or been arrested. Previous issues are available at http://geocities.datacellar.net/Athens/Cyprus/8962/index.html.

Volume 2, Issue 4
May 10, 1999

Several weeks ago, we received the following urgent email warning about the toxicity of rat urine. Which was good, because in preparation for swimsuit season, we were about to embark on the Rat Urine and Dexatrim diet, which is favored by several celebrities who are qualified nutritionists in the sense that they have been paid cash money by the Dexatrim people.

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> >> From: Xxxxxxxx@XXXXX.XXXXXXXX.army.mil
> >> To: xxxxx@xxxx.xxxxxx.com, xxxxxxxx@kroger.com,
> >> xxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com, xxxxxxx@quanlaw.com,
> >> xxx.xxxxxxxx@infoworks-tn.com, xxx@xxxxxx.lcs.mit.edu,
> >> XXXxx@aol.com, xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx-xxx3.army.mil,
> >> XXXxxxxxx@aol.com
> >>
> >> Subject: FW: fw: Oh, NO, we're all going to DIE!! (fwd)
> >>
> >> Whenever you buy a can of coke or soda, please make sure you
> >> wash the top with running water and soap or, if not available,
> >> drink with a straw!
> >>
> >> A family friend died after drinking a can of soda! Apparently,
> >> she didn't clean the top before drinking from the can. The top
> >> was encrusted with dried rat's urine which is toxic and obviously
> >> lethal!!!!!
> >>
> >> Canned drinks and other food stuff are stored in warehouses and
> >> containers that are usually infested with rodents and then get
> >> transported to the retail outlets without being properly
> >> cleaned!!
> >>
> >> So you know what to do from now on folks...........

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We did, in fact, "know what to do from now on folks." We finished our can of Diet Coke, renamed the email "Important Message From MWC," attached a file named "list.doc," and forwarded it to 50 people in our address book. Then crack staff member Marty King wrote a letter to Dave Barry and sent it (this is true) in an envelope with "ATTN: RAT URINE DEPT." written all over it in green crayon.

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1 Herald Plaza
Miami, FL 33132
March 29, 1999

Dear Dave Barry,

I recently received the enclosed highly useful email warning about the dangers of rat urine on aluminum cans. (I mean the rat urine was on the cans, not the email warning. The email warning came via email.) It is an official U.S. government warning, in the sense that I received it from a friend who works for the U.S. government, and it is also highly accurate, as evidenced by the large number of exclamation points it employs.

If I recall correctly, several years ago, you mentioned that you thought that either domestic or "light" beer, or possibly domestic "light" beer, tastes like rat urine. The email made me think that, since domestic "light" beer is often served in cans, perhaps you discovered not that domestic "light" beer tastes like rat urine, but rather that rat urine tastes like rat urine.

All this brings me to the question: How did you know what rat urine tastes like?

Sincerely,
Marty King

P.S. I believe "Rat Urine" already is the name of a rock band.

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