Bubba Gets Diss'd in the Head, (Satire on Disfellowshipment)

Bubba Gets Diss'd in the Head

It wasn't Bubba's fault. Leastways, not like all those other times. He was minding his own business, as usual, when it started there in the back row of the Third Subdivided All-Encompassing Church of God, Twice Removed, A Health Ensured Ministry, TSACOG, TR, AHEM, (pron. "say-cog", followed by the sound of clearing one's throat).

Pastor Buck was elucidatin' on Point No. 5 of his 12 point sermon, "Salvation by Numbers", when Bubba's stomach started it's own amen-chorus of plumbing noises causing kids three rows away to giggle and snicker. Sneaking a peek at his watch, Bubba realized that Pastor Buck was running out of time, again, and this would be one of those "to be continued" sermons. He'd been waiting for years to hear points 8 through 12 of any sermon and was beginning to wonder if there were any points past 7, or if Pastor Buck was just bluffing.

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in Bubba's lower regions, a float valve topped out, activating an electromagnetic switch and sending a coded message racing to find Bubba's brain. In the next seat, Mama, Bubba's one true love and partner for life, wondered, "Will the message find Bubba's brain before Pastor Buck gets to Point No. 6?" So she punched him in a way that let him know,
"You're stomach's growling is disturbing the congregation and embarrassing me. Don't you have somewhere to go?"

They'd been married long enough that Bubba could interpret Mama's elbow. There must'a been 37 different things that she could say with that arm, without ever opening her mouth.
The sharp jab made Bubba flinch, jostling the float valve and setting off alarms in Bubba's head. Inside his head, red lights were flashing, siren horns were sounding in his head and a message began to scroll across the back of Bubba's eyeballs, "WARNING! EVACUATION SEQUENCE HAS BEEN ACTIVATED. YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS UNTIL FULL ACTIVATION! 29, 28, 27....".

Bubba gently rose and made his way to the aisle.
"24, 23, 22..."
He tried to walk calmly and quietly but his shoes squeaked loudly on the tile floor, and internal float valve alarms began going off all around the room. But Bubba had broken down first, so it was now okay for anyone else who needed to go.
"17, 16, 15..."
Bubba speeded up, only another 157 feet to the men's room.
"12, 11, 10..."
The door to the corridor only squeaked during services and if you turned it loose, it closed as subtly as a spoon going through a garbage disposal.
"6, 5, 4...."
Bubba became a blur down the hall and around the corner and through the door...
"3, 2, ...."
Ahhhhhh! He'd made it. The discomfort quickly abated.

That's when he noticed Deacon Junior Sqeeler at the next fixture, and beyond him, Elder Allus Somber. Bubba visited this room often but he'd never seen any "ordained" men in here during services before. It just wasn't done, but Bubba wasn't privy to the business of the church "pillars" as they always met separately from the rest of the congregation sorta like church business was done in the Holy of Holies, away from the unwashed brethren.

Junior started it off innocently enough with, "Hey, Bubba!"

Bubba's eyes, which had glazed over in all the excitement over Point No. 5, now focused on the wall in front of him, as he responded, "Hey, Junior!", "Hey, Elder Somber!"

Elder Somber and Deacon Sqeeler were having the usual bathroom discussion about coffee and performing the token washing of hands, when the Deacon turned back to Bubba and asked, "Say Bubba, have you heard all this talk about the latest tape from that independent guy, what'shisname?, Pastor Breakaway?" "I hear he really lets the corporate types have it!"

"Aw, it wasn't that bad. He just talks about how they don't tolerate any . . outside . . . influence....", trailing off as he wondered about the possible repercussions of commenting positively on anything not approved by HQ.

But it was too late!

Out of the stalls came the Bobb brothers, Joe Bobb and Billy Bobb, the two biggest ushers in the congregation. They surrounded Bubba, who was trying to get his garments fastened without serious personal injury like the last time he got in a hurry and had to go to the ER to get himself uncomplicated from his zipper.

Elder Somber had begun chanting, in a Gregorian sort of way, "In accordance with the Byelaws of the Third Subdivided All-Encompassing Church of God, Twice Removed, A Health Ensured Ministry, namely section 27U, Paragraph 7c, Subsection G, "Procedures for the Subtracting of Members From the Mailing List, as amended by the Third Ministerial Junket to Oahu for the Emergency Relief of Those Starving Somewhere, and as amended by the Fourth Ministerial Junket to Oahu for Seconds, and by the Divine authority invested in me by the Third Subdivided All-Encompassing Church of God, Twice Removed, A Health Ensured Ministry, I do hereby find you guilty of causing Division within The Church registered as Third Subdivided All-Encompassing Church of God, Twice Removed, A Health Ensured Ministry, and by the power invested in me, I do hereby declare you as corpus heinous, summa go quietly and disfellowshipped forthwith, effective Tuesday, last. Do not pass the refreshment table. Do not collect any doughnuts."

Somewhere in all this, Bubba had begun to sputter, "But, but, but..."

Elder Somber continued without pausing, "You have the right to go away quietly. You have the right to do nothing about it. Anything you say, can and will be used against you to further discredit you in the eyes of the congregation. Should you give up any of these rights, we shall deny everything."

Bubba was flabbergasted! (He was also halfway out of the building on the arms of Joe Bobb and Billy Bobb. Somber was following behind, like the priest escorting the condemned to his fate.)

"But, but, but..." protested Bubba weakly. He'd known about disfellowshipment but he'd never actually seen one. Normally it was done apart from services and announced after it was all over, along with the softball scores, ladies club meeting and fruit sales results, during the announcement period.

Elder Somber wasn't finished, "You shall be escorted outside the sanctuary, er, building. These services of the Third Subdivided All-Encompassing Church of God, Twice Removed, A Health Ensured Ministry, are private services and if you do not leave immediately, we shall call the police."

"But all I did, was listen to a tape!", pleaded Bubba.

Elder Somber clapped his hands over his ears and shouted, "He's speaking blasphemy men, don't listen to him!"

Junior began to tear at his own leisure suit and shout, "Stone him!, Stone him!", but Elder Somber slapped him, and Junior changed to, "Put him out!, Put him out!"

The door latching sounded like a guillotine dropping behind Bubba, as he found himself alone on the sidewalk. "What in the ....", but that thought was interrupted by the realization that Mama was still in her seat, still listening to Point No. 5.
"They better not touch Mama", he thought, but then he remembered that they weren't that stupid. He still couldn't believe it. Someone must have made a mistake.

Pastor Buck was trying to decide whether to speed up and try to give the last seven points, or slow down and save them for next time. He'd been trying to give a 12 point sermon for so long that he wondered if he still had points 6 through 12 to give.
As he repeated Point No. 5 for the eighteenth time, an usher handed him a folded note with the words, "It is done." scribbled on the outside. "Oh yeah," he remembered, "Someone was getting dismembered today."

The room gradually became quieter as the congregation woke up to see if someone had left their lights on. Pastor Buck shuffled papers looking for the announcement, and began reciting from memory, "Brethren, it is with much sadness that I must make the following announcement . . . Occasionally we have someone who causes division and . . . .".
He still hadn't found the letter, and he needed the name.

The room was in total silence. Everyone was looking around to see who was absent. This and ordinations were the two most exciting events in the Third Subdivided All-Encompassing Church of God, Twice Removed, A Health Ensured Ministry, and no one was being ordained anymore.

Mama was wondering what was keeping Bubba. The elderesses kept looking in her direction, probably cause Bubba's seat was empty. She wished he'd come back so they'd stop staring.

Pastor Buck finally found the letter, "after much counseling, among the elders and fasting and prayers, among the elders, we are forced by the actions of a FORMER member of this congregation of Third Subdivided All-Encompassing Church of God, Twice Removed, A Health Ensured Ministry, . . ."

Mama noticed that the elders were also staring in her direction. She turned toward the back and noticed the Bobb brothers standing nearby, looking nervous. "Hmmmph!", she thought, "What have they got to be nervous about? They're big enough to escort anyone here out, if it's someone who's still here. Big enough to take anyone. . . . except . . . Bubba? . . .Where . . . ?..............
NOOOOOOO!!!!!"

It hit her all at once, as she heard Pastor Buck say, ". . . having no other choice but to mark and disfellowship, delivering to the Devil, one Bubba Bugtussel. May God have mercy on his soul."
"Well, I see we're outa time, so I'll just give the remaining seven points next time, or the time after that, or whenever I get around to it, yada, yada , yada . . ."

But Mama was no longer hearing Buck's chatter. Everyone was staring at her. Several who hadn't already known, had gasped in surprise.
The Elders were frowning. Their wives were whispering, "She oughta go with her husband, otherwise it'll just cause a lot of gossip and split the congregation."
Most folks were just speechless, and thoughtless. The latter was not unusual, but the former was due to the surprise, for some.

Mama knew now what had happened. Someone had caught Bubba making one of his non-corporate comments and he had been raptured, probably right out of the rest room. "He's not coming back, or he'd already be here." she realized. " They musta rushed him out the back door, that's why the Bobb brothers are here--to see that she didn't cause any trouble."

The congregation was beginning to stand for the closing song. She knew that's when they would try to get her out of the room.
Unknown to her, the Bobb brothers were nervous for a different reason. Bubba had gone without a tussle, but she was still here. And Bubba once confided to them that Mama was the only person Bubba was afraid of. She was short and cute, but she had once been a police officer and had surprising strength and speed. She had accidentally hurt Bubba more than once, usually while they were "sporting" as Moses had put it. Besides, once she found out about Bubba, she'd be more dangerous than a she-bear with a cub. So they were keeping a respectful distance and hoping she'd take the hint and leave.

Mama wasn't going anywhere 'til she knew for sure where Bubba was, but just then a friend leaned over to whisper that he was already outside. So Mama glared once at the Bobbs, startling them into an involuntary step backwards. She turned back toward the elders and elderesses, who turned away quickly, with some token embarrassment. The shunning had begun.

She purposely took her time gathering her things. She would leave with dignity, and politely, showing more class than she and Bubba had been shown. Passing the bulletin board, she noticed a copy of the dis-letter already posted, and dated ....last Tuesday!

Her exit was none too soon. Outside Bubba had already gone through the steps of disbelief, denial, self-examination, attempted reasoning, and was fully involved in righteous indignation. He wasn't saying anything and Mama recognized the signs. His jaw was clenching and unclenching as he ground his teeth. He had stopped pacing and was staring, eyes glazed, envisioning all the possible ways of extracting vengeance on those who had wronged him.

Mama walked straight up to him and kissed him fully on the lips.
Bubba growled, cause that was the only thing that could break his concentrated fury.
Mama kissed him again on the cheek, saying, "We've better places to be.", and headed off toward their truck.

"She'd done it again.", Bubba thought. He was still mad, but now he was aware of his need to repent. "She's right," he thought, there must be a better place somewhere."

[Note: The preceding is an amalgamated yet non-corporate account of numerous, actual events as reported by the victims, by witnesses (including the author), and/or relatives of the dismembered. It is only slightly fictionalized. Bubba doesn't always repent this fast.]

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