BUBBA ATTACKS MARY KAY
(and escapes with minor injuries)
Now breakfast being ended, Bubba announces to his missus, "Mama, recon I'll mosey on down to the library today and do some research. No use lettin' all these other cyberfolks have all the fun, and I'm tired of tryin' to figure out this calendar business for now."
Mama grunted in reply. She'd been in a foul mood ever since THAT word had appeared on their monitor. Like a ghost from the past, it had just materialized on the screen before her. She overcame the initial shock to delete it into oblivion but for every post she destroyed, two more came. There was no way to keep Bubba from seeing it.
It'd been...,what?...seven years,..maybe more, since the famine of foundation, the mascara massacre, the lack of Loreal, the humiliation of being seen naked-faced in all the wrong places. Seven years banned, seven years allowed, it was back, right on schedule. Like the plagues of history, it just wouldn't stop cycling back to wreak havoc and misery and nearly forgotten pains of mourning that darkened nearly all the days of her high school and college years.
She knew what Bubba would be researching at the library. He'd probably have that cute little librarian with the chest implants and bleached blond hair help him find the books. Bet he doesn't call her a Jezebel. Oh well, if she's there, he probably won't be able to keep his eyes in the dumb books.She fought it, but the memories came flooding back, 'Prostitute!', 'Harlot!', 'Unnatural!', all the epithets.......'Unnatural', my ....?!? "Natural?.....That's IT!!!!", she grinned knowingly. She was no longer a timid, helpless teenager, intimidated by middle-aged men with nothing better to do than try to legislate physical righteousness in something that didn't directly affect them.
She was older and wiser now. "He wants natural? I'll give him natural!", she muttered as she began digging through her closet.Meanwhile, down at the library, Bubba found himself steadying the ladder for Barbie, the blond librarian, as she reorganized books on a top shelf.
"Just as soon as ah finish up heah, I'll be mo' than happy to help you find that book, suh."
"Ah shorely do appreciate yoah help with this ol' ladder. Ah almos' fell twice this moaning."
"Yoah such a sweetie, dahling!"Bubba was trying to keep his eyes on the bottom of the ladder but she kept turning to speak to him and he was too much a gentleman to not look at her face when she spoke. But that skirt was waaaay too short for ladder work. So he would look directly at her face wishing his peripheral vision weren't so good and when she turned away, he would snap his head back down. He was going to have a case of whiplash if this went on much longer.
"Don't even think about those legs.", he kept telling himself. Think about Mama. Mama's beautiful. Even without her makeup, he thought his wife truly was beautiful. And she always smelled so good. Of course this morning she had smelled like biscuits and gravy as she prepared breakfast.
She'd really been torqued about something,... torqued to the point he wasn't asking questions, not yet anyway.The faint fragrance Barbie was wearing, was not eau-d-gravy. He thought of asking her what it was called but then he thought better of it. He probably was already in trouble at home, no use asking for more.
"Oh Crumb!" Barbie yelled as the ladder shook. Bubba's head snapped back up to see that she had taken two steps down the ladder while her skirt was still at it's previous elevation, snagged on the ladder's hardware.
"Heah, take these, pulease!" she cooed, shoving the books toward Bubba.
He tried to concentrate on the books. He tried not to be aware of her long, sleek, well-tanned legs. "Concentrate, Bubba!" he kept telling himself. "Mama's beautiful." "Mama has beautiful legs." "But they're not THAT brown.", a thought interrupted.
"Probably get skin cancer if she keeps tanning like that.", he countered to himself.
"She's not wearing hose." came another thought. "Stop it, Bubba! You're not some hormonal teenager anymore! CONTROL your thoughts, boy!" "Glad Mama can't see me now.", he thought. "Else my hide would be tanner than those legs." "Stop thinking legs man!, Get a grip."
"There now." Barbie breathed as she descended the ladder. "Now let's find that little ol' book for you."
"Perfect teeth too." Bubba thought, following her down the aisle.
The "research" didn't really take all that long as there weren't very many books on the subject. But he got sidetracked several times on other topics before making a few photocopies and heading home. "Need to see if there's any more scriptures that apply," he thought, "before I post my notes on the religious forums."
Mama greeted him at the door with a kiss. "Back so soon, Bubba? I do hope you found everything you were looking for.", she smiled.
Bubba just stared at the little green specks all over Mama's teeth. "Musta been sumthin she et.", he thought to himself. He almost forgot to be surprised at the difference in her attitude.
"While you were gone, I condensed all the posts on makeup for you, dear.", handing him a single sheet of paper."
He started reading, still wondering about the green specks:
"Summary of Posts Regarding Makeup"
1) Commandments, statutes, judgments and ordinances by God, Christ, the prophets, or the
apostles, forbidding the wearing of makeup: . . . . (none).2) Scriptures used to imply that the wearing of makeup in any amount is wrong due to the
contextual association of makeup with evil people or punishments:1 Pet. 3:34 (If taken literally as a ban, this forbids braiding hair, wearing jewelry and "the wearing of clothes". No mention of makeup.)
Lev. 19:20 (Forbids cutting one's flesh for the dead and printing marks upon one's self. No mention of makeup.)
2 K. 9:30 Jezebel "painted her face" "adorned her head" and "looked out her window"
(Note: If this is a condemnation of makeup, then head adornment and "looking out windows" are also condemned.)3) Scriptures quoting God, Christ, Prophets or Apostles as stating that physically changing one's appearance is sin: . . .(none).
4) Scriptures used by some to imply that changing one's appearance is evil due to the contextual association:
Eze. 16 "God's bride" (No mention of makeup or changed appearance)
Eze. 23:40 "you did wash yourself", "painted your eyes", "decked yourself with ornaments", "sat on a bed", "a table was prepared"
(No condemnation of anything here except harlotry. By association, washing (bathing), jewelry, beds and tables with food would also be condemned.)"Is this all there is?", asked Bubba.
"Well, the rest is opinions, assumptions, and speculations," she answered, "with perhaps a bit of cultural history." "There are some other things to consider, though." "I've been thinking that perhaps natural is the right way to go. Perhaps the more righteous way." She smiled, handing him another sheet of paper.
There were those green flecked teeth again. "I better not make any sudden moves." he thought, "Especially with my big mouth."
He began to read, silently, but thinking about the possible repercussions:"Ways to be Natural and Thereby More Righteous"
Stop using all the following items which are used to modify one's "natural" appearance or condition:
makeup
perfume
deodorant ("B.O?", he thought.)
lotions (alligator skin?)
shampoo or conditioners (dandruff?)
breath mints (bad breath?)
toothpaste (yellow teeth?)("That's it." Bubba realized, "She didn't brush the broccoli out of her teeth.")
bathroom deodorizer (yuuuk!)
combs or haircuts
shaving of beards
cutting nose hairs (eeeouuuh!)
cutting ear hairs
plucking eyebrows
exercise (to look like you're fit when you're not)
fingernail or toenail cutting (gross!)
eyeglasses (blindness?)
hearing aids (deafness?)
dentists (toothaches?)
shoulder pads in men's suits
tapered men's shirts
pointed toed cowboy boots (lose my Lucheses?)
shoes with heel over 1&5/8 inches (lose my Reebok Hikers?)
sunglasses
umbrellas
air conditioning in the summer (No way!!)
heating in the winter (forget it!!)
clothing of any kind (become a nudist?)As Bubba finished the list, he thought, "Well she ought to be satisfied, now that she's made her point."
"And I thought this would be so easy."
"Perhaps I should think about getting back to my calendar paper."As they prepared for bed that night, Mama removed her robe to reveal a full length, all cotton, granny gown with a cabbage rose pattern in pink and green.
"What's THAT!", sputtered Bubba. His wife had always worn those flimsy little teddies that he liked so well.
"Oh, this?" she smiled through still-green teeth. "Well those old nylon things are not natural fibers and I am getting older. Perhaps I should dress my age now. Unless of course, you prefer 'au natural'?"
Turning out the light before he could answer, she slipped off the gown and hopped in beside her husband. But not too close, not just yet.Bubba closed his eyes and the legs were back. Long, sleek, tan legs. He turned over. Long, beautiful legs, descending a stairway. "Pray", he thought and they'll go away.
"Now." thought Mama. She pulled up her legs and moved against her husband, then stretching out, slid her leg all the way down Bubba's.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!He came almost straight up off the bed.
"WHAT THA.....!!!!!!"
"Oh, I'm sorry dear. I didn't mention about not shaving my legs, did I? It'll grow out in a week or so and it'll be soft and furry just like yours." Turning over, she tried to stifle her laughter.
As Bubba sat there rubbing the wounds down his leg, she added, "I am concerned though, if my armpit hair gets as long as my Granny Gert's, I may have to braid it to prevent tangles." Grinning to herself, she fell blissfully asleep.
Poor Bubba.
The vision of long brown legs was gone now. In their place was the nightmarish specter of his once lovely wife, with fur covered legs, braided armpit hair down to her elbows,.....and green teeth.
Lying back down, he sighed. "Forget this. I'm going to stick to my calendar paper."***
Moral: Attack extremes, strive for balance in all things.
(The Author), (who doesn't know anyone named Barbie)
Articles SiteMap Humor TopicGuides StudyGuides ContactUs Copyright M.H. and G.H. 1996. All Rights reserved.
