Hey!, Wanna See Some Sin?
"Cry aloud, spare not, lift up your voice like a trumpet and show my people their transgressions
and . . . their sins." Isa. 58:122. Lies
22.4. Why do we lie?
There are probably as many alleged "reasons" as there are people. But in the simplest of terms, they all fall into one or more of three groups: fear, greed and hate.
1. Fear (of being rejected, and fear of losing something [greed]):
"One other point to make, in identifying who may be an individual who lies, is a simple characterization of the perpetrator. Kashy and DePaulo, in a 1996 study, attempted to diagram the "liar". It was found that those who tended to lie more were individuals who were more concerned with self-presentation and were more sociable. Those that tended to tell fewer lies, were more highly socialized, and reported higher satisfaction with same-sex relationships. It was also noted, not surprisingly, that individuals who tended to lie more, told more self-serving lies rather than altruistic, "white lies"."
"Lying and Deception in Relationships"
This tutorial was produced for Psy 324, Advanced Social Psychology, Spring 2000 at Miami University.
http://www.muohio.edu/psybersite/bars/lying.htx (Emphasis ours.)
2. Fear of conflict:"Behavioral scientist Wendy Gamble, associate professor at the University of Arizona's School of Family and Consumer Sciences, has studied lying among school children, finding that children show a surprisingly sophisticated understanding of lying as a communication and relationship tool. "Children are very savvy in using deceit to preserve and maintain relationships. They learn that this behavior helps avoid conflict." They also weigh the consequences of getting caught. "In deciding to tell the truth or lie, children think through what the other person might think if they find out. Even young children (6-8 years old) consider the impact and consequences. They understand the trust issues that are involved. Children know it's risky and can be very harmful to relationships.
Children tell more pro-social lies to peers. They tell more selfish (i.e., to conceal a misdeed or protect the self at the expense of another) and self-enhancement (avoid embarrassment, disapproval or punishment) lies to their mothers.
There was no gender difference in the numbers and types of lies told.
Children did tell the truth more often than they lied."
"Truth or Consequences: a Look at Lying", March 27, 2001
Mary Bridget Reilly
http://www.uc.edu/news/ebriefs/lie.htm
3. Fear and Greed:
LYING - PATHOLOGIC"There is a reason why you are asked in court to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. It's because most of the time, that's not what people do."
"Everyone lies sometimes. There are many reasons to lie. Sometimes we do not want to hurt someone's feelings. Sometimes we lie for our own advantage. We lie in business and in our personal lives. Most adults are aware of it when they lie. Sometimes pathological lying appears to be related to physical causes, such as problems in the brain. Other times they appear to be related to low self-esteem."
Copyright (c) 1998 HBOC National Health Call Center Group
http://www.nebraskahealthsystem.com/TOPICS/MENT3153.HTM (Emphasis ours.)
4. Fear (of being unpopular):
What makes charismatic liars so effective is that they believe their own lies.
"They are not acting," says Ford. "People with a strong sense of personal identity have difficulty being good actors. Good actors can pretend. They can change their identity."
The truly charismatic liars are more believable because they actually feel they are telling the truth.
As well, we are more inclined to believe what physically attractive, famous and powerful people tell us, whether it's true or not, he explains. Ford places this behaviour in the "transference" category.
"When we think people have a certain authority over us or that they are better than us, they remind us of our parents so we accept anything they say without question," he says.And lying, as an acceptable, even admirable, social skill, is gaining popularity, explains Ford.
Politicians who walk away unscathed from their lies and continue to be adored by their public reinforce the message it's okay to lie under certain circumstances. Who can forget the words of the world's most charming prevaricator, former U.S. president Bill Clinton: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."Ford is convinced there are a number of forces conspiring to turn us into liars. He blames the media, particularly television, for spreading the word that lying is not only useful but fun. Remember the pathological liar on Saturday Night Live who suffixed his bragging with "That's the ticket." In the movie Liar, Liar, actor Jim Carrey played a lawyer forced to become a straight-shooter and the result was mayhem.
Shows like Ally McBeal and The Practice weekly reinforce the message that while honesty may be the best policy, sometimes it's necessary to bend or bury the truth to save an innocent client's skin. As spectators, we become mesmerized by the performances and numb to the lies.Judge Judy lets us watch as she searches for truth in the pack of lies she's told by the various parties who plead their cases in her televised small claims court. And reality shows like Survivor, where alliances are forged and broken on a regular basis, teach us that when push comes to shove, a little creative deception may be necessary to stay alive.
Ford also points an accusing finger at the impersonal or "virtual" nature of online communication for this new wave of liars. The online variety begin by creating a false name and follow through with a completely manufactured identity. They feel no compunction to tell the truth because they feel distanced from the harm they inflict and, more important, imagine they're less likely to be caught. It follows the whole "look me straight in the eye" logic. For thousands of young male braggarts, the Net has become the high school locker room where sexual boasting is a part of passage into manhood."
"And now, the lying game.: From Clinton to Archer, the combination of charm and deceit is powerful.
by David Graham, Life Writer, Toronto Star, July 23, 2001
http://www.earthtym.net/ref-charismatic.htm (Emphasis ours.)
5. Fear (Self-protection, Fear of Truth):
“Each of us in our way selectively chooses what we wish to say,” says psychologist Charles Ford, author of Lies! Lies!! Lies!!!, “or we choose not to provide the whole truth.”
"Lying to protect yourself is the most common sort of lie, psychologists agree. Another common lie is self-deception. You convince yourself that red traffic light was still yellow to protect yourself from feeling like a lawbreaker. You buy yourself a one-in-a-gazillion chance to win the lottery and yet you’re sure you’ll be the who wins. Or, on a more serious note, you ignore warning signs of a grave illness."
"A pathological liar, Ford says, is someone who lies even when the truth would serve them better."
http://more.abcnews.go.com/sections/living/dailynews/lying0220.html (Emphasis ours.)
By this definition all liars are pathological because, according to God, the truth is always better than a lie.
"And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (Jn. 8:32).
6. "Social lies, or white lies, are so common most people wouldn't even call them lies. The intent is not to deceive, but to respect the other person's sensitivity."
This is a lie we tell ourselves for any one or all of various reasons.
One reason is that often we are afraid to tell the truth because we fear losing something. We don't know how to be both absolutely truthful and how to demonstrate love at the same time. We fear that if we tell the absolute truth we shall hurt or end the social relationship. This lying is not out of love or sensitivity, but out of selfishness. We do this with family, close friends, employers and coworkers, or in any relationship where we feel we have something to lose by telling the truth.
Another reason is that we don't really care but we still wish to avoid an unpleasant or dangerous situation. We do this when shopping or traveling. We do it with neighbors, strangers or even acquaintances. We do it because we don't know the other person very well, so we don't really care. And we do it whenever there is a chance that it will somehow inconvenience us by taking up time or placing us at some risk. In other words we are afraid of losing something whether it is time, safety, or the investment of emotional effort on our part.
If the true reason for lying is sensitivity or loving concern for others, then why do we turn around and gossip behind their back to others about the lie? Why do we use their question to belittle, ridicule or slander them to others? We pretend to ourselves that it is sensitivity, but in reality, we do not respect them enough to make the effort to convey truth without being offensive. What we are demonstrating by the lying is that the individual or the relationship isn't worth the effort to tell the truth. And while we are too lazy or "too busy" to put the effort into one social relationship to tell the truth, we still have enough time and energy to use the question and the lie as gossip material in some other social relationship.
We claim sensitivity, but the fact is that we are too insensitive and contemptible of others to be able to tell the truth.In some cases, we may know from previous experience that the person really doesn't want the truth. They are practicing self-deception and do not want to be disturbed in their fantasy. For us to lie to them makes us an enabler of their self-deception in the same way that we can enable alcoholics or drug abusers. The fact that others choose to lie to themselves does not require that we participate in their lying. We make a choice to participate or not, depending upon our own fears or insensitivity. We choose to participate in their lying because we fear losing something or because we don't really care enough to hold up the truth. Again it comes down to fear or insensitivity. Insensitivity is a lack of love, or in other words, hate.
"Open rebuke is better than secret love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." (Pro. 27:5-6).
7. Involuntary Social Flattery:
Most social lies are told because of what is asked, how it is asked, when it is asked and of whom it is asked. We are "put on the spot", or we "put others on the spot" with subjective questions while claiming to want an objective answer.
We ask the questions but the truth is that we are afraid to hear the truth. We suspect or know the truth before we ever ask the question. But we try to lie to ourselves about the reality and we look to others to confirm our self deception. Either that, or we may be looking for someone to stroke our vanity. And vanity is also a form of self-deception, which brings us back to the same point anyway.
We are too easily offended and too blind to reality concerning ourselves. This places others in an awkward position. Do they tell us the absolute truth and risk losing our friendship? It's even worse in a family situation. If they tell us the truth, the risk is that we may never speak to them again. If they do, it may be to tell us the absolute truth about our self, something else we may not be willing to risk hearing.
So we have an unspoken but socially mutual agreement that I will support your self delusion if you will support mine.
When we tell the absolute truth, even carefully with sensitivity, and in love, there is always a great risk of triggering a defensive response, one of self-perseveration or more accurately, perseveration of the self-deception. Some normal responses would be, "You don't understand me!" or, "You don't really know me!" or, "If you really cared about my feelings, you wouldn't be so insensitive!". The truth behind these responses is either, "I can't see the reality." or "I don't want to face the reality.".If we really want the absolute truth, we need to be more careful in what, how, when, and whom we ask. We need to give others time to answer. Statistics show that most people readily admit to lying when under pressure of time or of relationship. Perhaps most importantly, we need to carefully consider which questions we ask and how we ask them.
For a woman who is five feet tall and has 60-inch hips, to ask her husband, "Does this make my backside look big?" is simply unfair. A better question would be, "Does this make me look bigger than I am?". The husband who loves his wife could possibly answer truthfully, "You look wonderful in that.", but he should be lovingly subjective, and in effect may only saying that he loves her regardless of how big she is. Perhaps that is all the wife really wanted to know. But if she is really wanting to know how she appears to others, qualifying the question with, "I want the truth.", or "I want your honest opinion.", then he could truthfully answer, "You know that black makes everyone look smaller.", or "Well, you know that loud colors often make people look larger than they really are.". She already is quite well aware of her pants size, and of what she sees in the mirror, so it's not a question of how big is she. It can be a question of how does she look to others and assurance that she looks "presentable, in spite of the physical reality of size and society's bias against it".The point here is that it is possible to always tell the truth and still be sensitive, loving, kind, and gentle.
But it takes more effort and time to tell the truth "in love" without giving offense. Sometimes it not as simple as the question you were asked. Sometimes it requires that we determine what is the real motive behind the question. "Why are you asking?", "Why did you ask me?", "What difference will the answer make?", "How will the answer affect . . . ?", are a few of the questions that can help determine which truth is being sought or if truth is desired at all. Failure to answer a question directly and promptly can appear to be evasive, so care must be used. The apparent evasion can and often will be taken as a negative answer because the reason for asking is a feeling of insecurity.
And what about all those who don't really want to hear the truth? Most articles on lying refer to the fact that "everyone does it". If everyone actually wanted to hear only the truth, then this universal lying would not be tolerated. The truth is that people don't always want the truth, either about themselves or about the world around them. A world that accepts lying as normal and sometimes necessary, does not want the truth. So, when society says it wants truth, it is really just another lie, another self deception. It is a world-wide hypocrisy to claim to want only truth but to accept the telling of lies as normal.Another form of involuntary social flattery is the lie of silence. Being silent is not considered a form of conversation, except when it is presented and received by others as agreement to a statement. If the statement is false and by your silence, you are perceived to be in agreement, then you have lied by your silence. This is not a matter of mind reading. We know when we do this. We can usually tell when others do it, by their eyes, their face and their body movements. If there is any doubt, all one has to do is ask. When self deception is involved, there may be no motivation to ask.
Christ never said, "Lie to fools.", but he did say "Answer a fool according to his folly." (Pro. 26:5), which does not mean we have to tell a lie. The rest of that scripture says, "lest he be wise in his own conceit.". In other words, "don't lie by your silence lest he takes it as agreement and continue to believe his self-deception."
Some alternatives to lying are: changing the subject, answering a different question than the one asked, ignoring the question, or answering the question with a question. Christ used all these. He also said, "Answer not a fool according to his folly."(Pro. 26:4), which shows that lying to shore up someone's vanity or self-deception, or their mis-conception, is also wrong even if that is what they want to hear.Someone once said, "Ask me no questions and I shall tell you no lies.". We ask questions when we don't really care what the answer is. "How are you?", is probably the most common one. We pretend to show interest and concern when the truth is that we couldn't care less. We have lied by asking the question. The common response is "I am fine, thanks.", when it's not the absolute truth. We lie because we know the other person is just being "polite" and really doesn't want to hear about our problems. We hear the response of "fine" and we are relieved, that we don't have to listen to a list of health, emotional, economic, or relationship problems.
So we lie in the question and we lie in the answer. And we lie by telling ourselves and each other that this social "politeness" is "Christian", or an "imitation of Christ". Christ actually loved the people in the world. He didn't "fake it" and then pretend the fakery was real. He condemned hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy, noun,
Etymology: Middle English ypocrisie, from Old French, from Late Latin hypocrisis, from Greek hypokrisis act of playing a part on the stage, hypocrisy, from hypokrinesthai to answer, act on the stage, from hypo- + krinein to decide
1 : a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not; especially : the false assumption of an appearance of virtue or religion
2 : an act or instance of hypocrisy
http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary
Social flattery, whether voluntary or involuntary, is hypocrisy. Its basis is fear.
The solution is not to continue in hypocrisy or sin, but to learn to actually care about, and to love one another. And to speak the truth, in love.
8. Fear (Self-protection through greed and selfishness):
"For more than 10 years, swindler Christopher Rocancourt slimed his way across North America bilking the rich and famous out of their millions using a variety of aliases -- the son of Sophia Loren, a friend of Bill Clinton and nephew of director Dino de Laurentis to name a few. In news reports this charming liar has been variously described as a "dangerous, repeat criminal" and "dashing."
People like Rocancourt learn early in life that regular folks are more than willing to lap up their fabulous fabrications as long as they pour on the charm. And being attractive often works in their favour.
"These people are frequently very narcissistic," says Dr. Charles Ford, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Alabama in Birmingham and author of Lies! Lies! Lies!!! The Psychology of Deceit.
"They feel the world revolves around them. They feel they are entitled to reshape reality to meet their own needs," he says.
While it's generally held that cheaters never prosper, it's sadly true that the most skillful liars are often successful in relationships and at work.
"This is the age of narcissism," says Ford. "People are more self-centered, more involved with themselves. The breakdown of the nuclear and the extended family is producing more children who are self-absorbed."
He says they believe that because you only go around once in this life you might as well get as much as you can even if that means stretching the truth."
"And now, the lying game.: From Clinton to Archer, the combination of charm and deceit is powerful."
by David Graham, Life Writer, Toronto Star, July 23, 2001.
http://www.earthtym.net/ref-charismatic.htm (Emphasis ours.)
9. Fear (Insecurity):
"Lies are like wishes," says DePaulo."Behind almost every lie there is a wish that the lie was true."
"The Bitter Truth: From Politicians to History Professors, Lies Are All Around", By Oliver Libaw
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/DailyNews/lying010702.html
10. Fear (Imitation and Acceptance):
In our society, lying is considered "normal", "acceptable", and even "necessary".
"Psychologists say chronic lying may be normal human behavior"
By Benedict Carey
Los Angeles Times"Psychologists have long known that some deception is a normal, healthy part of human behavior, often starting in children about the age of 5 or 6. In adulthood, most people lie routinely, if usually harmlessly, to get through the day. In one ongoing experiment, Robert Feldman, a psychologist at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, has had people carry hidden video cameras and record their conversations over a couple of days. Watching the tapes later, the men and women tally their own deceptions. The average fib rate: three for every 10 minutes of conversation."
Copyright © 2003, The Post and Courier, All Rights Reserved.
http://charleston.net/stories/030903/lif_09liars.shtml
At the rate of 3 lies per 10 minutes, that equals 18 lies per hour or about 288 lies per day.
"Is Lying Acceptable?"
by Marie T. Russell"Judging by what I see on TV and in my email, one would think that lying has become acceptable. TV commercials use situations in which the character is lying to sell us a product, TV programs feature "lovable" characters that lie to their friends and employer to "protect themselves", our daily email contains unsolicited emails that have in the subject line "in reply to your email" or that thank you for signing up to their list when you never did.
Lying seems to have become a way of life. We are lied to in order to sell us something: whether a product, an "official truth", a new government policy. We are even lied to in order to "protect us". And we are lied to for entertainment purposes.""When we live live mindfully and consciously, we live our life based on a foundation of respect: respect for ourselves and respect for others. And respect entails trusting someone enough to tell them "our truth" -- and do it with love."
Marie T. Russell is the publisher of InnerSelf Magazine
Copyright 1985-2002 - InnerSelf Publications - Altamonte Springs, Florida & Delta, British Columbia
"Lying acceptable, says new premier"
Mpumalanga, South Africa"Politicians who are caught lying to the public should not be axed or otherwise disciplined because the practice is a widespread and accepted political technique, Mpumatanga's Premier Ndaweni Mahlangu, said yesterday.
Speaking at his first press conference as Mpumalanga premier, Mahlangu insisted that politicians all over the world lied about their actions for a range of reasons, including frustration."It is nothing new. Many politicians publicly deny they did certain things but then later admit to them. It is accepted and is not unusual anywhere in the world.
"It wasn't the end of Bill Clinton's life and I personally don't find it to be a very bad thing," said Mahlangu."
Quoted from article that appeared in the Star Newspaper on 23 June 1999, African Eye News Service
Public Protector
Republic of South Africa
Report On An Investigation Of A Public Statement Made By The Premier Of Mpumalanga Province, Mr. N Mahlangu, on 22 June 1999.
" . . . some lying is necessary in everyday life."
"The Bitter Truth: From Politicians to History Professors, Lies Are All Around"
By Oliver Libaw, ABC News"In recent weeks several people in the public eye have been forced to admit making up facts about their past.
The Boston Globe reported last month that Pulitzer Prize-winning Mount Holyoke College professor Joseph Ellis had lied to his students about being a Vietnam combat veteran.
Days later, the Globe also found that the city's transit authority chief, Robert Prince Jr., had fabricated a story about witnessing a lynching in Alabama three decades ago. Prince, the first black head of the transit organization, made the statements three years ago, when the MBTA faced hundreds of discrimination and retaliation claims filed by employees. "" Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist who studies deception at the University of Virginia, says some lying is necessary in everyday life.
"It would be a disaster if everybody were totally honest," she says, describing a college student who tried to avoid any lies for several weeks. The student, DePaulo said, was unable to complete his experiment, and was forced to apologize to scores of people afterward.
"Lies are like wishes," says DePaulo. "Behind almost every lie there is a wish that the lie was true.""Copyright © 2001 ABC News Internet Ventures.
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/DailyNews/lying010702.html
11. Fear (Insecurity):
"Chronic liars invariably lie because they suffer from a low self- esteem," says psychiatrist Dr Prasad Shetty. "It is more often an attempt to create a more impressive identity. But sometimes its more than that." Says psychiatrist Dr Sutapa Basu, "For those whose feelings of inadequacy, the process of lying may be more important than the content of the lie. Its the thrill of ‘making a fool out of someone’ that becomes a primary reason for lying’’ she says. "Successful lying can be seen as the excersizing of power over another," writes Dr Charles V. Rhode, professor of Psychiatry in his book The Psychology of Deceit. "To get someone else to believe a falsehood is to devalue that person and obtain a sense of superiority or control". Studies have shown that lies are also used to maintain interpersonal distance in an attempt to protect one's personal space that is we may conceal or distort information about us to prevent an intrusion by others.
"Pathological lying is an impulse disorder," says Dr Shetty. "like certain other impulse disorder- Pathological drinking, gambling or shopping- chronic liars get a thrill out of the act. And like the other disorders the impulse disorder settles down once the act is done." He explains. "Chronic lying in adults is often a manifestation of an anti-social personality." Says Dr Basu. Adds Dr Rhodes, "individuals with certain personality disorders (antisocial, borderline and narcissistic) are generally identified as those who are the most likely to lie.’’
So can one be a born liar? According to Dr Rhode, "Research shows that some people appear to be genetically predisposed toward practising deceit." In fact, he writes of investigations of identical twins raised apart which have shown similarities in their tendency of lie. He also mentions other international studies of exceptional families which have similarly suggested a genetic component underlining a deceitful behaviour. He adds, "Learning disabilities, or forms of non-specific cerebral dysfunction, are also frequently seen in pathological liars."
Environmental factors too work at this greatly. Says Shivamani Rajamuthaiah, a clinical psychologist, "A family cultural values or moral standard may permit or discourage lying. Families that severely punish misbehaviour paradoxically promote lying, because they are increasing the child's need to avoid punishment. Conversely , a family may encourage lying by simply ignoring it,".
And can lying be cured? "Most chronic liars wouldn’t bother to seek help because they are comfortable with it," says Dr Basu. "After all it doesn’t cause any physical harm. But if their lives and career are in serious jeopardy because of their lying then they might,". However, "lying can't be cured. It can only be curbed," she adds. "You can't do much in terms of medication," feels Dr Shetty, "but long term counseling and behavior therapy can help" he adds. "As for those around the pathological liar, there is one thing that they can do to help- not take him at face value and let him know about it." suggests Dr Basu.
Ditto, while dealing with ‘normal’ liars around us. By refusing to believe them we would be doing ourselves a favor. So if it's been two months since your boyfriend promised to call and if you are still waiting, willing to believe if he tells you someday that he is truly busy, then it's not him, it's you who needs help."
ARE YOU A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR ?
http://www.chembur.com/gos.htm
12. Fear, "You can't handle the truth!!!":
"Hence the never-ending paradox: some bedrock of honesty is fundamental to society; people cannot live together if no one is able to believe what anyone else is saying. But there also seems to be an honesty threshold, a point beyond which a virtue turns mean and nasty. Constantly hearing the truth, the cold, hard, brutal unsparing truth, from spouses, relatives, friends and colleagues is not a pleasant prospect. "Human kind," as T.S. Eliot wrote, "cannot bear very much reality." Truth telling makes it possible for people to coexist; a little lying makes such society tolerable."
"Lies, Lies, Lies", By Paul Gray, All Politics, CNN TIME, October 5, 1992.
http://www.cnn.com/ALLPOLITICS/1997/10/06/back.time/
13. Can Lying Be Hereditary?:
"Lying in America starts quite early, and appears to be a survival mechanism programed in the genes. Michael Lewis in his book, Lying and Deception in Everyday Life, states that, by the age of 3, two-thirds of American kids have learned to lie. By age 7, about 98% lie."http://www.victorsbooks.com/CONchap3.html (Emphasis ours.)
The statement above clearly refers to lying as a "learned" skill. That it comes so early reflects the child's environment and our society in general. That it is so easily acquired at such early ages reflects parental and family influence by example and by interaction. It also reflects the child's social environment which includes all social contacts outside the family and the influence of media such as TV and children's video entertainment.
That so many children learn it early reflects the truth in God's comment about man's human nature and its tendency to do the wrong thing. (See Jer. 17:9.) This is because human nature is motivated by fear, greed, vanity, hate and other undesirable traits (Gal. 5:17-26).
14. Fear:
"Because We Don't Think God will Meet our Needs. This is the most sobering and basic reason for our lies. We are afraid that if we tell the truth we will get "burned" or taken advantage of. In other words, we are afraid that God won't protect us. The 30 year old tells God that she will trust Him for the right mate . . . but then heads off to the bar to see what she can do herself. Why? Because she doesn't trust God. We see the bills piling up. We've told God that we trust Him to supply all our needs but . . . we spend our tithe money to pay our bills. Why? Because we don't trust God. We tell God that we are willing to follow Him anywhere . . . but then we refuse to go. Why? Because we don't trust Him. We seem to feel that if we trust Him we will miss out on something."
http://www.unionchurch.com/archive/072698.html
15. A matter of "survival"?--Fear:
"So lying should be considered a skill human beings have developed to survive in an overpopulated world -- where if you don't get in where you fit in, the next person will. Lying is a tool of the masses -- a way to overcome injustices -- saying you have a child living with you who is not so you can collect a larger welfare check, or denying there is domestic violence in the home."
http://www.youthoutlook.org/stories/1998/12/30/teens.learn.ear.html
16. Fear, Vanity and Hatred:
"Self defense: Child lies to escape punishment.
Simple reversals of truth: Child states he has completed his homework when he has not.Ego boosting: Child will lie or exaggerate to make himself look good.
Exaggeration: Child magnifies the truth to impress others - perhaps exaggerating the strength of an older sibling.
Fabrication: Child tells of a trip to the Magic Kingdom over winter break she never took.
Confabulation: The child tells a story that is partly true and partly false. My dad has a gun collection that includes an Uzi and AK47 when dad really does collect guns but does not have those guns.Hostility: Child is angry at his parents or others and uses lying to get even.
Wrongful accusations: The child will blame a classmate for stealing when he didn't steal."http://www.lm.liverpool.k12.ny.us/LM/pointersforparents/pfp.html#anchor1752898
17. Why do children lie? --Fear and Vanity:
"The Heart of Anxiety, Panic, Phobias & Lying
Why do children lie? Understanding the relationship between fear and lying is one of the best ways to deal with children if they start lying. Children lie because they are afraid to tell the truth or face the truth. Children who lie have usually had experiences where they subsequently learned that telling the truth is more uncomfortable than lying. Most of the time children first learn to lie by watching their friends, family or strangers lie.
If children want to avoid reality, or they want to avoid how they feel about their real self, they may end up telling lies about what they were doing, their friends, their families, their abilities, or their belongings. Children say things like "My Daddy is on a secret mission", "I didn’t do it" or "I have a pony". The purpose of lying is to feel better or to avoid feeling worse. Children who are afraid of how they feel when they tell the truth may become liars. Lying is a common way that children learn to avoid anxiety, panic, feeling bad and punishment.
In some cases, lying can become a chronic disorder. Some children would literally have a panic attack if you could force them to face the truth about life, their parents or their self. Lying is one way that children are closing their eyes and ears to the truth. In some cases, lying can become a lot like a phobia – a fear of telling the truth.
Chronic lying is a very real problem. Parents are really confused when their child continues to lie even after the child is repeatedly caught and punished. Parents get frustrated when children don’t learn from the consequences of lying or their punishment after they are caught in a lie. Unfortunately, many children do learn. They just learn to try harder next time so they won’t get punished. In the case of chronic lying, there comes a point when punishment, restriction, taking things away and grounding children will only make the situation worse. It is time to get professional help when things just get worse."
http://www.crisiscounseling.com/Articles/FearAnxietyPhobiaLying.htm (Emphasis ours.)
18. Greed (Imitation of Others):
One person, when questioned, explained, "Lying is a way of gaining power over other people through manipulating them in various ways. It's something that everybody does."
http://www.nlag.net/Sermons/Transcripts/mjdeadmendont.htm
19. Fear and Greed (We are taught as children to lie.)
We lie because we were taught at an early age:
Telling the truth will get you in trouble.
It's not nice to hurt peoples feelings.
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything.
It's okay to protect a friend.
Always play to win.
(source unavailable)
20. Greed and Fear (Imitation of our Leaders):
[Because] "ONLY BAD GUYS TELL THE TRUTH"
. . . . .
"The theme of America today is money and power (if money doesn't already make us feel powerful), and I have met quite a few who would hurt their own mothers in the worst way possible for those.Why do we find the need to lie? There are all kinds of reasons, some maybe for a better cause than most -- like to save someone we care about from getting hurt. But we also do it to protect ourselves, which most of the time means we are trying to get away with something.
We also b.s. to get ourselves to higher places, to look (or sound) better than others, to make money, to fool people, to manipulate the systems -- because in certain ways they make it so that we have to lie in order to survive. The people upstairs are the master con artists of them all. Hey, what can I say -- we learn from the best. Sometimes we are even brought up to be pathological liars who do it so much that we ourselves believe the crap that comes out of our mouths.
. . . .Even in trying to get a job, you have to lie. Employers claim they're looking for an honest person who works hard, but that's only half the truth. At a job interview, it's like we are forced to b.s., to multiply our skill, personality and experience by at least three. And that crap they like to put on applications about convictions, they say it doesn't disqualify you. Is that the truth? I don't think so.
To tell the truth, I don't really expect any of us Americans to be honest anyway. I mean look who we got as our president, good old Bill Clinton. He's the guy we chose to look up, to and what is he? Nothing but a proven liar. I mean, yeah, he can't be perfect, he's human like all of us and he's made a few mistakes, but why not be the example and just bust out with the truth in the first place?
All liars get caught sometime, you know. Why must we go through these pointless circles that we could skip if we were just honest with each other? Why? I'll tell you why. Because, and I quote, "We can't handle the truth."
All of a sudden in this country, when you tell the truth you're the bad guy."
By Hazel Tesoro, 18
WHEN LYING IS A SURVIVAL SKILL
. . . ."In this country, lying outside the government realm is widely accepted. As a waitress, I lied every day about the amount I made in tips to avoid taxes. My employer said nothing.
Often we tell little "white" lies to avoid discomfort -- I actually think to a certain extent, there is no avoiding lying, and at one point even the most honest human being will lie.
So lying should be considered a skill human beings have developed to survive in an overpopulated world -- where if you don't get in where you fit in, the next person will. Lying is a tool of the masses -- a way to overcome injustices -- saying you have a child living with you who is not so you can collect a larger welfare check, or denying there is domestic violence in the home.
That sort of lying cannot be resolved by more lying. To resolve it, we must start at the root of the society's desperate lies, which is malice or greed or vengeance or the desire to hide a crime.
Corporations often lie to the public, but not since the time of Nixon's resignation has America been faced with such a high political official [Clinton] actually caught lying on camera.
The prevailing opinion is that politicians are liars, and we allow federal officials a certain amount of hogwash. For example, Clinton promised Haitian refugees asylum when he ran for office in 1992. After he was elected, there was news of Haitians dying while trying to get into the country.
Clinton was not impeached for that lie. Why? Because the U.S. government lies to its citizens. Because those citizens don't care. Perhaps because no one in authority cared enough, or people thought he needed some leeway to keep the country going.
Why don't we do battle against lying? Even our religious leaders lie, and are peaceably forgiven and allowed to go on with their television shows.
I have come to the conclusion that lying is normal in 1998. Because the majority finds it to some degree acceptable, they will allow themselves to be persuaded by liars. The catch is, you can lie, but if someone who is opposed to your position, or with the power to broadcast to the world, can find out you're lying you risk exposure and humiliation.
Basically, for civilians, America's policy seems to be, lies within the home are fine as long as the government doesn't know and lies within the government are fine as long as large religious organizations don't know and lies within large religious organizations are fine as long as you ask God to forgive you."
By Sayyadina Thomas, 18
I BEND THE TRUTH TO GET AHEAD
"It seems that lying to get ahead has become commonplace. After all, who can really say they have never lied in order to get ahead?In the movie "Working Girl," Melanie Griffith's character says, "You can bend the rules plenty once you're at the top, but you can't get to the top unless you bend the rules."
I believe this is true, . . .
When it comes to attaining professional success, I bend the rules, often because I know I'm not in the "network". I did not go to Choate or Exeter and my parents don't sit on the boards of multinational corporations. As a member of an ethnic minority, I have to work twice as hard. I try to justify lying at times by asking myself how I am going to compete with people who have been given advantages far superior to any I enjoyed.
The morning of the SATs, friends on the east coast e-mailed me the harder questions so I could get a higher score. I plagiarized a segment of one college application essay to make it more compelling.
At times, I feel guilty about doing such deceitful things to get ahead, but it seems society has allowed for immorality and unethical behavior, at least marginally. Clinton's impeachment process supports this idea, as the majority of Americans oppose impeachment.
Witnessing Clinton's political jeopardy has taught me the importance of placing a "positive spin" on issues. In an era where unethical acts are looked at through shades of gray and not in black and white, assessing what is right and wrong can often depend on one's powers of persuasion.
"By Anonymous," Age 18
"Teens Learn Early On That Lying is the Key to Surviving"by YO! Staff http://www.youthoutlook.org/stories/1998/12/30/teens.learn.ear.html (Emphasis ours.)
21. Hatred, Fear, Vanity, Greed:
"The lie of malice. A lie of malice is a lie that seeks to do harm. It is closely akin to slander, blasphemy, and backbiting. The purpose of all is the same. Based on deliberate lies, gossip, or half-truth, they seek injury.
The lie of fear. A lie of fear is usually for one reason, to escape the consequences of one's action. It is probably the first lie a child will tell and often go on telling all his life. This lie will eventually catch up with us as Moses said, "your sin will find you out" (Num 32:23).
The lie of carelessness. How accurate are the statements you make? A man can become a chronic liar by simply telling things that are inaccurate. This lie might not be deliberate, but simply careless. Develop the accuracy and the discipline to tell things exactly as they are.
The lie of boasting. There is a great temptation when telling a personal experience to add a little "color" to what we tell. It reminds me of the old adage, "all liars are not fishermen, but all fishermen are liars." We often make things better or worse than what they actually are for our own advantage.
The lie of profit. Unscrupulous, high pressure salesmen are adept at this kind of lie. Much of what we see, hear and read in advertising is another illustration of this kind of lie. The aim of such lies is personal gain from those who are duped into believing everything they hear. A Christian cannot twist, suppress, or falsify the truth for personal gain.
The lie of silence. Silence is often a lie. It is the easy way to avoid trouble and ridicule. The silent tongue doesn't stand for what it believes; it takes the coward's refuge.
The lie of half-truth. Ananias and Sapphira did not completely lie when they told Peter about the land they had sold. But their half-truths cost them their lives. Often telling half of the truth is worse than telling an outright lie.
The lie to self. There is nothing more difficult to face than the truth about ourselves. A long hard look at our thoughts, motives, and actions is indeed a bitter undertaking. Yet, until we truthfully face ourselves we cannot grow in grace and knowledge."
Glenn Seaton_The Jackson Drive ADMONISHER_November 27, 1996 Number 48
http://biblestudies.churches.net/base/9THCMM.TXT
22. Vanity, Fear (Insecurity):
"What causes a person to become a liar? There must be something that happens as a person grows up that makes them feel the need to not be true to themselves and to others. This, perhaps, is a way to make themselves feel better about themselves, or just a way to attract attention. Let me provide you with a few types of liars...
The Joker - The Joker's are not really all that bad of liars. They mean it all in jest. These guys can, however, become extremely annoying, for you can never get a serious, straight answer out of them. They're always coming up with some extravagant story to even the slightest questions. Not only is it frustrating, but it's downright retarded.
The Egotist - The one who's been everywhere, done everything, seen everything, and yet they always seem to be home whenever you call them. They make up lies to make up for the fact that they are not NEARLY as interesting as they would lead you to believe, and thus, are about as boring as you and I. This kind is extremely bad, because they are usually VERY obvious about their lies, and you can tell when they're fibbing quite easily.
The "Yeah Right" Guy - The "yeah right" guys are perhaps the saddest excuse for liars in the whole bunch of them. I knew a guy once, and his name was Chuck. He could not be believed for ANYTHING! He claimed everything, including: his uncle had a jet, his uncle was a spy, his uncle had a tank. Funny how his uncle had everything. Chuck even claimed my friend was checking out his mom in the shower. Trust me, this mom wasn't the "check out in the shower" kind. Egad! But, anyways, these types can NEVER be believed and thus usually have no friends.
The Randomizer - These liars just lie to lie. You ask them their age, they give you something completely (and obviously) quite different. You ask them their name, they tell you something really weird. You ask them their phone number 'cuz you gotta call 'em, and they give you some random number. And for no reason! These guys are particularly annoying 'cuz they just don't have a motive... It's just a thing they do. It's pointless. Quite odd, and pretty confusing."
http://www.sonic.net/~mpaglia/zine/liar.html
23. Fear:
"A lie is a coward's way of getting out of trouble." --Author Unknown
http://www.madwed.com/quotes/Quotations/Newsletters/Leadership_Lies/body_leadership_lies.html
24. "Is there really such a thing as a pathological liar? If so, why does one become one?
. . .
Why not? Looking at Washington on the one hand and the OJ trial on the other, you've got to figure it gives you a lot of career options.
. . .
The best definition . . ."a person having a constellation of symptoms ... characterized psychopathologically by a very definite tendency to tell untruths about matters which perhaps could be easily verified and which untruths may serve no obvious purpose." This enables us to distinguish a pathological liar from, say, a lawyer, whose distortions of the truth are easily detected by anybody not serving on the jury but which do serve the obvious purpose of getting his murdering slime of a client off.
. . .
Thus we see that habitual liars are of two kinds: on the one hand, pathological liars, who are pathetic losers, and on the other hand skilled liars, who constitute the national ruling class.
. . .
What makes pathological liars lie is not well understood although it seems pretty clear there isn't any single cause. Some people exhibit what's known as "pseudologia fantastica," in which they present wild yarns as fact. Again, skill is a factor--your journeyman fantasts can maybe swing a gig with the Weekly World News, while those who really have the gift can try the Washington Post. On the other hand, if your lying is so inept that you don't qualify even for journalism ... well, there's always broadcasting.
. . .
Not all cases of pathological lying are associated with a neurological disorder. Psychologists also blame such conditions as "superego lacunae" or "a need for the patient to produce narcissistic gratification." I love the word "lacunae," and because I love it I can say for a fact that anyone using it has no concept whatsoever. Seems clear enough to me that some people lie because they profit from it, some fib because they're sick, and some do it because they're lying sacks of sh*t."
The Straight Dope, --Cecil Adams
Copyright © 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999 Chicago Reader, Inc. All rights reserved.
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a4_094b.html
25. Fear
"Lies are usually caused by undue fear of men." --Hasidic Saying
26. Fear (Convenience):
"Falsehood is so easy, truth so difficult! Examine your words well and you will find that even when you have no motive to be false it is very hard to say the exact truth, even about your own immediate feelings - much harder than to say something fine about them which is not the exact truth." George Eliot
http://www.madwed.com/quotes/Quotations/Newsletters/Leadership_Lies/body_leadership_lies.html
27. Naming Lies According to the Reason for Lying:
"Lying lexicon
PROPOSED NAMES FOR DIFFERENT KINDS OF LIES
1) a biggie—an important lie
2) a whopper—a harmless biggie
3) a funny—a lie meant to produce laughter or amusement
4) a wrinkle—the minor re-slanting of reality, perhaps for self-defense or self-enhancement
5) a shield—lying for self-defense or to hide the truth about yourself
6) a puffer—lying for self-enhancement
7) a teacher—a didactic lie, intended to instruct more than deceive
8) a needle—a lie told to deliberately annoy someone
9) a detour—a lie meant to divert events, thoughts or feelings away from the directions or places where they would probably otherwise have gone
10) a ducker—a lie told so you can avoid something
11) a saint—a lie told (ostensibly) for another person’s own good
12) an oinker—a lie told to acquire something for personal gain
13) a dropsy—an indirect lie; dropping a detail to encourage a wrong conclusion or wrong perception by another person (a sin of omission)
14) a tickler—a lie told just to tease someone
15) a crooked arrow—a lie meant to misdirect the other person
16) a writ—a lie told from a perceived necessity to not get into the truth or reality (the perceived need can be wrong)
17) a mirror—a lie in response to a perceived or suspected lie, with the other person’s lie used as justification (as in "he started it")
18) a trickie—a lie that is intended to confuse the other person
19) a killer—a lie which, if believed, could lead to a death
20) an auto-lie—a lie told to oneself, usually in the silence of your thoughts (Question: If you tell yourself a lie and then believe it, who told the lie? And who believed it? And are there two of you? And if so, do they know each other?)
21) a Stalin—a lie that is intended to rewrite history, redefine the past (historical "revisionism")
Perhaps some enterprising person or persons might like to add to this list, or try to make it exhaustive. Again, I’m not so sure it’s important, but it might be fun, and it might some day contribute to our understanding of lying, or to understanding our apparent inability or unwillingness to transcend (or abandon, or eschew, etc.) the habit."
http://www.human3.com/link7.htm
28. Fear (Imitation of Others)--"Because everyone else does it.":
"Everyone does it." is a false argument because Christ didn't do it:"Well, to use the argument that our mothers used to use, "If everyone else jumped off a bridge would you do it?" Just because everyone else is lying, does that mean that it is acceptable for you to lie too? Our argument might carry more weight had it been true that everyone has lied, but that simply is not accurate. There was one whose life was characterized by complete honesty. There was an absolute consistency between what he said and what he did. And there was never a time when he used his power with words in order to mislead or deceive.
But another reason that he lived a life of complete honesty is to show that it could be done.
Instead he depended upon the fact that he maintained a close relationship with his heavenly Father to do what is right. Why else would he have prayed so often for strength and guidance? Was he only pretending that he needed the help of God? No, he was showing us that if we want to lead the life that he has in mind for us we have to be as dependent on the Father as he was."http://www.wieuca.org/Sermons/1998/11/Sermon1101.htm
29. Lies feel good (reduce fear):
"Think about your day. What surrounds you, envelops you, comforts you, soothes you, uses you and loves you?
What's as essential as your morning coffee, as ordinary and pervasive as smog in L.A.?
You'll never admit it, but you love it. You need it, you use it, you depend on it. Your life would fall apart if you couldn't have it. Drugs? Sex? Air? Water? Rock 'n' Roll?
No, it's what business, politics, love and religion have in common.
The lie."
"Outsider" (a column), by John Hazlehurst
Colorado Springs Independent, August 30, 2001
http://www.csindy.com/csindy/2001-08-30/outsider.html
30. Fear (of reality):
"The heart of lying is that we want to be like God, who spoke into being the universe," says Livermore Laboratory research chemist Cliff Coon. "So we speak into existence the world we want to see."
"We lie," says retired police detective Bill Edmonds, "because we honestly believe it is the best thing we can do on our own behalf at the moment."
"Lying - Isn't Everybody Doing It?", by Kari West
http://www.ptm.org/99PT/MayJun/Lying.htm
31. Fear (of disapproval):
"Small or white lies dominate our lives, and they are often so spontaneous that we tend to forget that we say them a lot. How many times have you started a conversation with words of flattery? We think that lies make our life easier, and sometimes we lie to avoid trouble, or to please and impress. Sometimes we say things because we know that the person wants to hear it.
Lying is a verbal coin through which we buy time. Often, it is more economical to say a small lie, rather than spend hours arguing with someone about a fact which may cause controversy.
In fact, lying has become a habit. Our everyday life is made up of them, to such an extent that when we want to say the truth, we have to start our sentence with a prologue like "Frankly speaking," or "I am sorry but..""
"OFF THE WALL: Lies, lies and more lies", By Rana Haddad 3 December 1998
http://archives.star.arabia.com/981203/FE7.html
32. Fear of lawsuits:
"It is reported that school counselors say that fear of litigation by parents makes them less that truthful in their reports on students seeking admission to higher education. Counselors will report only on a student's academic achievements, not on possibly anti-social or criminal behaviour. Parents pressure counselors to suppress details of disciplinary problems so as to improve their children's chances of acceptance into university. Universities, however, are concerned that, in the often stressful climate of higher studies, students with a criminal past are more likely to show violent behaviour."
http://www.uia.org/index.html, Mar. 2002
© Union of International Associations 1997 - 2000
33. How and Why Do We Lie?
1. The CRUEL Lie - Motivated by RESENTMENT.
Genesis 39:17-18 "Then she told him this story: "That Hebrew slave you brought us came to me to make sport of me. But as soon as I screamed for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house."
2. The COWARDLY Lie - Motivated by FEAR.
Genesis 12:11-13 "As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, "I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you."
3. The CONCEITED Lie - Motivated by INSECURITY.
Luke 18:11 "The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector."
4. The CALCULATED Lie - Motivated by GREED.
Acts 5:3 "Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land?"
5. The CONVENIENT Lie - Motivated by LAZINESS.
Matthew 21:30 "Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, 'I will, sir' but he did not go."
(source unavailable)
34. Fear of knowledge
Fear of truth
Fear of knowing
Fear of having to change our selves"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on." --Winston Churchill.
35. Conclusion:
The explanation for any one particular lie may seem complex, which is why we see various and lengthy lists of reasons or excuses. The complexity of the situation and relationships are often used in an attempt to justify the lie. But all these reasons can be reduced down to the simple terms of: fear, vanity, greed and hatred. These traits are found in the New Testaments lists of "works of the flesh" (Gal. 5:19-21, 26; Isa. 59:4; Eph. 4:17; 2 Pet. 2:1, 18; Rev. 21:8). If lying is a part of our life, then it shows that we have not yet completely eliminated these "unrighteous works" from our life. Lying does not show love but fear, vanity, greed or hate. Lying is not compatible with love and faith.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love." (1 Jn. 4:18).
"Be you therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Mat. 5:48).
"Lie not one to another, seeing that you have put off the old man with his deeds [your former way of life]; And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:" (Col. 3:9-10). [Be an imitator of Christ, who said, "I am the truth" (Jn. 14:6), a true "Christian", living a new way, in the image of our Creator, the "God of Truth" (Deu. 32:4).]