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Chapter 2

GOING TO THE DOCTOR--
"NICE MAN? HE'S A FUCKING NAZI!"
--Ventura County, December 1982

"Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined."
--Samuel Goldwyn, Movie Mogul

Doctor #1
    When I returned home from my first psychiatric hospitalization, it was time to find
a psychiatrist to put me on medications and steer my course through the wonderful world
of mental illness. Paula said that while I was away in the hospital she had found an open
sliding door to my condo and let herself in and stayed there. Had I known that she would
be my roommate for 3 years, both in Westlake and San Diego, I would have protested
louder then. She liked to be helpful and suggested or insisted that she had the psychiatrist
for me. He used to be the pediatrician for her daughter 10 years before but had changed
to psychiatry. Since I did not know any psychiatrists, I offered to try him out, but I was
hesitant about him and about psychiatrists in general. Paula told me that he was a nice
man. That was nice and something to look forward to.
    At my first and only session with this doctor, I was totally turned off by him. I
asked him if I could do a simple thing and he countered that I absolutely could not. He
issued orders for things for me to do like a military commandant. He was probably
looking out for my welfare but he had a poor way of expressing it as far as I am
concerned. When he came to the point of scheduling our next appointment, I made an
excuse about not knowing when I could meet with him again. When Paula and I were out
in the lobby, I said to her in a soft scream, "Nice man? He's a fucking Nazi!" I told her
that I was not seeing him again. She insisted that I would change my mind. I did not.

Doctors #2 and #3 -- A Pair of Docs
    I could not really afford a private psychiatrist so I resorted to the County of
Ventura. They had me see two doctors, one was a psychologist and the other a
psychiatrist. I thought of them as my "pair of docs" or paradox. I saw each one
separately back-to-back and each one asked me virtually the identical questions about how
I had been, how I had slept, what I did, what were my plans, etc. They were both very
nice but it was boring and time-consuming to go through the same questions twice each
time. I sometimes wished that I could change to another doctor or clinic but I did not
know how.

Paranoia
    One day I was at the home of Paula's friends, Bonnie and Dr. Ed, in Laurel
Canyon. I felt a psychological feeling that was unusual to me but which I figured must be
paranoia. Dr. Ed gave me some New Age "flower remedies" which he said would reduce
my symptoms. The flower remedies were small vials each containing clear liquid that was
an essence of a flower. Different remedies were for different afflictions. Dr. Ed had me
uncap 2 vials and breathe deeply from them. I was silently skeptical of these remedies but
I was hoping that something other than prescription drugs with side-effects would work
for me.
    Then everybody else left the house. Being alone, I felt worse paranoia. I felt that
people were only pretending to be friends and that if they knew how I felt psychologically
right now, they would have me locked up in a psychiatric hospital forever. I decided to
leave messages for people saying that I was en route to New York on a plane. I figured
that they would think that they could not catch me to lock me up, at least for the few
hours that I would be flying.

New Age Healer
    My paranoia passed. I do not know if the couple sniffs of "flower essences"
helped but I was interested in New Age alternatives to traditional psychiatry. Paula and
Dr. Ed recommended a New Age healer named Bruce Whizin. I did not feel comfortable
with shrinks after my brief experiences with them and my friends thought that Bruce and I
could relate really well together. I felt comfortable with him but I felt that he was more
interested in talking and not interested in having me respond or show that I related to what
he was saying. He emphasized a lot that his rate was $100 per hour. I secretly felt that I
could not meet with him more than a few times because I could not afford it.
    We met outside in a rural setting behind his house in Agoura. His recurring theme
was that I was living as though there was scarceness which he said was being into "scarce
city". He said that I needed to transform my thoughts to live in abundance which he called
being into "a bun dance". He said that I needed to do the dance of "a bun dance".

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