Below is a compilation of actual church bloopers and service bloopers:
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'.
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
"Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir.
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good -Dr. Hargreaves is better."
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
An actual excerpt from an August 4, 1996 church bulletin:
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
We will have steel helmets for those who think the church is going to fall down.
Space heaters will be available for those that say the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
We will have hearing aids for those who say "The preacher talks too softly," and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list hypocrites present.
Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go 'visiting' on Sundays.
There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner also.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to see God in nature.
Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lillies for those who have never seen the church without them.
