A SMELLY DIVORCE

by Clayton Davis

Flatus caused a smelly divorce. It happened in a sleepy Midwest town one sultry summer. Nothing much else was going on in town that month.

It happened that Eunice abhorred Fred’s bad habits. He talked bad and chewed filthy tobacco. She found brown stains throughout the house and his kisses smelled like a horse’s breath. Fred was unacquainted with the civilized principle of gathering and disposing of garbage, usually in large cans at curbside for pickup by loud trucks once a week or so.

Most of all Eunice resented Fred’s bedtime practice. Right after snuggling in for the night, he would always raise both legs far into the air, right straight up vertically. Then Fred emitted a loud flatus report. Sometimes dogs down the block howled. Eunice buried her head in the pillow for long minutes. It happened every night.

This and other bad habits brought the couple to divorce court.

The judge was a kindly old man with distinguished, well-groomed grey hair. He sat on the bench with solemn dignity. Divorces were uncommon in this part of the country. The courtroom was packed. This couple had been together for more than ten years.

Clearing his throat, the judge rapped the gavel and announced in sonorous, very important sounding tones, "Court is now in session."

Eager to know what had brought these people to the bar of justice, the judge asked Eunice to enumerate some of Fred’s habits.

"Bad language," Eunice offered, hanging her head.

"Many people cuss."

She appeared shriveled with shame. The judge inched forward with his elbows on the bench.

"Well, he won’t take out the garbage."

Now it was getting more serious.

Nonetheless, the judge was a fair and understanding jurist, "Same thing. Many men refuse to do this chore."

Spectators nodded.

"Throws peanut shells on the carpet."

Some in the courtroom shook their heads.

"Still not enough evidence," the judge concluded.

"I hate to tell you the worst one," Eunice said, blushing into her dainty handkerchief.

Fred sat silently, wondering what she would say next. Many of his neighbors had gazed at him with sympathy. Others, mostly prim ladies, glowered at Fred in disgust.

"He gives off loud noises."

Now it was getting more serious. Everyone held his breath and waiting to hear what this dreadful report would reveal.

"Let us hear an example," the judge requested.

"It’s while he’s flat on his back in bed."

A few men grinned. Almost all of the ladies leaned forward expectantly.

"Okay. Would you need a comfortable place to lie down?" The judge asked.

A sigh went up in the courtroom. This must be something awful indeed.

Eunice admitted, "Yes, sir. That would help."

"Bailiff, bring a couch in here from my chambers. We’ll take a short recess."

Fifteen minutes later the judge called the courtroom to order. "Now, madam. Please demonstrate Fred’s bad habit."

Eunice nodded in agreement and walked to the couch. Her face was set. She appeared grim and determined. Soon she was lying comfortably on the couch, resting on her back with arms folded and staring at the ceiling. Flies buzzed up there. She could hear the spectators breathing heavily in the courtroom.

"Now, judge?" She asked, gathering strength.

"Yes. Please."

Everyone in the courtroom leaned forward to see what happened. Eunice raised her legs way up into the air, pointing them toward the ceiling. The judge was only slightly amused. A few gross old men uttered approving grunts.

Suddenly, without warning, there was let loose from Eunice’s underwear a dreadful roar. It was not unlike the voice of a tugboat in the harbor.

An eighteen-wheel truck was passing nearby. The driver heard Eunice’s demonstration and pulled on his air horn.

Many in the courtroom that day couldn’t discern much different between the truck’s air horn and Eunice’s flatus. Tittering and giggling soon became loud, general laughter in the courtroom.

"Clear the court. Clear the court!" The judge yelled, pounding his gavel.

"And . . . Bailiff . . . Bring some deodorant spray!"

Fred grinned, proud of himself. Now his habits were made public and evidently approved by the entire courtroom. Well, almost everyone.

"Divorce granted," the judge said. "COURT IS ADJOURNED!"

* * *