cuttercow

Ok Cutter, Where's the beef? Cutter's Cow, ruler of Kowshittka, Speaks: Cutter's Cow is a quote of the whenever; A persistant source of annoyance provided by Pat (sometimes affectionately called Sigmund) to abuse Cutter, in good Pun. He asks that if you read this, email Cutter to tell him he has been abused. (since he can't always do it himself) gaidin@uky.campus.mci.net

	Cutter's Cow Talks Computers
	CC Gets Cozy
	Electric Cow
	This Cow Speaks French (heh!)
	CC Chews the Cud
	CC Hams it Up!
	CC's Excellent Adventure
	CC is Bad to the Bone
	CC Gets Railroaded
	CC Gets Horny!
	CC is All Washed Up
	CC Goes Where No Cow Has Gone Before
	CC's News Flash (put it away CC!)
	CC's Weather Report
	Something Smells Fishy!

Long live the CLF! (Old Kowshittkan Rebel battle-cry)

"Well, I am about fed up with my computer. I am going to have to file a complaint with the company that made it. I thought it was just me, but it seems that my screen has a terminal illness. It is telling me off color jokes. I also think that I have the Paul Revere virus on my system. Every time it strikes, I get one light if my LAN, and two lights if by C:. What bugs me even more is that my controller seems to have no drive. It is A:C:T:ing up every day. My modem is also being a ping in the access. It
keeps spreading VD to all my other components. What do you expect? It runs a baudy house. Last week, my A: drive fell and ruptured a disk. Well, I better run, my motherboard is calling me. Oh well, this really bytes!"

"Greetings all. It seems that I am haunting Cutter. He told Sigmund the other night that he sees me in his sleep. Am I that much of a bed guy? I personally think that I am a nice cow. I say he is full of sheet. He must be a Linenist. Now, this is not a blanket condemnation of him, but I do
think his view is a little slatted. Maybe he has just headboarded the wall one too many times. Maybe someone needs to act as a comforter and help him get through this crisis. Let's all chip in and send him on a sightseeing tour with the Afgan rebels. Oh well, I suppose there is no hope for him.
he has made his bed, now he has to lay in it."

"Greetings Cow fans! I have been away since October, and I figured it was time I got out of the barn, and harassed you a little. Sigmund has been busy paying off his charge cards, so I figure I would talk about electricity. I figure it is an acceptable topic considering the current economic trends. It
is going to be a cold day in Hades before he gets then paid off, so I guess he can't wear shorts. Wire you worried about it though, he is going to try and get more money, and switch things around. After he gets more money he is really going to socket to the creditors. It is not going to amp his style,
but he is going to have to do this. It is a revolting development, but life happens. Don't take this as a plug to send him money, however, he may end up having no other outlet but charity. I am not going to keep going ohm and ohm about this, so let's get a little more light hearted.
It is hard at times to be fun, but I am going to be a resistor, and be happy in any capacitance I can. After all, I have my feet on the ground. I am getting a surge to spike my hair, and make a connection with the crazy side of the world. I am going to hit the single's circuit, and find me a
nice date. I guess I will rap it up now. I think I have shocked you enough! The best to everyone in the new year!

"Me again! Get Eur-rope and lets go Russian over the Atlantic and help settle some of these problems across the sea. It seems that things are really getting bad there. It seems not too many people are having very much Finn. Pardon my French, but I-rish that everyone would just tell each other to get off their Blue Swede Shoes, and settle down. Can't the English Channel a little peace to the continent? Oh, before we go, let me warn you not to run too fast. You may trip and Spain your ankle. We really should drive. I have a Monte Carlo we can take over there. Make sure you have your shots before you go. The Germ Man at customs will want you to. If you want to take a friend with you, you can Port-u-gal in the trunk. It seems that we are just going to end up going over there to have a good time. Oh well, international diplomacy is all Greek to me anyway. See ya!"

I am a little hungry today. I just got back from a trip to the Sandwich Islands, and I didn't have anything to eat. I don't really want to chew anyone out, but the food prices are, it is leaving me a little empty. Last week I went to the local grocery, and walked down the vegetable isle. The prices were so high, I had to ask myself if they could not Produce food a little cheaper. So I figured I butter get out of there, so I got me a container of Large Cud Cottage Cheese, and left. On the way out, I told the cashier that I would be back Tamale. She waved bye, and told me to have a good hay. Well, I'm through with my grazing fire. I am going to go talk to to my landlard, Sir Loin. He will listen to my beef."

    "Hello! Is anyone out there an amateur radio operator? I prefer hams to steaks. I want all the hams out there to band together! We need to wave at one another with a little morse frequency. And I am not talking a brief, short wave. I want a hearty handshake!
     Why don't we all rent a large van and meet somewhere. Let me look up the number to Hertz in the fonebook. We can give them a call, get our van, travel the countryside, and just have a field day. I know this college campus that we can go to and camp out on their quad. I have a tent, but I need a dipole to set it up. Does anyone have one? If we can't find one, maybe we can just prop it up with a beam. That would give us an element of pioneer spirit!
     I gotta go now. Sigmund is getting ready to put me back in the barn. I hate that place. It is such a shack. OH! Before I leave, let me tell you to look for me in Cattleman's Quarterly (CQ) magazine. I am going to be a model. They are featuring cows born between 73 and 88. Seeya :)"

"Well, I woke up to a Red Dawn. I could see From Here to Eternity, so I thought I would talk about The Big Picture. Movies are a Splash in my book. I really love The Great Escape of watching a flick. My distant cousin, The Maltese Falcon, and his brother, Hudson Hawk go with me all the time. I love
how you humans show movies on The Wall in theaters. My uncle, Wilderbeast is going to be flying Out of Africa to come here for a Permanent Vaction to see us so he can watch movies too. I saw The First Nudie Musical of my life today, and I loved it. I am going to go on a Star Trek next week and visit Hollywood to see my favorite actors. I guess I better comb my Hair before I go. I know that All Dogs go to Heaven, but What About Bob? He is my friend, and I don't want things to go bad for him. Oh well, I need to be Taking Care of Business. So I Will See You in the Funny Papers!"

"Greeting music lovers! How are you doing. I thought I would cut a track to the computer and see if you are in tune with what is going on in the world. It seems that a few people are rupturing discs in their back in an effort to dance. I believe in letting people march to their own beat, but they are really hurting themselves slamming against the wall and each other. I only wonder what the cymbalism behind slam dancing is. I am not going to horn in and tell people what to do, but I think it is kinda drum to beat yourself up. Well, I'm going to get down off the chair, and get to the pasture."

"Well, me thinks that things have been getting a little off track lately, and I am looking for a new job. I am so used to being railroaded that I may as well take the shaft and train to be an engineer. I don't really think I would be a good one, so I may see if I can get a current license to be a conductor. If I went to work on the railroad I would have to cut all my ties, and moooove away from home. I am really at a crossing with my decision when it comes to leaving my family though. My mother would rail me, and I would lose station with my father. He is such a depot and a tyrant. If I left, he would send a cow catcher after me. Well, I guess I am done blowing off steam, so I take a coupler of seconds and dance away the frustration. Do the L-O-C-O-M-O-T-I-V-E! You'all join in now! See ya!"

"Well, I am going to take a risk, and talk a little about sex. In the house of reproduction, I am by no means a stud. When I think about sex, I get laid back, and relax. Since cows don't have furniture, I consider the ground my bed. I do have a dish for a girlfriend though. Fine China makes me think of what Confucius once said to my incester Loin. "Cow who make love on ground has piece on earth." Not that I promote easy sex, for if I did you would have to pay for it. We all need to practice safe sex. It will get us ready for the big game. But, alas there is nothing funny about treating your lover as just a toy. Even if batteries are included."

"Hello again! It has been a while since I have been out of the barn for a visit. Sigmund has been real busy, and hasn't had the time to let me loose. He has been so busy that he is having wierd dreams. He told me about the dream he had last night. He said that he had a dream that he was trapped in the soap isle at the grocery store he works at. No lye, he really did. He said that the dream would have been a Joy if it was in good Spirit. But there was this evil scientist truning a Dial making the soap do odd things. He said he tried to run, but he only fell down a Cascade while trying to escape. When he got to the bottom, he had to swim out of the Tide, and ride a huge Dove back up the cliff. This really set a bad Tone for the dream.
He said that it got a little better when he saw an Ivory Snow falling around him. He then tried with Zest to wake himself up. He found a little water in the Irish Spring and all the soap disappeared, and he was saved by a LifeBoy. He said that after all that he felt like he had been put through the ringer. Maybe we need to get him a Safeguard for protection. I don't know if this will do any good, but we need to Cheer him up and wish him good Lux. Peaceful sleep!"

"Greeting Star Trek fans! I want to talk to you about a Paramount concept: Star Trek! No Bones about it, it is a great series. It is a wonderful Enterprise. I tried to plug in my TV the other day to watch it, and I had a short circuit. Let me tell you, it was a Spocking experience. One of the characters that I love to hate is Commander Riker. It seems that he thinks he is in with a girl as beautiful as Helen of Troi. I herd he is not having any fun with her, and is going blind by Kirking off. There is no conclusive Data on this, but it is on all the rumor mills. I have also herd that he uses a whole lot of toilet paper. It seems he has a problem with Klingons. Anyway, I will make this a short speech, I don't want to make a Federation Law of it, so I will say goodbye for now. Well, I suppose I will quit abusing you with my Warped sense of humor. See ya...."

Found on CMN : Cutter's Moos Network

"I don't know how it started, but I have to begin somewhere. It seems that things have finally settled down a little on our beloved VirtualNET. I figure it is time that we can poke a little pun at each other, and put all the arguments behind us. But, first the moos. It seems that Roland has been plugging away on the new version, and it will be out 6-1. There is a big change in the message subs, and they aren't going under water. Like I said, I am not sure who started what, but I have noticed a few of the goings on. Here is how I see them. Everyone one kept tossing the hot potato until it got sliced and we had -fries on someones platter. Then Gene Wells up, and entered the fray. He was followed by one of the RC's from Canada, and Gnomebody knows the trouble she's seen since. John Bokked his keyboard on the floor, and has not been able to give up network type information. It seemed that the snow had melted under the Virtual Ski Patrol. Then Neil Marshalled the forces, and has been giving a little direction to the field. After trying to calm things down by calling everyone, and running up his phone gill, Shark has finally returned to peeking in people's Windows, and things are finally returning to normal. I hope that we can all laugh with each other, and return to normal. I also hope that we can all be friends again, and have a little fun in this network again. See ya!"

"Well hail! I have been weathering a lot of storms lately, and I figured that I may as well talk about them. It is always a shocking and enlightning experience to watch one roll in. I don't mean to steal the National Weather Service's thunder, but I have gotten pretty good at knowing when one is going to come in. I have gotten so good at it that I M*A*S*Hed the Radar at the local weather office. I know that I am just a bovine blowhard, but it really gets my goat when the wind stirs up my oats.
This is getting a little off track, so I better funnel my thoughts back into a tighter front. The weather has always been weird around Kentucky. When I am at work, it is sunny and nice. But as soon as I herd out the door, Mother Nature starts raining on my parade. Oh well, I really shouldn't complain,
I have been lucky that I haven't had to hoof it home too much in the rain. It got cold here the other night, and I had to pull the sleet over my head when I decided to hit the hay. I hate cold weather. It is a real Sun of a hitch! I have had a little to much to drink tonight, so I am rambling. My thoughts are getting a little clouded, but at least this beer can has a silver lining inside.

      Wet Dream
      --- -----
   by Kip Addotta
   --------------

It was April the forty-first, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray- and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal? While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster bar- a real dive. But I knew the owner- he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, "HI GIL!" (You have to yell- he's hard of herring)
Gil was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured the usual- rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken not stirred- with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped him a fin- on porpoise. I was feelin' good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids-for the halibut.
     Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole. Tommy was rocking the place to the very popular tuna, Salmon-Chanted Evening. And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute little yellowtail- and she's giving me the eye. So I figured this was my chance for a little fun- y'know, piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep- seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink. She drank like a-- she drank a LOT. I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarium." I said, "Great! Let's get tanked!"
     I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said "C'mon baby-only take a few minnows." She threw me that same old line- not tonight, I got a haddock. And she wasn't kidding, either, cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me, said "Listen shrimp, don't you come trolling around here." What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, "Abalone- you're just being shellfish." Well, I knew it was gonna be trouble and so did Gil cause he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker-punch. I catch him with a left hook- he eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was lying on the deck flat as a mackerel- kelpless. I said "Forget the cods, Gil, this guys's gonna need a sturgeon." Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me, she said "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish- what's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"
     Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went home with her. And what did I get for my trouble? A case of the clams.