PhD Ponderings

Ponderings #11 - The Light (years later...)
Life as a Graduate Student

There comes a time in your PhD career where you begin to see a glimmer. It almost seems as if you can see some light, some end in sight.

Don't worry, it won't last long.

This is the beginning of the end. It is the light at the end of the tunnel. You may think that having some information, some real data, some tangible evidence that you have not been sleeping for the past X years is enough to get you out. What, are you crazy?

If you want to carry forward on your momentum, you have to do a few things:

1) work really really really really really hard
2) suck up to your boss and everyone around you
3) ask brilliant questions and answer them

Ok, so let's get real. 1 and 3 are never going to happen. Brilliant? Us?

Instead, let's try this method:

1) pretend to work really really really really really hard (ie shuffle papers, do "research" and look busy)
2) suck up to your boss and everyone around you (a given, really)
3) ask stupid questions and answer them.

1 and 2 are surefire winners. #3 is a tricky one - you're probably thinking you might as well shoot yourself now rather than ask stupid questions in front of your whole department at a seminar. But take heart - most people won't know your question is stupid if you couch it in appropriate jargon!

Example:

"seemingly" brilliant question: i find this slide particularly compelling. it seems to shed some new light on your other experiments. how do you correlate these findings with your previous results?

what you really mean (stupid question): i don't understand that graph, i was sleeping through the whole first half of your talk. could you summarize for me in 30 seconds?

In this way, you can quickly become an expert at the brilliant question.

Now that you know how to continue on your "good PhD momentum," you have to think about writing papers, or fellowships, or grants, or reports. Whatever it is you have to do, keep in mind one simple rule:

The sooner you finish a draft, the better.

Amazingly, this works both for papers and beer. Write up a draft, drink up a draft, and let's get that paper published!

A sloppily written rough draft of your paper is better than none at all. And (again) with enough technical words, circuitous logic, and "data," you can have yourself a bee-yoo-ti-ful pay-per.

Or...you could always pay someone to write it for you. But who has the cash?

These days, being a graduate student is more than just writing and succeeding. We have to look out for each other and make sure we don't compromise our principles!

When you go to the next seminar, are you checking to see the quality of the food? Don't waste an hour for 3 butter cookies! Make sure it's sandwiches and salad, at the least.

One aged graduate student (poor guy, been around 15 years and still has no prospects!) gave me some sage advice: Always put your stomach before your head. It will invariably lead you to the right talks. And the right restaurants, with the right scoping-out places!

In fact, you MUST be in the right place at the right time. If you didn't make it to last week's happy hour, you missed the news about Cathy and John, who just broke up, and you may never know who your thesis advisor was hitting on! Missed the lab outing? You could have missed out on an all important chores meeting.

The distribution of group chores is not to be taken lightly! During a chores meeting, you should stay silent. People who volunteer for real jobs are masochists. Instead, offer your services for jobs such as "coordinator" and "mail distributor," or "social organizer". These are bound to at least be fun, and if not, you do nothing! If pressed later, claim ignorance.

But SOMEone is responsible for doing some jobs in your group. Ever notice how things in your lab diminish with time? If you are the unlucky one who has to refill the bottles and replenish supplies, don't stand for that! All you have to do is leave a tiny bit at the bottom. No one can blame you (like the tiny bit of milk left in the carton).

And while you're going about emptying supplies in your lab, try emptying some others. Think about it: free pencils and paper, colorful post-its, notebooks, binders, all for the taking!

Make sure you take advantage of product shows, too. They're like heaven for the poor, indigent graduate student (yes, we are indeed PIGS):

- free food! (usually pizza so you can walk and eat)
- free drinks (snapple, anyone?)
- free lab stuff, like tubes and pens and squeeze balls for stress relief
- free tshirts!

Ah, the free tshirt. It's the magical lure. They rope you in, and talk your ear off about the gigantic new vapor-reducing ozone-free magnetizer that you later find out costs $386,900. You must be strong! You must flirt shamelessly with the company rep to get the last remaining tshirt. Then you can walk out of there knowing you have one more day till you have to do laundry.

But since you DO have to do laundry, make sure you have enough change! What do you think other grad students are doing, walking around staring at the ground all day? They're looking for dropped pennies, or dimes, or $100 bills! And you thought they were moping!

In fact, I found a $20 the other day. It was just lying there in the street. But halfway down to pick it up, another studnet snatched it out from under me! I don't mind - I have cheap clothes but he was wearing a rejected fellowship.

But fear not that people you went to high school with are now in business making $100,000 a year, or CEOs of major companies. You probably spent $300 this year on photocopies alone! You have great job prospects and job offers. You stand to become a Nobel Laureate! You have only two more years to go!

Two more years? That's a perpetual lie isn't it? My parents keep asking me, didn't you say you'd be done in two more years, two years ago? "No Mom, I said FOUR then!" I lie.

The numbers game with PhD years is scary. There's nothing quite like the temptation to lie when you are asked what year you're in. First, second, are ok. Then comes, "Third" (Oh, so you have only one more year to go?), "Fourth" (hey, almost done!), "Fifth" (weren't you supposed to graduate last year?), "Sixth" (wow I didn't realize PhDs take so long), and "seventh" onward, only pity: "How come it's taking so long?" "Oh, hang in there and just finish up!" and my favorite "Wow, is your advisor a real slavedriver?"

Worse is "Are you almost finished?" There are only so many times you can say no. The rest of the time, prevaricate! "Well, getting there." "There's hope." "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel."

Hey, when you finally DO get out (IF and when), you'll be so used to being poor, locked in a small space, wasting your time, dressing shabbily. Don't worry - it's only preparing you for the future, when you've successfully manipulated your data and managed to land yourself a comfortable life in prison. When you get out of THERE, it'll be like finishing your PhD all over again.