These are my ponderings, thoughts about life in graduate school, based on Aaron Karo's Ruminations. They're fictional entertainment and not criticism so don't sue me. - rani
Ponderings #16 - The Thesis Committee
Meeting with your thesis committee is daunting. You want them to love you
and give you hugs and kisses. You want them to be impressed and hire you
on the stop as tenured professor. You want them to be wowed by your charm
and in fear of your intellect.
Sadly, instead, you have to fall at their feet. They say you'd be lucky to
be washing dishes for them in their labs. They stand, instead, in fear of
your charm and wowed by your lack of intellect.
In short, a thesis committee meeting (TCM) is a potential nightmare.
If it's going to be your first TCM, you should be prepared. A few things
to keep in mind:
- Food is your friend. Bring yummy goodies, such that you would love to
eat. It's worth spending a little money on it. Then post a very strong
bodyguard near it who will not allow you to eat it no matter what. Your
committee will gorge when they come in, and promptly fall into an induced
food coma.
- Bring coffee, but make it decaf. This will ensure that your
committee members are not sufficiently alert to hear what you have to say.
- Make a really fancy powerpoint talk with animations and diagrams and
plots. Spend more time on the introduction and what you PLAN to do than on
actual data. This will make you seem really smart and thoughtful.
These are the basics for the TCM newbie. More advanced students have
advanced committee members. These are faculty who don't touch the food
(they bring their own carrot sticks in a baggie), who bring their own
caffeine in a mug (When heated, the words "I eat and spend time with my
students and take them out for lunch" transform into "I eat students for
lunch"), and repeatedly ask, "Yes, but show us the data!" during your
talk.
These committee members don't fool for newbie tricks. In an advanced TCM,
you need a few advanced tricks:
- Turn down the lights. A dark room makes for a more sleepy atmosphere.
Their coffee has to run out sometime, and then you'll be ready.
- Add scent. Certain smells, like chamomile and lavender, are soothing and
sleep-inducing. A good spray of the room will help create an atmosphere of
calm.
- Swap chairs. Steal the most comfy chairs you can find, and make sure
your committee chair sits in it. Give the others deep chairs that can lean
and make creaking sounds.
- Add meaningless data slides. Include the data that describes the little
tiny experiments you did, like how you tested putting water into 50
different tubes with a variety of implements, or how you could write the
same equation in different fonts. When asked for data, show these!
- Distract. If a committee member asks a question, distract and evade. A
question like, "And how did you come to that conclusion, given the lack of
evidence here?" can be answered with, "Well, as you see here, the peak of
the graph shows that this is the best point to observe, and as a result -
cough - excuse me, we had to - oh, Professor Jones, did you have another
question? Would anyone like some cookies?"
- When all else fails, pretend you don't understand the question. Q: How
did you do this experiment? A: Could you repeat that? I'm not sure what
you mean by "how."
Such complex, subtle tactics should ensure a smooth committee meeting that
will have them applauding you, if not on your great intellectual
contributions, at least on your hard work.
When they leave, be sure to thank them all, give them a few cookies and
coffee to go, and smile broadly. Send them thank you notes the following week.
But until then, all that food you bought is waiting...