Finding My Way Home - A Christian Testimony

In the beginning, I had thought that my downfall could be explained by claiming the typical bad breaks of life. However, I was mistaken! Those things which were holding me captive had not been caused by something as simple as bad luck! No obstacles, at least none that I could detect, had been thrown before my path, and there was not anything or anyone to blame, at least not that I could have known anything about. Therefore, even though I did not understand all the why's and how's, I did know that I had created my own mess. I knew ultimately that I really was to blame for all that had gone wrong in my life and that I had created some very serious trouble for myself! Unfortunately, easy answers and simple solutions still were not to be found, not on that day and not for at least a few more weeks. My life was in a desperate predicament, yet I did not have a clue as to what to do. As a scared, almost nineteen-year old kid, I was completely in the dark!

During that period of my life, I walked around in that darkness much of the time. Helpless, bewildered, and without hope, I felt very much alone. My problems were real. My life was in serious trouble, yet I was at a complete loss! Now, many years later and after much searching and studying, I know and understand why my life had been in such disarray and under so much turmoil. I now understand why I had been having so much difficulty, and even though I could not deduce it at the time, I also know what had been lacking.

My problems were not linked to family conditions, childhood environment, bad luck, or even to the world or local situation. What I had thought to be my problems had really been only the symptoms of a much greater problem! To only say that my life was in trouble or that I had somehow lost my way was too easy. Those statements were too simplistic to describe my real problem back then because they were only descriptions of my past predicament, not reasons for it. They did not hit at the center of the real issue. My true problem at that time had been much worse than that which can be explained from only a surface-level analysis. It had been much more and much different than anything which has, to this point, been described.

My real difficulty had existed on the inside. From within, I had been controlled by an influence which had been leading me into serious trouble. In 1967 and the years preceding, I had had a spiritual problem! For all those years, my actual problem had been with God, and I had never been able to see it! I had been looking for every sort of solution imaginable to explain and escape my circumstances, yet I had failed to look in the one place where I was most likely to find the right answer. As a result of my many younger years without Him, I had developed the wrong theology, and that wrong theology had done a very thorough job of destroying my life!

When I had crawled out of bed on that early November morning, I had not known that my problems were spiritual! In fact, because religion had not even been in my thoughts, I had completely overlooked such a possibility. I had regularly attended church from my youth up until age twelve. So, I naturally thought that I had all the religion that I needed, and I knew that I had all that I wanted! My intents and desires were not towards finding that closer walk with the Lord.

Therefore, the reason for my inability to make progress with all my problems should have been obvious! Because I had been and was still looking for answers in the wrong places, I had not gotten very far in finding a feasible, workable solution. One cannot move forward if every step ahead results in two steps backwards. I had been looking at my troubled life, trying to find a way out. However, all that I had really found was one proposed solution after another which had already failed. After several months of fruitless searching and analysis, my list of answers looked more like a summary of those things which had not worked rather than a list of those things which might work!

Now, in looking back, I realize that I had lived all those days of my youth in ignorance about the things of God. Even during my church-going years, I had existed in spiritual darkness and been bound by spiritual blindness. Because of that ignorance and blindness, I had foolishly chosen to ignore my whole spiritual being. I had not had any interest in anything spiritual, and that lack of concern had caused me to go astray. Through the years, I have observed a similar condition in others, especially concerning the things of God, so I know that the way I was is not uncommon. Many people exhibit what seems to be the very same carefree, casual attitude toward spiritual matters that I once had. They never devote a serious thought to their relationship with the Lord, and like I, they tend to their own detriment to assume that everything is all right!

The conclusions of my surface-level analysis should have been obvious, but it would still take me a few more weeks before I would actually be able to see it. My troubles had been brought about by my own wrongdoing. One thing had led to another. In the beginning, I had turned from the Lord and all forms of spiritual truth. Then, like a series of tumbling dominos falling into one another, my rejection of that truth had ultimately led me to openly deny God. For years, I had had the wrong theology, and by 1967, my life was literally not worth having. Even though I was not quite nineteen, I had nothing going for me, and the condition of my life, as for all who do not possess God's truth, was deteriorating! To be sure, the greatest state of hopelessness for any individual, in my opinion, is not knowing and not possessing the truth about the Lord.