Finding My Way Home - A Christian Testimony

From my earliest years until my early teens, I had gone to church almost every Sunday. My parents, especially my father, had been particularly adamant about my attendance. Yet, during all that time and even though I had gone to what I had thought was a good, Bible-based Methodist church, I had never learned the truth about the Lord. As I matured, I still did not know anything about Him. Despite having had some good Sunday School teachers, my failure to be a good listener, plus my outright determination to not receive the truth, had kept me from ever learning what I needed to know.

Consequently, the reason that I had had the wrong theology when approaching age nineteen was because it had been wrong when I was approaching age nine. Never in my early life had I actually known the truth about the important spiritual matters of this life. At age nine, I had not had a right relationship with God. Even in the opening cops and robbers drama, at age five or six, my heart still had not been right. By age eleven, upon entering the Seventh Grade, nothing was different! I still did not know anything about the Lord, and to make that whole situation even worse, I also did not have any desire to learn. I was a preteen whose attitude toward religion and God was one of total unconcern. I was an average kid doing average things, yet none of those average, youthful activities were bringing me any closer to the Lord. Of course, I did not want them to, either!

With a bad theology and a clear disinterest in the Lord, all that would be required to upset my whole world was a simple, undesirable character trait, combined with an untimely event. Between the four, that formula for failure, as is shown in Table 1, would quickly reduce me to nothing, and like I have already shared, I was not even aware of my very real, very serious spiritual need. However, even if I had known, I probably still would not have cared.

Most of my young life, I had always leaned towards one extreme or the other. I had never been one to only go halfway on anything! When the wise would back away, my normal course of action would be to charge in and cast my fate to the winds. The expression, "fools rush in where angels fear to tread," could have been my motto because those words accurately described my overall carefree nature. I almost always did foolish things, and I was almost always involved in some kind of difficulty! Because of my unruly behavior, I constantly resided just beyond the barriers of safety, and for me, that deviant way of life usually meant some kind of trouble!

Of course, not all people who have a wrong theology fail as miserably as I. This is because not all have the same go-for-broke approach towards their existence. Often, even with a bad theology, a person can and will lead a fairly normal, productive life. Many pass through this life, never learn anything of significance about God, yet are still able to keep themselves from trouble. The reason is simple! They are more conservative, and they know when to let up or ease off. They either do not take the career-threatening, no-win risks, or they are lucky enough to avoid being caught when the risks are taken. Their life, by being more towards the middle of the road, usually goes much more smoothly than that of the individual who is constantly bouncing back and forth between extremes. In my case, I was the not-so-smart, not-always-so-lucky extremist who did take the foolish chances. Unlike the conservative just mentioned, I did not know or care to know when to back off! For me, living life to the fullest meant full metal to the pedal, all the time! I constantly pushed everything to the limit, even when the outcome threatened to be bad. I possessed a reckless, carefree attitude toward life, and I was always trying to outdo the other guys. If one of my friends stole one, then I would take two, or three, or sometimes even four! If one did a single evil deed, then I once again would feel compelled to outdo what that one had done. I was continually driven to come out on top, or on bottom as it were, in almost everything, and even more so if the activity involved some sort of deviousness.

My daredevilry worked for a while. In the beginning, as a youngster, I had been lucky enough to not get caught. However, that initial success did not profit me. Over the long haul, it only caused me to take bigger and bigger chances until finally I did get caught, and then, it was too late! By 1967, my troubles had already overtaken me and had left me in the hopeless condition already described, that of not knowing what was wrong and also of not knowing what to do! Like many who believe that they can outsmart the system, I was completely overwhelmed and devastated by my bad theology and extremist nature. If I could have somehow eliminated either or both, then I would have probably had a much smoother life.

Consider my first problem, that of a wrong theology! If my understanding of God had been correct, then I most likely would have pursued a better, more godly lifestyle. I might have devoted my life to the Lord in some type of full-time service, rather than openly opposing and rejecting Him. Perhaps, I would have become a minister or a missionary, or maybe I would have chosen some other spiritually fulfilling, worthwhile vocation. I would have been on the right road, thus avoiding life's more risky avenues. Yet, because my life would have had the positive impact of God's stabilizing hand, my extremes would have been more rightly focused and less destructive. With the correct spiritual focus, I could have still been an extremist, but my activities would not have been so extremely bad!

Now, consider the other possibility, that of eliminating my extremist personality! That, too, would have improved my life, though not in the same way. Even with not knowing the truth about God, my life would have still turned out better because I would have placed myself in fewer no-win, low percentage situations. I may have been on the wrong road spiritually, but I would not have followed that wayward, trouble-filled path so far. I would have been more like the conservative mentioned above who knows when to let up or ease off. By simple analogy, not being an extremist may have meant throwing water balloons at passing automobiles rather than blowing them away with a cannon. Both actions are bad, but obviously, the latter is much worse than the former, and so are the penalties for getting caught!

As was stated earlier, many people seem to lack spiritual understanding. They, as was with me leading up to 1967, simply do not know the truth about God. However, when their own welfare is at stake, many of them, unlike I, do at least have the good sense to be more conservative. These individuals fall into the second category identified above, that of having a wrong theology but of not being so extreme in their actions. Even though they reside in spiritual darkness, their darkness is disguised or better hidden by a safer lifestyle. These people still need to know the truth about God, but at least their life, by being under greater control, does not exhibit that same dangling-over-the-side-of-a-cliff characteristic which had been so prevalent with me. They do not know about God, yet they are wise enough to take good care of themselves and stay from serious trouble.

In looking back, I know that I was the ultimate fool because I did not have that same common sense concern for my own well-being. Not only that, but I was also the idiot who was capable of anything. For years, I had existed within my own pathetic, self-destruct mode, brought down by those two powerful forces of wrong theology and an extremist personality. Each force had seemed beyond my control and understanding, both in 1967 and in the years before. As a result, the only ingredient that still needed to be added to my destructive brew and formula for failure was an untimely event, and that, too, would soon be coming!