Finding My Way Home - A Christian Testimony

After our talk at the bowling alley, I felt more like a failure than ever because I could once again see myself as trapped in a life which I did not want. At the same time, I also could not come up with a way to break myself free. So, while, on the one hand, I was trying to keep the faith and maintain some measure of hope, my situation from almost every angle seemed hopeless! I was feeling a lot of negative anxiety, yet I was also still reflecting on Glenn's words. Despite the slim chances of success, I dared to let myself dream. I continued to wish for a way out of my troubles, and I continued to think how great it would be to regain some of my lost dignity. I thought that it would be very nice to go back to school, and even though the fulfillment of such a lofty, idle thought seemed highly unlikely, I could still feel myself being drawn more and more in that direction.

In some kind of strange, magical way, my friend's words had actually done something to me or for me which was difficult to explain. It was something which struck a deep inner cord, plus his simple expression of concern had also created a spark which was beginning to turn into a driving passion. While I recognized the hopelessness of obtaining a completely new life, I still continued to dream. I knew that what he had spoken was exactly what I wanted! I wanted to return to school, I desperately wanted more than ever to get my education, and I very much liked the prospects of entering the Navy's Officer Candidate program. I did not know what I could or could not do, but I was beginning to feel that itch from within to at least try. I felt almost but not quite ready! I felt both hesitant and nervous. Yet, I also felt that I really had to try!

The final days of December passed without my having made any firm decisions. In many ways, as perhaps should already be obvious, I was on an emotional roller coaster. One moment, I felt up and ready for any and all challenges, but the next, I would feel defeated and completely unable to overcome even the smallest of obstacles. Despite that continual up and down emotional movement, though, the important seeds of hope had been planted. My friend had done his part. Now, my obsession with the Navy Reserves and their educational opportunities was growing, plus my passion for beginning life anew would not pass, either. Even after my friend's departure, those thoughts of a new life and the idea of using the Navy as my avenue for success were ingrained deeply on my mind, even to the point that I thought about them almost continually.

I began to see the military as my distant glimmer of hope and as my only probable course of escape! Yet, while leaning toward the Navy, I also had to question how I would ever be able to qualify for any educational programs considering my terrible record. I knew that acceptance into a certified program would not be automatic or easy. But I liked the sound of "Officer," and I was very much drawn to the drama of turning my broken life around in such dramatic fashion. From college flunky to Naval Officer - I liked that, even though the whole turnabout process seemed like an impossible dream!

As I worked through a plan, I had to marvel over just the past few days. Because of a long, lost high school friend, whom I had not seen for several years and only recently seen for a few days, I now knew what I wanted to do with my life. Until his brief return, I had sat in a single chair in my parent's home, day after day for a couple of months, contemplating and trying to resolve my many conflicts. Yet, in all that time, I had not come up with a single workable plan. My best ideas had only been replays of things which had already failed so that by the middle of December I had literally been at the end of my rope. Now, in just a few days with the Lord's help, my distant friend had broken through, and he had given me the direction and hope that I needed. Now, my new challenge was to figure out how to pursue that new dream! It was one thing to smell success. It would be quite another to actually achieve it. Besides that, even with a new direction, I was still consumed by many self-doubts. Here it was time for me to make my move, yet I still did not know for certain if I could or would succeed, and I was very much frightened by the prospects of more failure!

At this juncture, an important spiritual observation is in order, namely that one does not trust the Lord one day and know everything about Him the next. Christianity is not a static condition where one simply chooses to be a better person. Many believe this to be the case, but such a belief is not consistent with Bible teaching. A life in Christ is about a real relationship with the true and living God, a life in which one grows spiritually over time and learns to trust and serve the Lord. In the context of what I had begun in December 1967, I had not arrived. In a very real sense, I had only reached the starting gate so that for me everything was part of my learning curve.

Prior to December 14th, I had not known the Lord or anything about Him. After that day, I did know Him, but I still did not know much about Him! As the various events of late December and early January were unfolding, I was still very naive and ignorant. I did not realize that the Lord had already begun to figuratively shine His light before my path. He did not speak audibly to me, and I did not hear any heavenly voices. He also did not utter anything about going this way or that, so there was not any way that I could have known all of the spiritual ramifications of what was happening. Everything was occurring in my heart and mind, but nothing had been set in concrete. I had not received any clear, spiritual revelations, yet I could still feel myself being moved in a very clear direction! Much was going on in my head, but despite all of that, I still did not realize that that simple, basic prodding was the hand of the Lord.

Now, through hindsight, I know that His timing had been perfect, and now, everything makes sense! He had brought my friend back into my life at precisely the right moment. After my friend had completed his work, he was carried away. He had only returned to my life for a few days, but it was just long enough to plant a dream in my head about the Navy Reserves. Just as quickly and suddenly as he had returned to my life, he, like that undesirable acquaintance from my second job, was gone forever.

The two weeks ended, Glenn's work in my life had been done, and he was on his way to Viet Nam. All of those events occurred just over twenty-five years ago, and in the years since, I have only seen him on one other occasion. Upon returning from Viet Nam in March or April of 1969, he came to my house for a short afternoon visit en route back to his home in Ohio. We talked for a few hours. Then, he was once again gone, and I have not seen him since! The Lord had used him in a very significant way in my life during a single night in December 1967 at a bowling alley in Hampton, Virginia. When those events were taking place, neither of us knew what was happening! We were simply good friends trying to be good friends, yet the Lord was doing much more than either of us knew or could tell! He was using our friendship and short time together to get my life going. He, then, carried my friend away forever to his own life and dreams.