Finding My Way Home - A Christian Testimony

In early January 1968, a few days after Glenn had left for Viet Nam, I finally worked up the courage to approach the military, and for me, that was a big step! I did not know what to say, and I felt very nervous. My life had been a total washout for a long time. How could I explain such a pitiful past? What could I say? How could I justify myself to a total stranger? As I made my way to the Reserve Center, I knew that I did not have any convenient answers for all of those difficult questions. Yet, I also knew that I had to begin somewhere, and I had determined that this was to be the place! When I arrived at the Recruiter's office, I positioned myself squarely before the Recruiter's desk and waited to get his attention. As I stood there, I knew that my journey would be difficult, but I felt that I was at least ready to get started!

Finally, he looked up from his work and asked what I wanted. His question was simple and direct, obviously because he wanted to know why I was there, but I was nervous and had difficulty providing a prompt, military-style response. After all, he had a lot of stripes, his voice was stern, and I was on his turf now, not my own. In addition to being uneasy just to be talking to someone in the military, I was also somewhat intimidated by the whole situation. In my mind, I could easily envision those guys dragging me away into active service, as I helplessly kicked and screamed in protest. That, after all, was the military in January 1968, and with my age and non-college Draft status both spelling active military service soon, I was in a very vulnerable position. Nevertheless, I was determined to press on, even through those initial fears. I had decided to see my plan through no matter what, so I refused to let myself be "completely" intimidated even though that, for me, was a very intimidating situation!

Despite my uneasy state, I tried to seize control of the moment and carefully construct a sensible reply to his question. To picture the irony of my predicament, one would have to remember that I had been on a downward path for a long time, almost eight years. I was anxious to get my life on track and willing to take whatever chances lay ahead, yet at the same time, I had nothing going for me! I stood before this Navy Recruiter, looking like or at least pretending to be like someone who had done well in life, but my outward display of confidence was a fake, nothing more than a shallow facade. I had not done well, and I knew it! I had a lot of questions and doubts, yet through all of it, my answer to him was that I wanted to be an Officer. That's right! Like something out of a Hollywood script, I blurted out with an almost classic line. I looked him squarely in the eye and proclaimed, "I want to be an Officer!"

Coming from me in my unrehearsed, quivering voice, that statement was a joke! It was absurd, yet I was totally serious. I had tried to speak maturely and project at least a small measure of confidence, even though inwardly I knew that my whole performance was only an act. By rights, I should not even have been in his office making such a bold pronouncement because being an Officer in the military was a privilege reserved for people who had had their act together, not for losers and flunkies like me! Less than thirty days before, I had been completely undone by the hopelessness of my circumstances. Now, I was trying to become an Officer in the United States Navy. How ridiculous all of that seemed even to me!

Yet, when I made my remark, the Recruiter put down his pen and prepared to speak. I had gotten his complete attention, and it felt good! Despite my undone condition, he had, for some reason, taken my statement seriously. Either that or he was seeing his monthly quota being filled a little early! Whichever the case, I could see that he was about to give me a few moments from his busy schedule, and I was very nervous. Adding to the overall drama of all of this was my already instilled fear of rejection. Because I had very much doubted my overall chances for success, I had initially entered his office already expecting to fail! Therefore, right from the start, when he had reacted somewhat favorably to my petition, I was surprised!

After taking a moment to collect his thoughts, the Recruiter responded to my announcement by telling me that there were two different Navy Reserve Officer Candidate (ROC) programs. The first was the ROC-I program, which was for college students entering their final year of school. As I listened, it was obvious to me that I did not qualify for that one. Then, he began describing the ROC-II program, and my ears perked up because I knew that my choice and perhaps only opportunity to reclaim my broken life would have to be that program. However, as he concluded his comments, he inserted a critically important requirement, namely that the ROC-II program was for students who were down to their last two years of college. To enter ROC-I, one had to be a rising senior. To enter the ROC-II program, an individual was required to be a rising junior. I clearly was neither! I was not even in school! Therefore, I just as clearly DID NOT QUALIFY for either of the two Navy Reserve Officer Candidate programs.

Hearing those words was a tremendous shock! Ever since I had gotten the idea of becoming an Officer, my whole life had been like an emotional roller coaster, up one moment and down the next. From the beginning, I had questioned my chances of even getting into the Officer Candidate program. That had been a low point! Next, after several days of going back and forth with the idea, I had charged myself up to at least try. That had been a high point! Then, after hearing the Recruiter's words about the only two Officer Candidate programs and seeing that I did not qualify for either, my heart had sunk. Once again, I was plummeted to the bottom, to a brand new low! In just a couple of days, I had gone full circle, from down to up and back to down again. What to do next was a great mystery! Therefore, like a pathetic fool, I just stood there in front of the Recruiter, totally dumbfounded, speechless, and discouraged. In that moment of surprise and frustration, I could not and did not even try to say a word. I just stood there like a fool and probably looking very ridiculous

As I maintained that pose, I began thinking to myself that maybe trying to become an Officer really had been and was too much to expect for someone in my circumstances. Even when my friend had been visiting, I had suspected as much! Perhaps the whole idea of a military future truly had been an unrealistic expectation. Then, I considered that I might have gone after too much, too soon. Maybe I should have moved more slowly. I tried frantically to regroup after absorbing the Recruiter's hard blows, but my attempts to rationalize all of what he had said was not working! I could not recover quickly enough to hide my disappointment, and almost as quickly as I had become excited about my possible venture with the Reserves, my spirits were sunk! Just that quickly, my small amount of newfound faith and confidence had again begun to dissipate. I knew that I did not qualify for either ROC program. Furthermore, I could see that I was not even close and that I probably never would be!

In about one minute, my hopes and dreams had gone up in smoke. They had been completely shattered by a well-informed, well-meaning Navy Recruiter. Some would perhaps argue otherwise, but my quick acceptance of failure in that situation had been normal, and certainly was not abnormal. Even though I had turned to the Lord just a few weeks before and many things had changed, I had continued to have numerous personal fears and doubts. True, I had become a new creature in Christ, but I was still far from being completely redone! One's new life in the Lord is established instantly, like the birth of a child, when that individual receives Christ. However, as was stated earlier, one is not fully grown in the Lord quite so quickly. The spiritual maturing process occurs over time, and sometimes, it can take a very long time!

Because I had not matured in Christ, I was totally unprepared spiritually for that sort of setback. Because my faith was still very small, I did not understand what was happening, and I was confused! I saw myself standing in the Recruiter's office as the result of a friend's suggestion. My thoughts were now telling me that I had wasted my time. Little did I realize that while I was looking for a reason to blame Him that the Lord had actually been using that very moment of brief depression to formally begin turning things around. Up to that point, my dreams had only been in my head. Soon, they really would be on paper or set in concrete, as it were. While I had been standing there before the Recruiter in my pitiful, pathetic state, the Lord had been at work in my life, and I had not even known it. In looking back, it is now clear to me that He had had everything under complete control, even at the precise moment when I had been thinking that all seemed lost!

"I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

After his short presentation of each ROC program, the Recruiter nonchalantly, and obviously oblivious to my internal agonizing over his words, asked me which program I sought. What could I say? I knew that I had to tell the truth, so I did, by responding that I did not qualify for either. Then, like one who had often heard that type of negative reply, he asked how much college I had completed. I told him that I was not in college. He asked where I planned to go, and I indicated to him that I had been suspended from school the previous June. I did, however, express my interest in returning to ODU for the upcoming Summer Semester. I also informed him that my suspension should end at that point. Thus, I was completely honest and aboveboard about everything. I had little choice. All the incriminating facts about my life would have been too easy to verify, so it would have been pointless for me to lie or even think about trying to stretch the truth.

Having revealed those pathetic details of my life, the Recruiter should have kicked me out. That is what I probably would have done, but he did not! Instead, he asked if I could be in his office the next day to take a test. I responded that I could, and with that brief exchange, we set an appointment for noon. Unbeknownst to me, the Lord had been in the room during our short meeting. I did not see Him, and to my knowledge, He did not speak audibly. But He was there, and without my even realizing it, He was making good my path. David, the long ago King of Israel, expressed similar sentiments in the following words:

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. . . . It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. . . . You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn."