Updated – August 25, 1998
Fate or Free Will
Chapter 3 - Part A
October 30, 1997 – James Salan’s apartment – San Francisco
James Salan sat silently and vigilantly, watching the morning sun slowly spread its light over the buildings across the way. His breath flowed in and out in a rhythmic and slow fashion as he sat hunched over the back of his couch, staring out the picture window. He knew he’d done this many times before, both sitting at this window and watching the sun rise. Still, here and now, it was different. So many things were different now and too many things were the same.
In this relaxed state he allowed his senses to reach out beyond him. In doing so, he sensed the neighborhood awaken and slowly rise for the day. As well, he noticed Rebecca was slowly rising up, wondering where he was. It was on her that he now found himself focusing. He listened as she carefully and cautiously approached the bedroom doorway and paused to peek out at him.
He had to wonder what she was thinking. She was probably trying to figure out if he was about to do another turnabout on her. It was a good question, his actions had made it reasonable for her to worry. The future, it was better when one day was like the next. But the temple was gone and living like that had left Rebecca and his relationship in a tepid limbo. This may be tricky and dangerous, but it was better then that alternative he’d lived for the last five years, or losing her.
Slowly turning around he sat down on the couch. Trying to give Rebecca a reassuring smile, he beckoned her over.
Walking over to James, she secured his red robe around her body and continued to scrutinize him. Reaching him, she paused before cautiously saying, “I…I was surprised when I didn’t find you in bed when I woke. Is everything alright?”
“Yeah. I just woke up and had an impulse to see the sunrise.”
Nodding, she sat down and slipped her feet under herself. As she pushed her messy tangled hair back and down, she semi-sensitively said, “Well, I like sunrises.”
“I know.” Putting his hand on hers, he said, “I wouldn’t forget that. But you were sleeping and…well, I just needed to be alone with my thoughts for a bit.”
Oddly she said, “Oh.”
James didn’t find any comfort in her response. “How about you? Are you alright?” Slipping closer to her, he said, “I hope you aren’t having any second thoughts about last night.”
A small smile finally broke through her analytic demeanor. “No. You?”
He shook his head saying, “No. I regret a lot of things I’ve never done with you, but nothing we’ve actually done together.”
She nodded along, finally saying, “Good.”
“Rebecca, you’re scaring me.”
Her smile widened a little more, “Good.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “At least you have an idea of what it feels like.”
He curiously asked, ”So you’re just torturing me?”
Scrunching her face for a moment, she said, “No…well yes and no. You’ve been jerking me around a bit, but and I’m still a tad upset, but I’d never want to hurt you. I’m just trying to be careful. I don’t want to walk in here someday and have you look at me as if I don’t belong, that you wish I wasn’t here.”
“I’d never…”
Touching his cheek, she made him pause. Then running her fingers through his hair, she kissed him for a moment. “I hope not, but I’ve seen that fire in your eyes light up and die too often in just two days.”
“Hmm. It sounds like I’m going to have to prove my sincerity.”
“Yeah. But it’s not like I’ll talk you out of sweeping me off my feet. Seriously though, we just need to get used to all of this. Fear only feeds and grows in darkness and ignorance…”
“…and cannot survive in the light of knowledge and truth. I remember Tzu saying that.”
Smiling, she said, “Good. I’d hate to think you’d missed that lesson. We’ve said and done a lot of smart and stupid things, but I think we’re on the right track now, more or less.”
Putting an arm around her to draw her close, he said, “You really are putting a lot of faith in me, I appreciate that. I’ll have to learn from this.”
“Well, it’s a large part faith in you and blind impetuous love, but it’s also what you’ve been saying to me. You’ve tended to exhibit some affection, but the last two days, when you’ve touched my mind, you’ve been pretty clear about your feelings. It kind of gave me hope when I should have given up.
Nodding along, he responded, “Well, that kind of communication tends to be a bit more honest, especially when you’re feeling intense emotions. I ju…” He stopped in mid sentence, suddenly seeing something in Rebecca’s words. “Wait, you seem to be talking about more then one contact by me.”
Looking at him, she gave him a quizzical look. “Of course, first at my apartment, then at your apartment, then at dinner last night…and afterwards. Why?”
James sat silently as his eyes widened and he looked around, searching for words.
“James, what’s wrong?”
“I only tried to make contact with you at with you at your apartment.”
“But at dinner when you were telling those stories yo…”
Troubled, he said, “I don’t know what to say, I must have been acting unconscious. I didn’t invade your privacy, did I?”
Sitting up, she looked closely and sincerely at him. “No, not at all. It was like I was plugged into your brain. It was like we were one; I was remembering things with you. I was appreciating the trust and intimacy.”
Slowly shaking his head, James said, “I don’t like not knowing what my mind’s up to. It’s not safe, the mind arts require a lot of control.”
“You really didn’t know.”
Uncomfortably, he looked down and said, “Well, while we were talking at dinner I began to see…I just thought that I’d been focusing on you so much that I…” He stopped and shook his head. “I quickly brushed it all away, to protect your privacy.”
Rebecca joined him in staring at the floor. “Okay.”
For a minute the two sat silently. James tried to sort this out, one more thing. He was not going to let this become another problem. No, this could be good, he thought. Looking over at Rebecca, he took her hand and as she looked up at him. He smiled slightly. “Tell me, was it really a good experience?”
Letting herself only think for a moment, she emphatically nodded saying, “Yes, it was…well I shouldn’t even try to describe it. I’d only understate it.”
Placing her hand between his and looking at it, he said, “I guess I was trying to get things across that I was too much of a coward to say. So, I shouldn’t be too upset.”
Peering at him, she asked, “So what are you saying?”
Thinking for a second, he finally said, “I’d like to try…it.”
“To connect?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
Sighing, he paused before saying, “Do you think I’d ask otherwise?”
Smirking at him, “You just might be deceptive enough.”
“Okay, if you don’t want to, we won’t.”
“No wait!” Lowering her voice, she softly said, “I’m just a little surprised, and being difficult. Of course I’d like to try again.”
“I have to warn you though. If we’re both fully engaged, it might be a bit different. Also, there are different levels to this. Just be ready.”
Leaning in close to his face, she sarcastically said, “Ooooooow.”
Sighing, he shook his head. “Come on. Give me your other hand.”
Giving him her hand, she asked, “So, how’s this go?”
Calmly looking into her eager eyes, he said, “Well, close your eyes, relax, and be open.”
Closing her eyes, she quipped, “Isn’t this the same thing you said to me last night?”
“Funny.”
“So, when do the fireworks start.”
*****
As she finished her words, she was overwhelmed as James’ emotions, thoughts, and essence rushed through her. She felt herself fall back a little, as it all ran over her like a warm wave.
“My god…” As she began to remark on the abruptness of these new sensations, her own words began reverberating back at her and through her, much like James’ thoughts. But these echoed and grew in intensity.
After she paused, it died down. She spoke again trying to figure out what was happening. Her words began reverberating again.
Feeling James all around her, she paused again and waited for a moment.
“Becky, you’re trying to communicate conventionally. You don’t have to do that here.”
Adapting she responded, “Oh, sorry.”
“It’s alright, it’s a new experience. We’re both learning.”
The moment this had begun she knew how true these statements were. It was like she was floating in a warm ocean, yet she was also a part of it, and James. She couldn’t really see, but she was taking so much in. It was starting to be overwhelming.
“James?”
“Yes Becky?”
“Uh, well, it’s all a lot to take in at once, maybe we could pull back a little. You know, you were talking about levels?”
“Oh. You’re probably right. Okay, focus yourself on your physical self and we’ll see what we can do.”
Concentrating, the ocean diminished and flowed away, in its place the ground became evident underneath her. Sand? As the tactile nature of the ground became clear she also became aware of her arms and legs. Funny that I didn’t sense my lack of them before, she thought. Opening her eyes, she found herself sitting on a warm beach. Looking around herself, she saw palm trees, shrubs, and a beautifully clear and starry sky over a pristine and serene ocean. Sitting there on the beach, it was a heavenly sight to behold.
Still, looking around she couldn’t find James.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”
Twisting around, she found James standing there. As the wind blew through his hair, he walked forward to her. Inspecting him, she noticed he was in a white shirt and jeans. Looking down at herself, she found she was wearing a long white dress.
Holding out his hands to her, he helped her up off the ground. As their hands touched, she felt an odd sensation rush through her.
Examining him again, and the landscape, she asked, “Where are we?”
Smiling at her, he said, “We’re still connected, just this is a little more grounded in your perception of reality.”
Turning, she looked out into the night sky and the vast ocean stretched out before her. She marveled in the splendor of the view before asking, “Why a beach?”
Coming up behind her, he gently put his hands on her arms. The same sensation from before pulsated through her again. He quietly talked in her ear, saying, “Well, I formed it all from your impressions and interpretations of what was happening. It seemed like an easier adjustment for you. Lack of vision to night, being in the midst of an ocean to being beside one. Even our clothing, just plain and simple. But, personally, I think it’s a beautiful spot. It reminds me of my younger days, in Asia.”
Turning her head back to him, she looked at him, saying, “It is beautiful, exquisite. I’m just sorry I wasn’t up for that…other thing.”
“No, I shouldn’t have let us try that, especially this quickly. That’s something that one usually works towards in meditation. You establish yourself and your essence and then flowing amongst others becomes easier. So, I should have been a lot more careful and a little less eager.”
Smirking a little, she said, “No ones perfect.” Leaning in she met him in a kiss. Again, the sensations of their touches flowed through her, as their lips made contact. In fact, adding this contact to the holding over arms only helped to increase its intensity. She was a little surprised to find it was in fact a rather pleasant sensation. Indescribable, but pleasurable. As they slowly pulled back from each other she finally asked, “What’s happening every time we touch?”
Looking up into the sky for a moment, he put his words together. “We’re not actually doing anything physically. We’re on a level of existence outside of that, sort of. Don’t ask me to get into Akashic metaphysics, please. Anyway, we’re pretty much the essence of our thoughts, feelings, etc., minus the bodies. So what’s around us, what we are, and what we do is a combination of who we are. All of this is sort of an…amalgam of us. The two of us here, though, are the centers of our essences. So everything flows through us and out of us, what we are and what we want to do.”
“So seeing as we’re somewhat amorous, the intensity of that is flowing through us, like in a circuit? Passion. Desire. Love.”
Furling his brow, he said, “This isn’t my specialty, but yeah, that as good an explanation as any.”
Turning to face him, she put her arms around him. “Hmm. Imagine the possibilities.”
“There are a lot of them. Right here we’ve created a kind of safety zone. A place where we’re on equal and stable footing, so no one can get lost or hurt.”
“Meaning…”
“Meaning before it was possible to drift into nonexistence or have a sensory overload or far worse. It’s why I should have been more careful and should not have allowed myself to risk you on some…” Seeing the look Rebecca was giving him, James got onto a new subject. “Anyway, this place gives us somewhere to start, and learn, if you still think you want to.”
“Hey, Void Engineers are explorers, how can I turn down a challenge like that, especially from you.”
“Ah, I always wondered what you did when you were working. An explorer of the unknown, interesting.”
She looked down, a little embarrassed. “Actually that’s not true. I’m more on the R&D side of things. Just a techie making toys.” Laughing slightly, she said, “I’ve never even been away from the West Coast in my life.”
Putting his hand through her long red hair, he said, “It’s a little odd that someone who can go anywhere instantly, doesn’t. But it does mean you’ve a lot you can see out there and do. It could be fun and I know I’d love the chance to show you Kuala Lumpur, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Paris, London, or Montreal from my perspective. Just consider them a few more challenges.”
“That would be nice. I guess I just started to think about how small and confined my world really is.”
“You’ll just have to do something about that.”
Looking at him, her thoughts wandered a bit. She finally said, “Yeah. Let’s get off of this subject. I’m killing paradise.”
“Okay, but let me say this, you are not as trapped or confined as you think. I’ve known you for a while now and I’ve watched you grow and learn. This beautiful woman before me is no prisoner. She is a fighter, a survivor, and more then capable of handling the world, when she wishes. You’re not just some twenty-three year old kid genius anymore Rebecca. You’ve grown and you are overwhelming. If I ever make you feel otherwise feel free to…well I guess you’re already making me pay.”
Lightly smiling, she said, “You bet. Thanks.”
“I mean it.”
“Hey, seeing as where we are, I can tell.”
Laughing, he nodded and looked around. “This place can seem rather real, if you let it. I almost forgot.”
A serious look crossed over Rebecca’s face. “Oh hell. What time is it?”
“Don’t worry I’ve been keeping time since we started, you aren’t going to be late. I wasn’t about to endanger you here or out there.”
“I sort of wish we didn’t have to go yet.”
A little amused at her comment, he put his arms around her waist. “That’s what I was afraid of. I’m more impressive in my own mind and your imagination, then in person.”
Rebecca laughed for a minute before slipping her arms around his neck. “Let’s put that to a test.” Pulling him down slightly she pressed her lips to his in a kiss. Finally releasing him, she softly said, “Now for part two. How do we back out of this?”
“Just will yourself back.”
*****
As disconcerting as it was, she found herself opening her eyes, again. Before her was the apartment and, most important, James. Smirking a little as she moved forward, she kissed him again.
As she sat back, James slowly opened his blue eyes and watched her, saying, “Well?”
Whimsically, she said, “Much to my surprise, it’s a tie.”
Furling his brow, he asked, “Does that mean you find me that impressive, or that you don’t have much of an imagination?”
Giving him a look, she replied, “I don’t know. Which way do you read it?”
Pretending to think for a minute, he finally said, “Thank you for the compliment.”
Taking the chance to look around the apartment again, Rebecca lamented. “Well this concludes the fun part of the day, now onto the plain crappy portion.”
Looking sympathetically at her, James said, “I wish I could do something.”
Patting his chest, she replied, “Just love me, remind me constantly, and just be around.”
“I think I can pull that off.” For a minute the two looked at each other. Quickly, James moved to scoop Rebecca up.
A little surprised, she asked, “Whoa, what’s this?”
Standing up with her, he said, “I’m sweeping you off your feet.”
“Apparently you’ve never learned about metaphors.”
Starting to move around the table, he resumed his point, “Besides, if we sit their much longer, you’d never leave.”
Groaning, she lied her head on his shoulder. “It’s tempting, James.”
“If you’re still in there after all this time, you must have a good reason.”
Glumly, she said, “Yeah, it’s hard to explain, James.”
Slowly putting her down at the door of his bedroom, he quietly said, “I understand.”
*****
<-- BACK NEXT -->
Return to Fate or Free Will Main Page
Return to Mind Altering Stories