A few months ago I was standing next to a bunch of future sorority girls at graduation; that never had and never will accept me as anything but a phantom. So maybe I didn’t have giggles stored for the jock boys. I could care less that my shirt wasn’t any feminine shade of pastel, because I had my own identity and I wasn’t opposed to it. Though my seriousness and thirst for intellectual conversation scared everyone away, these people had been no great loss, but I was missing something.

I think that this solitary car ride to my new home made me realize that even I could get lonely; the one who never needed much but her own dream world to hide in. I could feel a tiny ball of excitement in my stomach when I thought of the possibility of meeting friends in my new town; friends that I could empathize with; other people out there with thoughts and ideas as deep as my own. I laughed at the idea thinking myself maybe a little bit too greedy or selfish.

I pulled my car into the nearest parking space to my apartment and walked the pathway through to the other side of the building. The complex was like an open rectangle of apartments, all built with rough gray and brown brick with a fenced in and raised swimming pool in the center. Walking up the stairs to my apartment I glanced back at the pool to scan for any potential friends. No one caught my eye. And no one seemed to notice me but a few old women whispering together and openly staring at me with looks of distaste on their faces.

I opened my apartment and stepped into my new silent haven, the tiny ball of excitement in my stomach rapidly vanishing after seeing the oh-so-familiar looks. Maybe they were confused; trying to guess my gender. I did look like a girlish boy with my really short black hair and flat chest. It only confused people more when I would tell them that my name is Julien. Although these old women meant nothing to me I thought of other people in my past. It seemed that maybe I didn’t belong anywhere at all and no one was there for me to share the things I held dear, as different as those dear things were compared to other peoples. Maybe my premonition of what my future would feel like, taste, and sound like were all imaginary. Yet the feeling still existed, the same as it always had, a small hint of excitement and fear.

As soon as the sun was well off on it’s way to the other side of the world I crept down to the pool and watched the moon dancing on the surface of the night-chilled water. Right then I caught a glimpse of a dark figure diving into the moon. A head bobbed up.

“Shawn! Hey, fuck head, get in!”

“Wait a minute! I’ve got to put out my cigarette first, asshole!” another dark figure on the other side of the pool hissed back. I giggled, but it went unnoticed. Orange-red sparks bounced off of the poolside like a miniature fire work show as he stubbed his cigarette out.

I watched them frolic in the cold water and laugh conspicuously. I thought for sure people would be wobbling out to their balconies half-naked and half-awake to shout at them, but all lights stayed off. It had to have been at least half and hour later that they spotted me watching them with interest. Instead of interrogating me by hissing across the pool they both got out and walked toward me with their black clothes leaving black puddles of wetness on the cement walk. I started to stand up and speak; pretend that I wasn’t spying on them, but before I could they were sitting a foot away; the boy called Shawn making sloppy wet sounds by pulling his shirt away from his body and letting go. The other, with smudges of darkened water running down his face, held out his hand.

“Hey. I’m Andrew,” he smiled as I shook his cold wet hand and he had this look of insanity on his face that I liked right away. He pushed his shoulder length scraggly hair behind his ears.

“And this is my friend Shawn,” he said while shaking the boy from side to side by his shoulders. Shawn looked really young. But he must have been at least eighteen or so and his thinning short black hair made him look a little more his age.

“I’m Julien.”

As the night wore on I found out a lot about my new friends. When I first met Shawn he seemed sort of infantile, but as I got to know him more I realized that he, himself, had his own little world, like Andrew’s more serious one, and like the one I was so desperately always trying to complete, only his was a more humorous one. But despite the differences in our worlds they were all so closely the same one.

I didn’t get back to my apartment until the sky began to turn medium rare pink. When I opened the door I began to sneak back to my bedroom quietly, exhausted and noticeably stoned, until I remembered that I didn’t live with my parents anymore.

That night my twin bed with broken springs felt like a cloud beneath me, soft and plush. The little ball of excitement inside my stomach began a slow returning feeling of luminescence and my premonition of what I felt my future would be like began creeping back to me and I fantasized different worlds, parallel universes, and unknown entities.

“So, what do you think about our new friend?” Shawn asked as he handed Andrew back his cigarette. This was a common ritual that took place between them after smoking pot.

“I think she’s a lot like us,” Andrew got up from their thrice owned couch and walked over to the mirror where there was a riddle painted in black acrylic. He traced the words on it with his index finger.

‘I’ll steal your soul if you stare to long.
Nothing I tell you is a lie, but you take it in wrong.
A finger-smudged truth teller is all that I can be.
And if you give me your eyes I can see.’

He thought about Ana and his eyes went from the riddle to their own glassy, brown reflection. Ana, so sad and so impartial to many things, but she was the giver of worlds only dreamed of, or maybe just the ultimate doorway to a different world. Regardless, she was only human just like every one else, but a human with a secret only a chosen few would become a part of and Andrew felt that Julien was one of those few.

“I think we should introduce her to Ana,” he turned back to Shawn just as the boy was stubbing out his cigarette. A shocked expression on his pale face, “Do you think that’s such a good idea? I mean, you know what could happen.”

“Of course ‘I know what could happen.’ Why do you think I brought it up?” Andrew smirked.

“Okay. It could be a good thing. Lets just hope that we’ve decided correctly because we don’t want the result on our asses. I don’t want to go through that any more than once.” he laughed nervously.

Shawn grabbed Andrew’s shirt and pulled him down onto the couch so that he wouldn’t be pacing in that annoying manner that he always did when he was thinking. Then he leaned forward to pick up his lighter. With one flick of his thumb the lighter was ablaze and with one slow turn of his wrist this flame birthed a second, cradled on top of an emerald votive candle. Shawn’s strange eyes held Andrews as he walked to the other side of the coffee table and sat so that their eyes were straight across from each other, held and locked with the candles flame their center point. And Shawn whispered, “Maybe…”

As I awoke and looked out my window I found it odd that the sky was so dark. Just yesterday morning the sun was so brilliant that I had to drive with my sunglasses on and my visor down or surely the sun would have left smoldering holes in my retinas. Then looking, my clock told me why it was so dark. It was already seven p.m.!

“Shit!” I hated the fact that I had slept the entire day away. Usually this wouldn’t irk me a bit because all I had was an excessive amount of time on my hands. Today was different. Because of Shawn and Andrew I didn’t feel like the outsider that I did yesterday afternoon, and for years before that. With them I had found another comforting, sturdy foothold that would help me discover what it was I was really looking for.

While I stood up to search among my floor pile for some clothes to put on I heard a ‘ting’ noise in the living room, like someone flicking their nail against glass. I pulled on some wrinkled, baggy cargoes and a tank top that looked like it could stand a couple more days of wear and half sleepily and half just not caring at all if some stupid bastard chose my empty apartment to rob walked toward the living room.

When I entered the living room I didn’t see anyone at first, but I guess my eyes weren’t adjusted because when I turned to go into the kitchen I heard Andrew say, “Have any plans this evening?”

It frightened me so much that I almost tripped over my own foot and right before me were Shawn and Andrew with mischievous grins on their faces.

“You bastards! You scared the shit out of me!” I exhaled. They just looked at one another and laughed. “Well, what are you guys doing?” I asked rubbing my sleepy eyes.

They exchanged glances then Andrew said, “Um, we were planning on hanging out with our friend Ana tonight. Want to come?”

I kind of had the feeling that they were up to something else, but I figured ‘what the hell, it’ll be more fun than sitting here’. “Yeah, just wait for me to change.”

I didn’t exactly know what our destination was, but the drive there lasted at least an hour. I brought my tape with me though, so that we would have something cool to listen to. Then the building appeared; five stories high and still unfinished. Yet there were people going in and out of it carrying colorful plastic bags with fancy brand names on the front of them. We were at the mall. The last place I thought these guys would want to hang out, but then again it was huge and just waiting to be explored by us. I remember looking up at the very top floor. Each floor had massive and plentiful windows with dull yellow florescent light shining through; except the top floor those windows were black. There was nothing to be seen inside the top floor windows but the night’s reflections, which made my mind churn with curiosity.

“Ana! This is our friend Julien.” Andrew introduced me to a shy fatigued looking girl with long brown hair.

“Hi,” was all I could think of to say and she smiled. Her eyes were a glassy gray-blue and they darted nervously. I don’t think she was used to meeting new people. She had this feeling about her that pulled me in like a magnet, like Andrew’s eyes and Shawn’s black hair.

We didn’t even start exploring, but instead decided to go up to the very top floor to hang out; which would be more rebellious and fun anyway. We didn’t have to worry about security. The security guards there were all clones of each other; very rotund with one hand on a doughnut and the other rested on his nightstick. They’re so useless. No wonder they go around bullying kids for petty reasons. If I were as boring and useless as a toy cop was I probably would too.

No one seemed to even look at us as we made the way up to the top floor, which was strange because Andrew and Shawn couldn’t have been any louder.

When we made it to the top there were broken boards and other carpenters remains lying about on the floor so we made our way over to the window cautiously and cleared a spot on the floor to sit next to one another.

“So, where are you from?” I asked Ana. She only smiled and said, “Oh, here and there. Mostly there.”

She was a rather confusing person to talk to because she seemed to always give off-the-wall answers to everything or find a way not to reply at all if you asked questions. But she knew a lot about religion and science. She reminded me of Alice, from Alice in Wonderland. She was also very interested in the occult, which really steered the conversation a little deeper than I wanted it to go, but some how I was entranced by her knowledge. It was that whole thing about me thirsting for intellectual conversation, remember? Anyway, Andrew and Shawn decided they were hungry and bounded down the stairs to the food court.

“You understand the concept of making things happen by using your own energy?”

“Well, yeah.” I replied.

“What if you could do other things, like make an entire world all on your own? You can do that after death you know. What would your world be like, Julien?”

I couldn’t understand what she was talking about. I thought she was hitting on me in her own little gothic way, but I wasn’t sure. I leaned over closer to her and I could see the moon shining through the window into her gray-blue eyes and giving them their own radiance. I couldn’t look away because I could feel my heart beating so hard against my rib cage. The feeling was so good. I felt so alive! Then she touched my face and kissed me with her hand pressing my head closer to hers. Oh God, this was so perfect, but so confusing. I didn’t know I could feel this way, especially with a girl. I was always curious, but never thought it would become anything more than that. Her hands were on my face again and they felt wet. Then it struck me, something weird is happening. Something about the wetness on my face, the smell, copper. I rubbed my face and looked down at my hand and through the darkness I could tell that the liquid was blood. Where did it come from? I’m not hurting…

“Julien, this is all going to change. Everything you feel. Everything you know will be different. You want this.”

I was so confused! What was she talking about? Then I heard it or rather felt it, it was so thunderously loud. The building shook and again and again subsequently after each and every one before, and I realized these are footsteps?

“He’s coming for us! Go to the window so he can see! Come with me to the window!” “Ana! Stop your scaring me! I’m scared!”

I glanced out the window and everything seemed blacker than before. I could see what looked like a giant arm made of shadow, but it was solid, but it was shadow, I don’t know. I’ll go first! I’ll show you it only hurts for a while! I’ll do it to show you!”

Ana threw herself at the window and I covered my face expecting to hear her fragile bones break, but I heard a loud sucking sound, loud enough to be a black hole, and uncovered my face. The giant arm had come through the glass, not a crack or anything to prove it! There, Ana was gripped inside that huge hand and being pulled outside! She was extended in mid-air for a second and I could see blue electricity coming off her as her body twitched uncontrollably in pain. I could see the shadow now; it’s eyes were completely black except specks of glowing red were there too. It was not just the color that scared me, but inside them I could see such power, such superiority! Looking into those eyes was the most terrifying experience anyone could ever have!

There was a bright white-blue flash and pop, and then everything went black again and Ana was standing before me. The thunderous noises still remaining. Whatever this thing was it was very impatient!

“Go to him now, Julien,” she whispered so calmly to me, blood pouring from small crescent moons in the palm of her hands. She must have squeezed her hands into frustrated fists when we were kissing. “There is nothing to fear in Death. You will only gain an entire world of your own, to mold and to create.”

Between the shaking in my legs and the tears flooding my eyes I felt the banister and steadied myself with it. I tried to convey to her through my facial expression that I had found courage and that I would go through with it, but instead turned on my heal and jumped three steps at a time. I don’t know how I made it down the stairway, but I did.

I know this must sound crazy, but I could not let anyone know what had happened. You see they would have locked me up and it would find me so easily, so I dried my eyes and searched for the food court. Finally I found the food court, which was a circular room with many, many windows like all the other floors, but it reminded me of The Jetsons. I looked around, shaking nervously, for Andrew and Shawn. Neither was there, but I didn’t care too much because if their friend was the one who summoned this thing then how much more trustworthy were they? Instead I walked over to one of the shops, got a coffee, and sat down with the coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

Outside the thunderous sound came again and I could vaguely make out what the two gentlemen in front of me said after the noise, something about an earthquake. Can you believe that! Here I was stuck inside this hellish building with a shadow man waiting for me to exit so that he can bring me to my death in God knows what kind of painful ceremony of his and everyone else thought that all they were experiencing was mild earthquake tremors!

Being in this window-infested room did not help any so I decided I would search for the only place where there definitely would not be any windows, the movie theater. I sat in the very back for two hours; that seemed to go by in only minutes, just staring at the screen. I did not comprehend a thing that happened in the movie and my mind was so far-gone that I could not focus my eyes well enough to even make out the people who were playing the characters. Especially when I could still feel the monstrous footsteps. Even in here I could not pretend that nothing had happened.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I could not hide away in the mall forever so I made my way through the movie theater back to the food court. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Andrew and Shawn so I started to dash toward them not thinking twice and they chuckled, waved, and faded out of their very existence leaving me to ponder what I had just seen. What are they? I could hear a faint voice in the back of my mind. They are no different than you. They’ve only crossed over into death. But this wasn’t natural! People die all they time, but they can’t deceive people into thinking they really exist the way Andrew and Shawn have deceived me! Did I ask for this in some way, maybe subconsciously?

My mind, a confusing mess of bafflement, and my body trembling like a wet lost puppy I did the only thing that I could think of. I ever so quickly made my way to the car that we had drove to the mall in and started driving far and fast not knowing where to stop or sleep or live, but I clearly remember the song that was playing. Ironically, it was the song that I’d listened to the day that I moved here, the song about the man and his shadow.

And so it goes: I am forever running from my death, like most everyone else in one way or another, but only there is quite a difference. And if one ever wonders why my eyes go out of focus, my hands shake, or I say something out of the ordinary, he will realize that I am stuck between two worlds and running. I only hope that my death will be of this world and that the pain will be familiar, that ‘the shadow’ will not take me.

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