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From
the Grapevine... Intercepted
Correspondence |
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Overheard
in a bar in Coff's Harbour
Friday, 3/02
In
a dark, smoky barroom in the middle of Coff's Harbour, noise and karaoke music
pours from out of the swinging doors. Two manly red scooters are parked outside,
their wheels cocked in a rakish manner. Inside, two band mates are smoking
and drinking heavily; plotting strategy for their upcoming tour and promotion
of a new album.
Fade In:
Background: every waitress, effeminate bartender and the elderly hostess with her walker are circling the two rugged men in the corner booth like buzzards waiting for an opportunity to lunch. The two ozzies are blissfully unaware..
Russell (stroking his beard absently): So, Dean, how can we mess with their minds this time? Last year it was 105 degree weather, long lines and an hour and a half of classical music, followed by a comic that shot balloons out of his nose. We are really going to have to come up with something great to top that.
Dean (so cool he doesn't need ice in his drinks): Let's do another gig in Austin in August, it's hotter then hell and maybe this time we will finally kill off Dave from Stubb's with all the stress.
Russell (tugging softly at his lower lip): I could slowly stroke the side of my crotch again and have the 1st 3 rows faint.
Dean (too sexy for his rose shirt): You already did that and mentioned your underwear was soaking wet. Like you wear any!!
Russell (running his hand through his long locks and chortling at his own cleverness): Right, mate. The safety pin in the album sure has 'em confused. I keep telling everyone I want babies. No one seems to be paying any attention.
Dean (wearing classy ray ban shades although in a bar): I suggest you leave off with the Bono impersonation Russ, you are starting to freak me out with those buggy shades, mate.
Russell (reaching inside his open shirt to stroke his nipple cause it itches or it just feels good): I got to do something about my image. My trick with the same flannel shirt didn't fool my fans or anyone else for that matter. Maybe I should bring out the old stand by Canon shirt. That always gets a rise.
Dean (shooting a double shot of jack daniels): Well, you could at least wash a shirt if you are going to wear it for weeks on end. Say, how about a contest where the fans have to send in their reasons for wanting us to play their home town? That will be enough to make them wonky. I bet we get cold hard cash, phone numbers and people's first born.
Russell (setting his shot glass on fire, drinking it down and following it with a full beer): Whoa, mate. I said I wanted babies, I meant my own!
Dean (mentally adding condoms to the tour list): Well, we were in Austin last year, they could be yours, you wanker.
Russell (giggling at his own joke): Hey, Dean, remember when we made the crowd learn the words to a song and then didn't put it on the album? That was the best, man.
Dean (wishing for a harem but not sure where he would put them): Yeah, and remember we shot a video before we left and we didn't bother to release it in the states where 99% of our fans are? I think we got this " mess with their minds" stuff down, how could we possible improve?
Taking a swig of beer: Russell (tugging at the crotch of his jeans): I know, I could threaten to quit acting for the next 10 years and produce the next Destiny's Child album and Enimem's video : Slap my Bitch up.
Dean (wondering if he could possibly move even less while on stage): Sounds great, why not tattoo the name of your dog on your butt, that will throw them off.
Russell (asking himself where he is going to put all the crosses and stuffed cows): Not enough room, since I put a portrait of my favorite cow back there.
Dean (visions of hootchie mama's in his head): Well, lets have another drink.. if we drink enough we are SURE to come up with more evil ways to mess with em…
© Chindi and Felipe (partners in crime) / RSTCA & Beautiful Minds MB
Thanks to the quick-fingered mail clerk we have planted in the Princeton Post Office on the corner of [censored!] streets, Crowe fans everywhere can now get a cherished peek at the beautiful mind that is Russell Crowe! Here we've pilfered a letter home to his Mum he must've penned sometime in the early weeks of filming on the "A Beautiful Mind" set on the campus of Princeton University. Thanks to that diligent fan mole at the P.O., we have the pleasure of sharing it with you, his loving fans! Never fear, we have not prevented Mrs. Crowe from receiving news from her beloved son; though the envelope was steamed open and carefully hand-copied, it was lovingly sealed shut again and sent on his merry way to Nana Glen!
Dear Momma Crowe...
I am writing to you from Princeton University and wanted to share my many experiences with you. It has been a great shoot so far and I am making lots of friends. I joined a Fraternity, the Alpha Eta Pi and have been hazed and initiated all in one night. They showed me their beer bong and I showed them my water bong. The cultural gap between Australia and America is growing smaller, mum. Yes, I am still taking my medicine for my shoulder thus the water bong. I think it is still really helping but could you send me some roasted wattleseeds and some apple filos. Oh yeah and some kangroo jerky and whatever else you got lying about. I get real hungry at night.
The initiation involved something called a panty raid and I did a great job. Brought back two. The blokes neglected to tell me that the panties did not have to be on the girls still. We get on great, they study for their mid-terms, I study for the next day's lines. They have requested that I keep Courtney Love from climbing up the lattice, since she accidentally keeps ending up in the wrong room and bed and refuses to leave. She actually scared poor Biff so bad, he had to be sent home. He kept mumbling " okay, okay I'll do whatever you want, please just put some clothes back on" If she calls for me at the house, tell her I am at Dani's, will ya?
The cast and director are great. Ed Harris is a real nice chap except I think he might have a bit of kleptomanic problem. I have found my Oscar hidden in his dressing room twice along with several pairs of my boxers!! What is it with Americans and there apparent fascination for underwear? I don't want to ruffle any feathers so I just sleep with Oscie by my side and lock my luggage. It's all about the project dontcha know.
Tuesday morning after a particular rousing party at the frat house,( wet t-shirt contests are the best) I had a blistering hangover and when Opie said " catch the flippin birds" , I mistook him and flipped the bird to some crazy phototog hanging out a window by her belt loop trying to snap photos for some rag. Honest mistake! Could have happened to anyone. Now, not only am I considered " surly " but also known for " the finger heard around the world". Great.
Still corraling the pigeons was interesting, they are much faster then the cows and thus a lot more work. I can't wait to see what happens next week. Luv to you Mum, kiss my cows and I will report back later.
Russell " Nash " Crowe
© Chindi and Felipe (partners in crime) / RSTCA & Beautiful Minds MB
Dear Russell...
Your mum has passed along your letter from Princeton. I hope you don't mind if I send you a little note and a care package! Your mum said she would write later.
Now Rusty you be careful out there with all those Americans! My goodness.. it sounds as though they are very rowdy at that school. And noisy too.. what with all those bells going bong. And goodness.. be careful not to catch the death of pneumonia with your wet t-shirts.. shall I send you some flannies? ah well I hope you find time to rest and relax between the work!
I
saw the picture of you with all those pigeons, honey. You are always so good
with animals! (Remember when that wombat you caught nearly nipped your nose
off?) And I thought you were such a lovey to wave to that woman in the window
above you.. I think your kindness to fans is unmatched!
Did I tell you that I am knitting you a new sweater? I thought you could use it come this summer when you travel around the US with your band mates. I remember you saying its not THAT warm in the States.
Your mum and dad have been painting the fences again. Something about graffiti on them.. I don't understand it all.. so I try to pay it little mind. There were a bunch of phone numbers. I think your Da has collected those in a book for you. Volume 14 if I am not mistaken. Jocelyn was laughing about it tho, so it can't have been too bad...
We can't wait for you to bring the Oscar back.. I thought we could keep him in the kitchen.... Momma Crowe said you were using it to crack nuts.. so that seems like a handy place for it.
I hope you like the little parcel I am sending along. I tucked some VB in with the pants (Tell me Russell why must we always be sending you underwear? What are you doing with them son?) I also put a new picture of Chasen I thought you might like.. look how he is nipping the cows heels.. so cute and all...
Well I must get back to the telly.. they are going to have a story about you and your new wife and children.. I always try to keep up! These stories are so silly! I am sure I would remember if I had been to your wedding!! Though I must say that new hairstyle is a bit old isnt it? I like it when you grow your hair long sweetheart.. like when you were a darling little boy... miss the curls too.
Much love
Granny Crowe
**AUTHOR'S NOTE: these are satires and not meant to offend any persons nor to pretend to be from any REAL LIVE persons!!! These may not be reposted to other boards, tho you may give URL address to this site, should you wish to do so. Thank you!**
© Chindi and Felipe (partners in crime) / RSTCA & Beautiful Minds MB
Dear Terry:
Its been a tough week.. not the sort of letter I can write to granny.. nudge nudge.. so give her my love... Must say that mum is having a grand time on the set. Her and Opie have hit it off well, he must be just as exhausted as me. He called her ' Aunt Bea' and she almost clouted him. Still it's good for her to get away from the farm for a little while. But between you and me… and don't tell Dad.. they are beginning to call her by her first name at Tiffany's.
You
missed a great a birthday party. I was trying to get all those stiff hollywood
mannequins like Fishstick Paltrow to dance. Calling out ""HIT THE FLOOR""
and the only Aussie in the place, Peta, took it literally...Knocked herself
out cold. I tried to revive her and she came up swinging. Fiesty Little
Sheila. I am sure the pooparazzi will have her preggars by next week. Which
I wouldn't mind since I want Babies and all, but her boyfriend wouldn't
be amused. A little friendly competition never hurt anyone, so it ended
up well. We were all doing Tequila Shots and hunting for a fire escape.
She's got a pretty good aim for a girl.
Which reminds me, my trainer - you know the Russian type beauty you keep asking about? (I put a word in for ya mate-wink)- has come up with a right zinger of a workout plan. She calls up the photogs and the crapparazzi and has them lurk about, so when we go out for our run, I am sure to keep the pace up. I mean I literally have to sprint to keep those bastards off my tail. I think I have lost at least 3 stone from this regimen. I took them on a merry chase through Central Park the other day, you should have seen it. Crazy Wankers couldn't keep up with all their equipment.
Met some nice ladies last week too. The brought me 37 cans of VB (did you put them up to it me old mate??) cus if you did you know that's BARELY enough to wet the whistle.. and WHERE IS THE REST??? I have since run out (me and Ed Harris have been playing an American drinking gamed called "" Quarters"") so please hunt down those gorgeous delivery maidens. I'd contact them myself but one of the tinnys leaked and ruined their email addys. Some of them had even stopped off for shots of Tequila before they came by the trailer. Something about shoot 5 and get the 6th one free, so they were a little late getting here. Another was smelling quite nice with some perfume that reminded me of Jack Daniels. These are my kind of ladies!! Some of the items in the duffel need some explanation, hell one of the items needs a demonstration. I am going to tell you which sheilas I want to come back (take notes ) ALL OF THEM!! Load them each down with a case. That should last until the weekend and see if they can stay a little longer this time will ya?
I have been re-writing BLOC songs in between takes since I have no time to come up with new ones.. It has helped that I was a swallowing those ladies gifts..giggling. See what you think, they still need some work:
Things have got to Formulate:
...How did I get here, when do I get to tour?...
V-B Day:
....Green tinny cans, all the white foam froth..this bloke ain't going nowhere baby, til V-B's all gone..Sail those same surly Oceans:
Actor's coming home again from after the Os-car's...The Legend of Mark and Big Vinny (Whoa..you really don't want to know what that one's about) and I finish it with that great Scottish Tune The Appropriate Dipstick.
The night that Peta Hit the Floor
(see above bro)Wendy
- needs too much work STILL, but I will keep at it.
I still got more
to do and Opie is getting hoarse from shouting ' Cut ', ( I think it's a
ploy to get to 
my
V-B. Like I said, I NEED MORE, find those ladies and QUICK )
Thank Granny for the underoos.. they always come in handy.
Love
your V-B deprived Brother Russell
**AUTHOR'S NOTE: these are satires and not meant to offend any persons nor to pretend to be from any REAL LIVE persons!!! These may not be reposted to other boards, tho you may give URL address to this site, should you wish to do so. Thank you!**
© Chindi and Felipe (partners in crime) / RSTCA & Beautiful Minds MB
Surely,
at this late date, no disclaimer is necessary?
*sigh*
DISCLAIMER: Nothing on this page is real. No one's been stealing mail from the U.S. Postal Service. No one's been bribed into wearing mini-cam's on their aprons; no one has embedded any microphones into chocolate mint candy laid out on anyone's hotel pillow; no one has been hiding out in pubs in Coff's Harbour waiting for Russell Crowe and Dean Cochran to show up and discuss driving their fans to distraction (though, surely, this conversation took place at some point in time, we just don't know where or when); and, for God's sake, no one knows what Russell Crowe writes in his letters to his Mum... besides, he probably doesn't write her anyway, he's got that cellphone surgically attached to his ear, remember? So don't even think it!
Thank you.
The Management
