Following are the entries from my journal - hardly modified about the events of September 11th. I have lived my entire life in the NY metro area -- most of it 3 miles from the GWB. I have family that lives in NYC and as you will see below I have a family member that perished. As I write this, November 26, 2001, the Taliban are quickly falling. Things have changed but as I felt immediately afterward, I still feel today -- hope.
11 Months later -- an update and short reflection is also below.
September 12, 2001 8:35PM
SEPTEMBER 11 2001- the day America changed
I am going to try even though its very hard to write about the events that have transformed this nation yesterday. I started the day as usual. It was a Tuesday and it was going to be the first day of the semester for me. I prepared my lunch and dinner as my class would last until 10:45PM that night. I had awoken originally at 5 in the morning feeling sick with cramps. It was most unusual. I never get menstrual cramps let alone enough to wake and keep me up. I of course had no idea that it was just the beginning of a more than unusual day.
I dropped my son, Anthony, off at school and went back home to eat a bite of breakfast and off I was to work. At about 8:50 in the morning they started reporting that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. I of course thought of the terrorist attack in ’93 but I thought this was just a horrible accident. I arrived at work at 9 and as I walked in the door I heard some people saying it was a terrorist attack. I thought that it was extremely foolish of them to spout off at the mouth like that. Rumor-mongers of course. I got to my desk and turned on the computer hoping to get onto cnn.com and find out what was going on. I saw my co-worker, Gabriele who came to introduce a new intern to me and asked if she had heard that a plane had crashed into the WTC. We tried to get online but it was no use – the server was flooded. A few minutes later, Gabriele called me and told me that they had the TV on in a conference room. I walked right over and was astonished to see the top of one of the towers in flames. A few minutes later they showed that a second plane had crashed into the other tower. There was no doubt it was a terrorist attack. Almost in rapid succession they showed that the Pentagon also had a plane crash into it. And then a plane was hijacked and crashed in Pennsylvania. Everyone just stared at the TV all our eyes saying the same thing – I don’t believe this is happening.
I went back to my desk to call someone, anyone. I tried my husband, James and my mother then my brother and did not get any answers. I wondered where exactly does my aunt work? I put on the streaming video on my computer and again, incredulous, watched at one of the towers completely collapsed. The VP started to walk around and tell people to go home. I had already made up my mind to leave anyway. They were closing the Mexican and Canadian borders. All roads into Manhattan were closed. All flights were grounded. What else was going to happen? Where else were they going to attack? My only thoughts then were getting Anthony and going home. I was scared and in shock. Perhaps a little irrational but I just wanted to be home. As I was leaving the building I came upon a co-worker. Without a word we grabbed each other and hugged. We didn’t say a word but pain I believe were in both our eyes. I told him that I had to go get my son and I left. As I drove home and listened to the madness on the radio I started crying. I couldn’t believe my ears and what I had seen with my eyes. As I got closer to home I felt a slight panic rise. I had to get Anthony. Impatiently I marched into the school relieved that everything seemed normal. Children were eating and talking oblivious that anything was going on. I waited to get the attention of someone to call Anthony down. Finally they did. I signed him out. I left blank the reason. What was I to put? National tragedy? I looked around for him not able to stay in the office and wait for him. I wished I knew where his locker was. I finally saw him. My relief overwhelmed me. “Anthony,” I called out. As soon as I saw him I started crying. I shocked the poor kid. He looked at me, nervous.
“What’s the matter?"
“Haven’t you heard?"
“What?", he looked panicked
“Terrorist are bombing the country, it’s awful, let’s go home."
Relief flooded his face. Just that. Nobody he knows died. I felt guilty for giving him a moment of fear. But I couldn’t help myself. Seeing him made everything real, and everything okay in a way. Anthony was there, okay, alive. It was the unknown thousands now that would haunt me. He had heard that a plane hit the WTC, not that terrorist were involved. We went home listening to the radio. On the corner, our neighbor had the flag up and a sign declaring” God Bless the innocent. All other will get there’s”. I smiled to myself. Damn right they will. I rushed into the house wishing I knew, damn it, where the TV antenna was. I called Jim again. No cell calls were going through. I called security and asked them to let him know I was home. He called soon thereafter. I found the antenna and turned on ABC – the only station to be broadcasting. They had a back-up antenna on the Empire State Building – all the others were on the WTC. I watched, and watched for hours. Horrified over and over. The other tower collapsed. It couldn’t be. The towers couldn’t be gone, just like that. They showed explicit video of the second plane crashing into the tower. It looked like a movie – unreal, unbelievable. James called – he was coming home. It seemed to take forever. I put the American flag up outside our house. Annoyed that my other neighbors hadn’t (and still haven’t for some reason). Ours is at half mast today like all others in the nation.
I watched a person jump from high up on one of the towers – why, desperation, fear, because there was no other way out? Then the worst – Palestinian children clapping and laughing and waving their flag. I was sick and filled with hatred. I never before wanted to harm a child but then I wanted to beat them. Those brain-washed little fucking bastards. Never in my mind can I ever imagine myself celebrating the deaths of the innocent no matter where they were from. Unbelievably after a few hours I fell asleep. I was so tired. I woke a little after 5PM. The same images replayed again and again. The plane, the person jumping, the flames, the smoke, the wreckage, people walking covered with ash, the cars burned out. The images of war – in NYC! A day that I never really believed could happen had happened. Mere miles from my home. A nation changed. Forever.
I will write more about my feeling tomorrow. Enough for tonight. Too much.
September 14, 2001 9:00PM
The flags are out! Everywhere you go. Almost every house. On a multitude of cars. The American flag waves proud and defiant! Tonight, after the president declared a national day of mourning, everywhere on porch steps are candles burning in remembrance. The world mourns. And I am deeply warmed by it. In the papers and on the internet I read words of sorrow and sorry from people from every nation who feel with America. The British have The Star-Spangled Banner played at the changing of the guards. Germany and many other countries have moments of silence. It makes me feel thankfully that we are not alone and that many people in other countries feel that we have been so wronged. Now hopefully when the time comes for payback, other countries, especially Europe will not forget and will stand by us as we fight and destroy terrorism forever. And I hope we do it. As the Israelis say “Never Again!”
Last night laying in bed, James and I listened to stories of families that are changed forever. Husbands who are never coming home. Both of us crying and holding on to each other. My emotions are hard to describe. I listen on the radio and see the flags and am overcome with sadness, anger, pride, defiance. I know America will prevail. I know we as a people have been forever changed. And perversely this has brought us together in ways we have never imagined. I hear on all the radios “America, THE greatest country in the WORLD!” People of all colors remembering that we are all in this together. That the petty differences we have are nothing to what keeps us together. We are all Americans and will fight a common enemy together. I can only hope that we all remember this and keep this feeling as time passes.
The day after, I dragged myself to work. We had a delayed opening but I showed up at 9AM. I just didn’t feel like sitting at home. I (and everyone I encountered) were and still are in shock. Disbelief. Looking at a skyline changed. The Pentagon hit! The audaciousness. The cowardliness. Slowly trying to regain normalcy.
I have always loved my country, with all its flaws, but now I feel super-patriotic. We are a great nation. We are a great people. Strong, resilient. Never is there a doubt in my mind that we will overcome this and be better for it. Everyone banding together, volunteering time, blood, resources. So much that people are turned away. There is just too much. Things that you just do not see in those other plagued countries. This is why I feel America is great. Those down-trodden scumbags, jealous of what we have materially, could never imagine the togetherness that we have. A people made stronger. They thought they could get us emotionally, materially. But the joke is WAY on them! We have taken a blow, yes. But look how wonderfully we have overcome this!
Their day will come. Osama bin Laden will pay, the countries that protect him will pay and then they can go and be with their false god to spend eternity in damnation.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
September 16, 2001
My mother called to tell me that my uncle, Special Agent Leonard Hatton, had died in the WTC. I couldn't believe it. What was he doing there? I wasn't even thinking of him because I knew he didn't work near there. He was an FBI agent and going to work in Manhattan that morning he heard what was happening and rushed to the WTC to help. He leaves behind 4 children. I told my son how he died. He said "He really is a hero." Yes, he is. Like so many that went there to help and perished. I pray there is a God that takes care of these people especially. I am in shock. How can I not be?
August 2, 2002
Almost a year later. Hard to believe. It still has not totally sunk into my head. A year ago. Will I be an old woman recanting the story to my grandchildren? I truly hope that September 11th was it. That this was the defining moment for a generation. That we stopped terrorism forever.
Recently my son found a video tape that is a few years old. I knew what was on it. My husband and I had taken a blimp ride around Manhattan. We flew over the Statue of Liberty and flew next to the Towers. They were that tall. Buildings that have been around my entire life (I'm 31) and one day they're gone. I still can't believe it on some level.
What has changed? I decided to go for what I have always wanted. My career in business has come to an end. I am looking forward to earning a Ph.D and teaching. I'm trying. Dramatic as it sounds, September 11th made me reassess my life. Was I happy at work? Was I fulfilled? No. September 11th showed how fleeting our lives are. I went for it. I'm still working on it but I have confidence that I will achieve what I want.
A few months ago I was driving and witnessed a deplorable show of "road rage". A person was making a left turn and there was quite a few cars oncoming. So it was taking her awhile. The idiot behind her was blasting his car horn. Yelling and screaming at the driver. If not for the amount of cars in the road I would have jumped out of my car. I wanted to yell, "Remember September 11th? Does this really matter?"
Have we learned anything? Have we forgotten? I hope not. The first year anniversary is upon us. Remember. And act.
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