Update: February 28, 2003. 106 days. Still going strong.
My journey about smoking. I quit 50 days ago today (Jan 3, 2003). I thought it time to post what I have written up to this point. Also links to EXTREMELY effective sites.
How it all started is pretty much detailed in my journal entries below but for a brief overview:
In September of 1999, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. At the time she was all of 48 years old. She tried her first cigarette at about 11 years old and was a full blown smoker by 14. So she smoked for about 35 years before getting cancer. She also was (and still is, more on this later) a pretty heavy smoker. At least 2 packs a day of Kools (heavily mentholated cigs). From when I was little, the major image I had of her was with a cigarette in her mouth. ALWAYS. She, dammit, always had to smoke. Also the cough. That also is just how I think of her and remember her when I was a kid. She has always had this hacking cough. Call on the phone: "Hi hon, HACK, ACKK HUHMM, excuse me, how's it going?" I wish I was exaggerating, but every conversation with her begins like that.
Well, I was not surprised when she got lung cancer. Though she was. I had to not so subtly remind her that it was her non-stop smoking that caused her cancer, not her genes (which is what she was blaming it on). She told me then, "Well you never think it will happen to you." I told her, no, I am a realist. I KNOW it can happen to me.
BUT still I did not quit. I told myself, well I'm not a heavy smoker, it's just a few cigs a day, I have many years before this will get me. Well what can I say? The water levels in that river in Africa must have been REAL low, cause the denial in my house was flooding!
After that I tried half heartedly to quit. I did it cold turkey and got really sick. Dizzy, nauseated, overall felt like crap. I started smoking again because I WAS MUCH TOO BUSY NOT TO! Grad school, work, the kid, husband. I did not have time for withdrawal!
Then I kept putting it off. I was overweight at the time (another story I'll have to detail at a later date) and I kept telling myself. When I get to that weight I'll quit. Then I got to that weight and it was another 10 lbs, then another. And while I'm losing weight, I'm exercising up a storm, I'm eating healthy BUT I'm still smoking. I'm a closet smoker. Only those close to me knew I smoked. During this time, the cancer spreads to my mother's brain. She undergoes chemo and radiation AGAIN. The first time, she lost her hair and the radiation scarred her throat. She had a very difficult time eating or drinking and had to have a shunt surgically put into her neck to make it easier to deliver the chemo and take her blood, etc. It looks gross sticking out of her neck like a Frankenstein bolt made even more pronounced by her weight lose.
BUT STILL SHE SMOKED. After round 1 of chemo and radiation (and lung surgery and the hair loss, and the vomiting, etc. etc. ad infinitum), she had to undergo brain surgery and round 2 of chemo and radiation. AND STILL SHE SMOKED. Then the cancer went to her back. And she went through round 3 of radiation and hair loss (but not chemo, she refused). AND STILL SHE SMOKES! She has truly beaten the odds surviving this long (three years so far) but she is a shell of her former self. Oh yeah, she also has emphysema. Woo-Hoo this smoking is sure fun!
I continued smoking. My brother quit shortly after our mother's diagnosis but he gained over 40 lbs! Oh My God! How could I quit? I mean I might get fat again! Then one day it just really hit me. I DO NOT want to smoke. Most of it stemmed from spending the day with my mother and REALLY noticing how she smoked. It grossed me out. All she friggin' did was smoke. It always made me mad the way she HAD to have a cigarette but I just saw how pathetic smoking is. We were heading to lunch and she, of course, had to stop and buy more cigs (can never be without at least one pack in reserve) and she went into the store and I glanced up at the sign advertising cigarettes. It read: 3 packs for $14.75! Like this was such a bargain! I felt sick to my stomach. We were living poor with me recently having quit my job to start a new career (still in process but getting there) and as both my husband and I smoked we were spending quite a bit on sick-a-rettes but of course we were always so damn broke. Why was that?
I woke up the next day. Went on line and found a wonderful site that I had heard about, quitnet. I joined, set a quit date 6 days in the future and then quit. November 14, 2002. I have not looked back. I enjoy my non-smoking status so much now. I regret, very deeply, that I spent about 18 years of my life smoking (and having started at 14 and quit at 31, well do the math, I spent more years of my life as a smoker than not, pathetic).
So there you have it. My not so brief story! My journey is detailed below, but before you go, please visit these other sites if you smoke or think about starting. It will help you quit or never to start. If you smoke -- QUIT NOW! Trust me it really does get easier and you will LOVE IT! And of course, if you don't smoke, don't start. Don't even try.
Try these links:
1/3/03 Tweener I am! Everyday it gets easier. Everyday I get more and more use to being a "non" (not never) smoker. Been through a small amount of stress that triggers a crave BUT nowhere near to even thinking about lighting up. And now, what a snob I am! Walked past someone smoking outside a store and 1) got disgusted 2) actually coughed.
Do I want to go back to that shit? No way! Though I do not agree totally with the guy who authors the whyquit website (he advocates cold turkey for all quitters) he does have some extremely powerful pictures and stories of smokers. Some died VERY young, one underwent complete removal of her lung. I admire totally these people (most who are dead now) for sharing their story. Anytime I ever get a craving I picture the guy who died at 33 with lung cancer gaunt, emaciated and dead within 2 months of diagnosis. That WILL NOT be me.
12/14/02 Here I am. One whole month without a smoke. Though I have logged onto the Q almost everyday since my quit, I really looked forward to seeing my name under 30 days today. Most of the people who started with me are still here, which is real good.
Now the bad part is, sometimes I still want one. Just briefly, but it's still there. I honestly can see what an addict I was and how I am just a recovering addict. It's still there, the urge. Not overwhelming, certainly not nearly enough for me to want to buy a pack, but still there. Sometimes I have to remind myself how good I feel, how happy I am as a non-smoker and what a waste smoking has been. I browse a website that someone posted here on emphysema and reading those people's stories really, really makes the cravings go away.
My next milestone is tweener in 20 days. Every day in every way its getting better and better. My first smoke-free Christmas coming up!
12/9/02 Been off the patch for a few days now. I didn't even finish the 7 day box I bought. So now I am completely nicotine free! The first 2 days off the patch, I did feel slightly more cranky and slightly more craving. But that's over with now. I'm very glad to be off of nicotine in all forms. Now I truly am saving money!
I went to a "punk-rock" concert this weekend (The Misfits). My husband and son are fans (I like them okay but I'm not a real punker). Anyway the entire "concert hall" was hot and smokey. I really didn't feel good. I had to go by an outside door and stay there to breath. Did not want to smoke AT ALL.
I am finding that as time goes on the true times I have a desire to smoke are when I get upset, scared or anxious for any reason. Mad at my husband or son, driving in the recent snowstorm, trying to find a full-time job. These are the times I want to smoke. Most of the time I am fine.
After reading over and over how many people relapse even after many, many years, is very scary. I see that to stay smoke-free I must be vigilant for the rest of my life.
The benefits so far: my exercising has gotten soooo much better. More energetic. My resting heart-rate has dropped (to 60 BPM) as a smoker but a regular exerciser my RHR was 80. I can feel that I have more energy. My breathing is better. My heart-rate recovery is sooooo much faster after exercising thatn when I smoked. Every time I think about a cig, I keep these things in mind.
I find it hard to believe but a 5 short days it will be 1 month!
12/1/02 Another smoking dream! Took just one puff last night and was soooo mad at myself. These dreams are really annoying me. Plus, since my quit, I have drank alot more water and green tea (decaf at night). The end result is I wind up getting up at least twice a night. Then I wake up in the morning tired.
Stepped down to 7mg patch today. Feel just fine. See how the rest of the week goes. If I feel well, I won't wear it anymore. I started 2 weeks ago on 14 mg and now discover that the 7mg is the same price and smaller. No wonder people buy the larger dose and cut them in half! If I planned to be using the patch for awhile, I would also.
Still think, sometimes a smoke would be real nice. But I tell myself to stop kidding myself -- the whole addiction was nasty.
11/30/02 I wonder how many years it takes to truly be separated from smoking. I no longer feel any great urge to smoke but sometimes I have to remind myself that I no longer smoke. That annoys me. For example, I get up in the morning and for a split second wonder -- where are my cigs? Go sit at my computer and again think about having a smoke. The urge to really have one is not there but the thought still is.
I have been surprised at the amount of people who are/were closet smokers. I thought I was the only one! Many, many people had/have no idea that I smoked. Well now I no longer have to hide it! Cause I don't!
11/28/02 Thanksgiving at my Uncle's house. Nobody but my mother smokes -- so no problem. In fact, how pathetic she looked getting up and putting a coat on to smoke outside in the freezing cold! Since I was a light smoker, I probably wouldn't have gone to have a smoke anyway BUT still felt good about myself. Both my Aunt and Uncle smoked, so we chatted a bit about quitting. Both have been quit about 30 years! So they truly are elders! I found out my grandmother was a way worse smoker than my mom. I don't remember that, she died when I was 8. But not from cancer - she had many, many heart problems. My uncle told me that even when she was in the hospital (after a heart attack), she would insist on leaving her bed to smoke. Pathetic! Smoking is gross and demeaning and PATHETIC! I use to be one of them, not ever again. Anytime I feel the urge, I put those images in my mind. My grandmother needed to smoke after a heart attack, my mother smoking and going out into the cold after lung, brain and back cancer! Not me, never again.
BTW, why is it almost every night I have dreams about smoking? When will this end? Last night it was about my husband again. He had bought 5 packs. I was so mad. I gathered up the packs and ripped them apart with my bare hands. I'm going to wear the 7mg patch next week and see how I do. I want to get rid of the patch and soon. I think they are making my dreams more vivid. But to take it off at night and put one on in the morning makes me dizzy.
2 weeks. Seems like yesterday and a long time ago. Can't wait for 1 month!
11/25/02 Tomorrow's my B-day! The first since I was 14? to not be smoking. Amazing! Every day is getting better. After this week I am going to see if I can "step-down" to the 7mg patch. Last night I had another smoking dream! It was so vivid and detailed! My husband got laid-off (forbid!) and bought a pack. I was so upset, I grabbed one and started puffing. It burned my throat, it tasted awful and I was consumed with guilt! Weird. So my Freudian interpretation -- still have the nicodemon on my back, still have a knee-jerk reaction to smoke when stressed, and perhaps, unconsciously, knowing it will taste real bad.
I really dislike the patch. It continually falls off and I am not a greasy person! Today it fell off and I didn't even notice untill I saw my dog chewing it! Stupid mutt. Well she didn't bounce off the wall or anything so she's alright!
11/21/02 Tonight will be 7 full days. A whole week without a puff! I'm feeling good about myself and I keep trying to tell myself that I do not smoke. I am a non-smoker. Sitting at my computer and having things to get done is making me want a puff. My mind keeps saying -- Just One, Just One! Last night I had MORE dreams about smoking. It seems that every night I have dreamt about lighting up. In last night's dream, my mother (of all people) was trying to get me to smoke. What does that mean? I didn't even tell her yet that I quit. (In fact just my husband and son know). I've watched my husband snack a lot. So if he winds up not gaining any weight and I do! I keep my mouth busy by chewing huge amounts of gum. All day until just until I go to sleep, there is gum in my mouth. It helps me from eating -- that's for sure!
The patch is really bothering me. It keeps falling off. Oh yeah right -- just put a new one on! Like they are that cheap that I can easily throw one out that I had on for all of 1 hour! I put band-aids on the help it stay on and it is itching me like no tomorrow. I stuck it on under my bra hoping that that will help keep it down. The adhesive really sucks! I know they need to make it comfortable, but come on! Make it stick!
11/19/02 Oh Boy. Hanging in there. Really wishing the desire to smoke would stop. How long does it take to break this desire? Weeks? Months? Years? My aunt once told me that for years after she smoked she would think about them. GREAT! Got a little anxious today and JUST WANTED ONE! Had to calm down and tell myself that this is something that I have to get used to. Anxiety without smoking. Spoke on the phone with my friend and didn't even think about lighting up! This is a good thing. Looking forward to the first real milestone soon, which is one week. 2 more days and I have survived the longest without a cig in at least a decade!
11/16/02 Day 2 and feeling dizzy. Wacky. Why? So far the cravings are reduced. Got up this morning to read my paper, a time I usually first light up and relax. I felt a tad empty without one but came through the craving. Later on I went to exercise and took the patch off because it was time to put a new one on but I decided to wait until I finished exercising before putting a new one on. Halfway through my exercising, I became slightly dizzy. I put the patch on after I finished but I have spent to entire day feeling out of it. I really don't like this feeling. It's just enough to make me feel blah but not enough to make me want to start again. I keep telling myself that this is just temporary and I will be so much better off after I get through this. Overall it has actually been better than I thought it would be. This physical withdrawal sucks but the psychological is very manageable. I am now at 48 hours since having a smoke. The longest since??? Well as long as I can remember!
BTW, kept the patch on during the night and did have some very weird dreams. My husband also. But I slept all the way through and the dreams were not horrific so I'll keep the patch on. I also am not taking it off to exercise tomorrow. I really don't want to wear the damn thing for 2 months though. I'll play it by ear. After 2 weeks or so, I'll see if I can step down (I started at 14mg instead of the highest since the week before I had cut down alot). And once I'm off this patch is when I can really start seeing money saved!
11/15/02 Well here I am. A non-smoker (or a recovering smoker). Doing not bad. Missing it just a little. The feel of the smoke inhaled. I have a 14 mg patch on and I think it's really helping. No real overwhelming craving. Just along the lines of, "It would be nice to have a smoke right now." I worked out today after work. It was 18 hours after my last smoke. Is it my imagination or was my workout noticeably better? I felt like I had so much energy! I have chewed a lot of gum (and I am sucking on a Jolly Rancher right now) but I have not over ate or noticed an increase in my appetite. I'm looking forward to getting to day 2 (and then day 5, 10, 15, 30 and 30 years!) I read a mantra someone had posted and have been using it. "I am a nicotine addict. I cannot afford to feed my habit, so for today I choose not to smoke." Every time I have felt like I miss the "pull" I repeat that. But I am not climbing up the walls so I take that as a good sign. I am almost at my 24 hour point (which was 9PM on the 14th not 12AM on the 15th). So I am excited. I honestly cannot remotely remember when I have not smoked that long. Tommorow will be somewhat more of a test since I won't have work (and being a teacher makes it very easy to be distracted and not think of smoking).
Last night I had dreams upon dreams of smoking. That's all I remember dreaming about. Getting a cig. What will tonight bring?
Now I am nervous also about my writing. I have some writing to do and this will be the first real creative writing as a non-smoker. Writing has been a huge trigger for me. I can't even estimate how much I smoked while writing. But I will keep the struggle. I have gotten this far and I can go further!
I did a little ritual and took my last pack of cigs (unopened) and stuck it in a tupperware container full of water. Then I froze it. I gave a little speech along the lines that it's time to say goodbye and froze that bastard!
Why I am quitting:
1) My health. I exercise faithfully and am in pretty good shape. How much better will I be without sucking down the nicodemon!
2) My son. He is 13 and ripe to start. Having parents that smoke make it that much easier for him to start. I have involved him in the quit and he has seen how bad and strong this addiction is. I hope he learns from this and has no temptation to start.
3) My Money. After leaving my full-time job this summer (I was sooo miserable there) everything has become a question of money. It is tight. But I want to start my PhD next fall and go for the career I always wanted. This is a good thing. But telling my son, sorry, we can't afford that, is hypocritical when I go out and buy a carton ($40 bucks for the no-name brand) without question every week. I have a lot better things to do with my money.
4) My mother. Watching the horror she has gone through because of cigs is enough. Cancer at 48. A much shortened life span. And still she cannot stop. How the hell does a person go through major operations (the cancer spread to her brain and she had brain surgery to remove it), chemo, radiation, hair falling out twice, sick constantly, can't go anywhere because she's sick, can't work cause she's sick and STILL SHE SMOKES! It grosses me out. And the denial! Right after she was diagnosed with lung cancer, she asked me pitifully "Why is this happening to me? What have I done, what genes caused this?" I told her, "Mom, you've been smoking for almost 40 years. It's not your genes, you asked for this!"
These are my top reasons. Additionally, I want to yellowing crap on my walls, clothes, curtains and house gone! I HATE being an addict. When you know of people who lose everything for an addiction such as alcohol or drugs, I feel pity and anger. Why can't they stop? Well what about me? What makes me any better? Because it's legal? Because my addication will take 40 years to come to fruition? ENOUGH!
It's madness and it has got to stop. It will stop. I have 1 last "ritual" smoke left and then it's over.
11/13/02 1 more day of "smoking" left. I put that is parentheses because today I have had all of 2 cigs. There are 2 full packs left from the 5 I bought to last until tomorrow. So obviously I will have them leftover. Maybe a symbolic ripping apart of the cancer sticks? Whatever I do with them, I am glad that I have not quit cold turkey. Cutting down (drastically) and preparing myself mentally has really, really helped me. So I do not feel as if stopping at this point is such a big leap. This week I have smoked less and less and survived and it has not been that challenging. Both cigs I have had today have made me dizzy and nauseated. A good sign! Every urge that I get passes and as the days have gone by, the urges are getting less strong. I still am keeping Thursday night as my quit date though. I have psyched myself up for then, so I do not want to prempt anything.
I have in my mind the scene in "A Beautiful Mind", where John Nash talks to his delusional friends. He tells his best friend, Charles, that he has been his best friend ever but he cannot talk to him anymore.
This is (rather dramatically) how I see myself and the cigs departing ways. You've been a great crutch. Through many stresses, and pain and fright and anxiety, you have sedated me. But I cannot have you in my life any longer. My life and health are more important that sucking down your tranquilizer.
And the tobacco companies. The ones who went so far out of their way to hook me as a stupid teenager -- You will not be getting my money anymore and you certainly are not getting my life!
Just 2 cigs today (so far probably 1 more) and 2 days until my quit. Feeling stronger, like "I can do this". Keeping active during the day really helps. Today I really didn't think about smoking that much at all. I got up and had 1 before I went to work and then 8 hours later I had another.
I was really jumping around today (literally, I was subbing for gym teacher) and that got me to thinking. Maybe every time I crave a cig I should do something active. Like jumping jacks, etc.
But I was a little more hungry than usual. Still I am writing every morsel that crosses my lips. Hopefully that will help curtail any weight gain.
2 more days until freedom. I was staring at a sign at a gas station yesterday. 3 packs for $14.75. INSANE! F that -- no more! I will be free!
11/11/02 Smoked 4 today. Had some times where I really wanted it but mostly I didn't. Last one I had made me dizzy. My chest feels a little heavy also -- is this because of the small amount I've been giving myself? I stopped smoking in the house today also. So I got up this morning, got ready to go to work, and had 1 ciggy on the way. Since I teach there is no real choice about smoking during the day (which is good, no chance for a cig break).
Feeling more confident. Since I have put in place a reduction and behavior modification BEFORE actually having that last puff this is making it easier on me. 3 more days and fini. I bought 5 packs for my husband and I to share and we still have 3 1/2 left. Normally we'd almost been finished but we both are cutting down before the quit. I'm thinking of what to do with any leftovers. Through away or make them symbolic? Maybe too much tempation if I have any in the house so I'm leaning on tossing.
Counting calories also. Watching and recording everything I eat to make sure I do not over eat. I'm cutting down on the amount of calories so I can try to come out of this without any weight gain. I'm currently in the "healthy range" but on the heavier side so a few pounds will put me over the edge.
My plan: buy the patch (which will keep my metabolism up temporarily anyway), buy sugarless gum, buy mints, buy crunchy stuff - anything to keep my mouth busy. Then all set for the quit!
11/10/02 4 more days until my quit. I am preparing myself. Yesterday I smoked 7 cigs and wrote down the times after making myself wait at least 30 minutes before lighting up. I usually have about 15 cigs a day. I'm thinking about smoking a lot. I even had dreams about it last night. Woke up and waited an hour and 1/2 before lighting up. I am trying to avoid lighting up after the usual "triggers" like after eating. Tomorrow I plan to stop smoking in my house and forcing myself outside to light up. My last smoke will be Thursday night and I will start Friday not smoking.
The price of cigs are now crazy. I was talking with my husband how when I started smoking a pack was under $1. So easy for teenagers to get and afford. I'm glad they cost so much now because I think it helps prevent more kids from starting. My brother (who quit 2 years ago) told me he remembers buying cigs for our mother when he was all of 8 years old! Nobody stopped him.
I have so much anger. At myself for starting this stupid addiction, at the people who just sold me the stuff without question to the evil tobacco companies, who I am so glad have had to pay out of their pockets after all this time of hooking young people. Yes, we know that smoking is bad but when you're a stupid jerk of 14 years old you just want to be cool. How many people start to smoke as an adult? Not many! I am almost 32 years old and have been smoking for 18 years. What damage have I done to my body? I have now smoked longer than not in my life.
Watching my mother battle lung cancer at the ridiculous age of 48 (now she's almost 51) is horrifying -- this can be me soon enough. The cancer (so far) has traveled to her brain and then to her back. It has all gone into remission (a miracle in itself) but let's face it. Her life span is not that much longer. I have too much in my life to give it up for a nasty habit. I look at the curtains in my house covered in yellow-brownish crap. YUCK! I am sooooo sick of this.
I set a quit date for a week ahead of when I finally made the decision to really do something to succeed. I must prepare myself mentally and physically to make sure I beat this thing once and for all!
11/9/02 I can't take it any longer. I have set the date for this Friday. 6 days from now. In those 6 days I will gradually change my habits. Today I waited 1 hour before smoking my morning cig. For the other 2 I have had today, I have made myself wait at least 30 minutes before lighting up. I am petrified of gaining weight. They say smoking speeds up your metabolism -- well if that is the case what will it be after quitting? It already sucks now and I exercise 1 hour each and every day without fail. Plus my writing. When I did my master's thesis, I lit one up after another. I always chain smoke when writing. Cigs have been my friend for way too long. I will miss them but I must say goodbye.
My mother (who has lung cancer and got it at age 48) is a serious addict. The other day I watched her smoke 2 cigs in 10 minutes. We went to IHOP for lunch. She smokes on the way, stops at the store for more, smokes in the restaurant, lights up after eating, smokes when we get back to her apt. It disgusts me. During her 6 cigs, I had 1. I hate the habit and watching a disgustingly addicted person smoke makes me sick. I am not that bad BUT still I smoke. It disgusts me, half the time it doesn't bring me pleasure but STILL I smoke.
I am preparing myself. I will buy 5 packs to split with my husband (who is doing this with me) and the patch, which I have never tried. I am better than this. I WILL be a non-smoker.
Updated January 3, 2002
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