10 Reasons to Become a Teacher

1. Big Bucks!
2. Know all the answers on the test
3. Never a stressful moment
4. Practice pedagogy without fear of arrest
5. Free apples!
6. Massive funding for classroom supplies
7. Joyfully implement wise policies of marvelous administrators, earning thanks of a grateful nation
8. Discipline tomorrows U.S. leaders today
9. Spend leisurely summer in intensive therapy attempting to recover strength for new term
10. Might have to work for a living otherwise

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
You have no time for a life between August to June.
Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be able to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the lounge.
You believe in aerial spraying of prozac.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school setting for at least 5 years.
You've had your profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job.
You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you uttered it.
You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when they say, "Oh, you must have such fun everyday. It must be like playtime for you."
Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this child like this?"

1. Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
2. The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
3. The Crack House at Pooh Corner
4. The Dummy's Guide to Crying
5. When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
6. Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
7. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
8. Alice in WonderBraLand
9. 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
10. The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away
11. Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
12. The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
13. Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
14. Furious George Delivers the Mail
15. The Legend of Three-Card Monte
16. You Were an Accident
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
19. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
20. Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear
21. Some Kittens Can Fly!
22. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
23. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
24. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
25. All Dogs Go to Hell
26. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
27. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
28. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
29. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
30. Bi-Curious George
31. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
32. Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
33. You Are Different and That's Bad
34. Dad's New Wife Timothy
35. Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
36. Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
37. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
38. Babar Meets the Taxidermist
39. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
40. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
41. Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
42. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
43. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead

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