HOME MESSAGES
"You have reached (number) ... Please leave your number and message at the tone and I'll get back to you" ... is old hat, forget it, get with the times. Buddy says ya gotta be "kewl" ... try these, or make up your own:
- "Are we here?"
(the whispered voice answers back)
"No uh... we're not home right now, tell them to leave a message."
"Sorry, you'll have to leave a message when you hear the beep." - "Hello" ... (brief pause)
"Hold on a minute" - (in a whisper, as if to someone else in the room)
A is for academics, B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message. - Hello, this is Pam's microwave.
Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck.
So guess what, I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Hey listen, I can cook anything you want while you leave your message. Just hold it up to the phone; I'll take care of it. - Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub.
And also, their carpets are clean, so that's out.
They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and number.
I'm sure they'll get back to you. - Hello, you've reached the Smiths.
Sorry we can't pick up the phone right now because (hesitant pause)
Because we're doing something we really enjoy.
My wife likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right.
I like doing it real slowly, but that's personal preference.
So leave a message.
And when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. - Hello.
I am Chad's answering machine.
What are you? - Hello? (short pause)
Hellooo? (waits again)
Helloooo - Who is this? (after a final short pause)
Well, whatever, I'm not home anyway, so please leave a message after the beep. - Hi. This is not an answering machine
This is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling.
Now think about a number where I can reach you.
Good, now I'll think about returning your call. - Hi. Joan's answering machine is broken.
This is her refrigerator.
Please speak very clearly and very slowly.
And I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. - Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. - Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where.
So please leave a message after you know what. - Hi, you know the routine ... I'm not in, so do your thing.
- Hi, you've reached Jan's answering machine.
Jan isn't home right now, but whatever you have to say to her, you can tell me.
We're VERY close and we tell each other everything. - Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. - Hi. I'm not home right now but my answering machine is.
So you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. - Hi. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
- Hi. Now you say something.
- Hi. Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent, you have the right to hang up.
But know that everything you say will be recorded
And it will be used by us to make trouble for you.
More trouble for you than you could ever imagine. - Hi, this is Harold.
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. - I can't come to the phone now, so if ... well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now but, I mean like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like I won't be here later when YOU'RE listening to this .. I mean, like, wait, gosh, this is so confusing ... (Haaarrooold, please, ya gotta help me out).
- If you are a burglar - then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
- Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)
Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off.
(sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet)
(then the sound of the person running back)
OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this?
Well, Hi ... uh huh ... yeah ...
(wait for a few seconds so the person calling will keep talking)
Well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back. - The number you have dialed, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 is no longer in service.
The new number is 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 (exact same number).
(try using a voice that sounds like the phone company) - This is not an answering machine.
This is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling.
Think a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. - You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice.
It will be used for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There will be no charge for this initial consultation.
However we have a staff of professional extortionists who will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone ... Thank you. - You're growing tired.
Your eyelids are getting heavy.
You feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.
When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message ... Upon hanging up, you'll forget you made the call. - You've reached the home of the greatest psychic on earth.
No need for you to say anything.
I already know who you are and why you've called.
Please hang up after the beep tone.
MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINEHello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
- If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
- If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
And again friends, we return to ... Our Navigator ... this is the answering machine.
... Answering Machine Messages ...