... Before Tying the Knot ...

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Time magazine, February 23, 2000 ... (which I happily read in the dentist's office), tells of this girl who had walked down the aisle so many times that she refereed to her many ex-husbands not by name but by number ... It tells that when she talked about her various marriages it sounded as if she was ordering from a Chinese menu. Now happily married for the fourth (and final) time, she says she might have found herself a hobby other than marriage if only she and husbands One, Two and Three had settled some very basic issues before saying "I do."

Engagements go on and on ... rings being hidden in boxes of chocolates, declarations of love written across the sky and hope will triumph over experience. But engaged couples can be obnoxiously demographic. So preparing for the wedding, they go on endlessly about place settings and where to seat Uncle Bud at the reception, while ignoring the most important aspects of their future: family, friends and finances.

Unfortunately, the marriages that result from these happy engagements have only a 1 in 2 chance of lasting. Couples can possibly increase their odds for a successful marriage, however, by doing something fairly simple. Before they tie the knot, they can interview for the position.

Todd Outcalt, author of "Before You Say I Do" ... believes that marrying couples need to sit down and more or less conduct serious job interviews. This idea, while unromantic, is a great way to answer every couple's most basic question: What do we want our future to be? Outcalt suggests that prospective wives and husbands separately write down questions ... listen carefully for the answers and prepare themselves for some surprises.

The Questions

First, very important, ask about children ... Do you want them? When? How many? Would you consider adoption? How would you rear and discipline children? And this should lead to questions about your intended's upbringing. How would you describe your childhood? Your parents? Siblings? Your parents' marriage? What would you do differently?

Continue by asking your future spouse about finances. How much do you earn (and save) a year? How much do you owe? What are your financial goals and retirement plans? Who do you think should handle the money? How much money do you expect me to make? Will one of us be the breadwinner? ... Couples should ask each other about relationships, especially attitudes toward previous lovers or spouses. So for example, a future spouse who hates all the exes should raise red flags. Ask about attitudes toward friendship, love and fidelity ... (Note: "You complete me" isn't an answer.) Religion, sex and politics should be similarly explored in depth.

Prospective spouses should also listen to their soul mate's friends and family. I remember a girl who was rushing into marriage, and she asked me ... "What would you do if all your friends said your marriage was a really bad idea?" I plainly said, "I would listen." She didn't, and now she has an ex-husband to show for it.

Couples can wrap up their interviews by asking an open-ended question such as "Do you have any secrets you ought to share with me?" This same "much married girl," ended a very brief marriage when she sadly learned that husband Three was still married to his "previous" wife. "Why didn't you tell me?" she raged ... He replied,

"Because you never asked."

What is your opinion? ... ... I'd sure like to know.

And should you be thinking of answering personal adds,
here are some insights into what words mean:

FIRST THE WORDS USED BY WOMEN

    40-ish
    Adventurer
    Athletic
    Average looking
    Beautiful
    Contagious smile
    Educated
    Emotionally secure
    Feminist
    Free spirit
    Friendship first
    Fun
    Gentle
    Good listener
    Old-fashioned
    Open-minded
    Outgoing
    Passionate
    Poet
    Professional
    Redhead
    Reubenesque
    Romantic
    Voluptuous
    Weight proportional to height
    Wants soulmate
    Widow
    Young at heart
    48
    Has had more partners than you ever will
    Flat-chested
    Ugly
    Pathological liar
    Bring your penicillin
    College dropout
    Medicated
    Fat; ball buster
    Substance user
    Trying to live down reputation as slut
    Annoying
    Comatose
    Borderline autistic
    Lights out, missionary position only
    Desperate
    Loud
    Very loud
    Depressive schzophrenic
    Real bitch
    Shops the Clairol section
    Grossly fat
    Looks better by candle light
    Very fat
    Hugely fat
    One step away from stalking
    Nagged first husband to death
    Toothless crone

AND LEST WE FORGET THE MEN

    40-ish
    Athletic
    Average looking
    Educated
    Free spirit
    Friendship first
    Fun
    Good looking
    Honest
    Huggable
    Like to cuddle
    Mature
    Open-minded
    Physically fit
    Poet
    Spiritual
    Stable
    Thoughtful

    52 and looking for a 25 year old
    Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
    Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
    Will always treat you like an idiot
    Sleeps with your sister
    As long as friendship involves nudity
    Good with a remote and a six pack
    Arrogant
    Pathological liar
    Overweight, more body hair than a bear
    Insecure, overly dependent
    Until you get to know him
    Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
    I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
    Has written on a bathroom stall
    Once went to church with his grandma on Easter Sunday
    Occasional stalker, but never arrested
    Says "Please" when demanding a beer

And again, we return to ... Our Navigator ... our journey isn't over
This page was a knot-tying suggestion, and a personal-column warning.

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