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Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering mail, a message, or a package ... because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me ... You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck ... If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am very well aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips ... Now please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. And still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue ... therefore I propose this compromise ... You may come to the door with your underwear showing ... and your pants ten sizes too big ... and I will not object ... However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my dear daughter, I am taking my electric nail gun and fastening your trousers securely in place to your waist ... I'm only doing this for you, no other reason.
Rule Four: I am sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you ... Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, computers, and other issues of the day ... Please do not do this ... The only real information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house ... and the only word I need from you on this subject is ... "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are one popular fellow ... with many opportunities to date other girls ... This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter ... Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl ... you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you ... If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget ... If you want to be on time for some movie, you should not be dating ... My daughter is putting on her makeup ... a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge ... So instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: Now the following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter ... Places where there are beds, recliners, sofas, carpets, rugs, mats ... or anything softer than a wooden stool ... Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight ... Places where there is darkness ... Places where there is dancing, holding hands, happiness, or smiling ... And places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff, T-shirts; actually anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat ... Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided ... movies which features chain saws are okay ... Hockey games are okay ... Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me ... I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been ... But on issues relating to my daughter ... I am the all-knowing, merciless G-d of your universe ... So if I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth ... I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house ... Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Rule 10 is to forget the whole idea; just knock it out of your head. You never were the right guy, you aren't the right guy, and in ten lifetimes you'll never be the right guy for my daughter.
Listen, why don't you surf ... Buddy's website ... That'll help you kill time.
Do yourself a favor; be smart ... and be happy I let you live.