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An exact replica of a letter a daughter wrote to her parents from college:

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down. I repeat, please, YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN.

All right now; this is not easy to write about. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture, and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump, were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm.

Now about this attendant, he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him and his three buddies. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents. I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.

Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I am told that his father is an important weapons dealer in the village in Africa from which he came.

After college, and until he finds some decent job, we'll be using my old bedroom. We aren't asking for a large wedding; in fact, maybe just something for the immediate family in front of some judge. Maybe just you, dad, grandma and grandpa, and whatever family he has that can get steerage from Africa. Don't worry about them; they will be happy just to stay in our basement.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant and I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life ... nobody is coming from Africa.

However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I just wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your Loving Daughter