The Five-Minute University ... Recommend There was a priest skit in the early days of "Saturday Night Live" ... I recall the Father Saducci's monologue; here’s a takeoff on it:
If I were to open a college in this modern day, I'd call it the - "Five-Minute University" ... where in five minutes you learn what the average college graduate remembers after five years after graduation.
In economics, all you have to know is: "Supply and Demand" ... and in the Five-Minute School of Business Administration you learn to say, "Buy low and sell high" ... that's all you have to know for market success, and everyone knows you went to college. PhD degrees go to those who understand the razor and razor blade law: The law of the razor and the razor blades is that as a manufacturer, you supply a product at a very attractive low price, and then sell the supplies at nice, expensive margins to increase your profits. Understanding that gives you that advanced degree because there are some mighty big words in that law. In my Theology Department, we will teach you how to ask the question, "Where is G-d?" ... and then you say, "G-d is everywhere." That’s all, just say, "G-d is everywhere." If you practice that now, you might even be exempt from the course; I'm sure I can get a waiver for you. And people will begin to talk about you as being very educated. In our Law School will take another minute, you get the law degree by knowing how to say, "I think we can sue." Suing is a very important part of having a law practice. You won't even have to practice much and you can make tons of money. This can even lead to a medical degree where we require a little more more learning; you learn to say: "Do you have insurance?" and "How much insurance?" and "Sorry, you have to pay up front." Just think of how much time you'll save with my Five-Minute University. If you major in Literature, you’ll have to memorize the following: "To be or not to be, that is the question" (forget the answer), and then you say, sounding very smart and say it slowly, like he’s a friend of yours: "William Shakespeare." He gave us the question but never the answer. You can try to figure it out yourself; I'm a dean in this university and don't have time for such foolishness. Anyway, just asking the question will make all know you went to college. Majoring in Mathematics, as expected, is infinitely more difficult. But in this university, we’ll make it easy for you while you become versed in the most important mathematical concepts. Look at that: infinitely, and mathematical, and concepts (all very important words in mathematics; just reading this you are beginning to sound like a mathematician). The following is all you’ll have to remember: 1) The perimeter of a polygon is the sum of the sides. People are always taking about Pi at dinner tables, so if anyone at your table (or during a baseball game) should ask you what Pi is, you answer as follows: Pi is 3.14 and it goes to infinity; make sure you say infinity, and you are on your way to a master’s degree (that can take another minute or two). It’s easy to major in English; that might even take half a minute (our mathematics majors know that’s 30 seconds) … all you have to be able to say is: "There are nouns, pronouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, articles, and exclamations … that’s all there is in English." If you can remember that adverbs modify verbs, your dinner guests will be doubly impressed with our university. Talking about agreement between subject and verb will put you way ahead of the herd. And isn’t that what college is all about? Science can be more difficult because it is very technical. For example, majoring in Astronomy, you’ll have to remember the following: "The Earth revolves around a tilted axis making day and night and while traveling around the sun, we get the seasons." That’s a lot to remember; better to major in Biology and just remember: "Sex is good." There's always a smartass in the group who is bound to ask you if you like the way the ameba do it (those are squishy little microscopic things). You just smile like you know what ameba are; you know, just look smart. Learning biology can take less than a minute; it's a quickie course.
Finally you would take languages, you might study Spanish, and all you would have to know is how to say "¿Como está?" (how are you?, accent on the "a"), and the answer is "Muy bién." (pronounced "mwee beeyen" and it means "very well"). Forget the silly looking inverted question mark; that’s only how you write it; you don’t have to concern yourself with it; you’ll be talking. Remember, "¿Como está?" and "Muy bién" If you took five years of Spanish, that's all you ever remember after graduation. Nobody will ask you about the grammar (no conjugating of verbs, no declensions of nouns; not important). If you go to a party and your friends want to discuss grammar ... get new friends. Now if you really want to wow them with your Spanish, just let these words come out during a normal conversation; just say, "la vida es sueño" and say it like it naturally belongs there. Your friend asks, "So how’s life?" and you answer, "La vida es sueño" (means "life is a dream"). And the tilde over the "n" means it has a "ny" sound. No, I don’t mean a New York sound; I mean an "n" sound like in the Russian "nyet" – don’t be surprised if you graduate from the Five-Minute university multilingual; you already know some Spanish and Russian. For a translated version of ... La Vida es Sueño ... it's a monologue recited by Segismundo while being detained in a dungeon, by all means, help yourself. This will take you beyond the five minutes alloted to getting your degree. However, it might be worth the extra time; before you know it, you'll be graduated directly into a United Nations interpreter position. Pays well, good medical benefits, and you meet people from all over the world. And all this is a result of attending my Five-Minute University; you can't do better than that. |