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A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
All foam, no beer.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
As smart as bait.
Both oars aren't in the water.
Chimney's clogged.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Has an IQ of 2 when it takes 3 to breath.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
No grain in the silo.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
One taco short of a combo plate.
Receiver is off the hook.Sharp as a marble.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.

1. Does the crew sleep onboard?
2. What time is the midnight buffet?
3. Which elevator takes me to the front of the ship?
4. Do you generate your own electricity?
5. Is this island totally surrounded by water?
6. Is the water in the toilet salt or fresh?
7. What language do they speak in Alaska?
8. What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?
9. How high above sea level are we?
10. How do we know which pictures are ours?
11. Why did they build the glacier so far out of town?
12. What time do they turn on the Northern Lights?
13. What's the exchange rate for US currency?

14. Is this Alaskan walrus made from elephant ivory?
    (This last question was asked in a jewelry store with a display of Alaska native designs. Alaska native ivory work is done in walrus ivory because there are no elephants in Alaska. I suppose it's possible that the tourist didn't know what it was done in, but it seems pretty obvious to me that one thing it would not be done in would be elephant ivory ... not in Alaska)