... Job Application to McDonald's ...

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NAME: (insert your name)

SEX: Not yet. Still looking.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President ... But let's speak seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place, would I?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible, make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle.

LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.

EDUCATION: Yes, but it doesn't seem to be paying off.

LAST SALARY: Way less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, with a half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment and I don't like to get caught doing them at work.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes; substance - I rather not say.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde super model who thinks that I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Who am I kidding, I'd like to be doing that right now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: (insert your name)