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If you think for one moment that the only program to come out of Israel was ICQ (which it was; four Tel Aviv kids in their 20's who sold it to AOL for a healthy 400 Million), let me tell you something Mr. Fancy Shmansy (and I'm shaking my finger at you), you better think again.

Here's a great buy straight out of their kosher kitchen; and would you believe it, it's called, now get this, a DellShalom. I have some news for you, boichik, this baby has all the trimmings with all the works. Mine arrived with the "k" stamp of approval, and should you or a friend be considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

• The cursor moves from right to left.

• It comes with two hard drives, one for fleyshedik (meat)

  business software and one for milchedik (dairy) games.

• Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."

• The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels."

• The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

• After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

• The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

• When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

• The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

• Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

• I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

• Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

• When running Scandisk, it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

• When my PC is working extremely hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"

• There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

• After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."

• Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball chicken soup.
• The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.

• If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."

• When Spellcheck finds an error, it prompts: "Is this the best you can do?"