How to tell if you are over the hill

... How to Tell if You are Over the Hill ...

Naturally I cannot speak from any personal experience in this matter, but I've heard from some "senior citizens" that these are some of the signs:

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People ask you what color your hair used to be.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
The only reason you're still awake at 2 a.m. is indigestion.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You answer a question with "Because I said so."
You use cable mainly for the weather channel.
You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.
You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
You consider coffee one of most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You enjoy watching the news.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You have a dream about prunes.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You have more than 2 pairs of glasses.
You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You only dance to slow music.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You read the obituaries daily.
You send $ to PBS.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You start worrying when your supply of Ben Gay is low.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You think a C.D. is a certificate of deposit.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
Your biggest concern when dancing is falling.
Your car must have four doors.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends; they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're afraid to buy green bananas
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
And finally, you can't remember who sent you this page.

If any of the above apply to you:
You Are Over The Hill

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