now that i'm thinner i have the room to look down and see the past under my feet.
i used to be quite fat. i lived with my parents, as most children do, but we didn't get along. it had been like this as long as i remembered [though i quite liked my maternal grandmother and an uncle on my father's side...]. my father, i think, was quite bitter with having children... i'm sure they made his life a fucking mess... though he knew they'd be a nice thing to have in his old age [see, children are our attempts to make newer version of ourselves with updated software and hardware working with another person who adds their touches to the child as well... and hopefully you get something better than you were so they can get farther in the game... Still, this doesn't prevent jealosy]. so i didn't get along all that well with him and my mother had very little support and she was very confused and things really weren't supposed to be like this...
anyway, my father really wanted his kids to be good in sports... you know: that's important to a Man... i wasn't. i really didn't fucking care about sports: they didn't really appeal to me. they didn't give me a drive. a pride. a feeling of accomplishment: i didn't see the point and it didn't make me feel any better... but my father...
well, enough about him, eh? he wanted me to play sports.. not read or learn or think or anything... so i did... and was rather confused.
i got a nin[gamingsystem] for christmas one year and decided to stop playing sports and stop trying to make friends and just sit around and play games... where i could beat myself all day and could care fuck all about anyone else's opinion..
great, eh? i became a stagnant little monster. i looked at my family... the whole lot of them: round. i note this because i also note that at that time i remember an incident where i got out of the shower and looked down and couldn't see my penis nor my toes over my belly...
indeed i was scared: what the hell had i done to myself?
but then, this was also the time that i started noticing many other things about myself... many many other things about myself.
i started staying at school and skipping lunch to read greek myths... we'd had to read some for some english project in Mrs. Rockwell's class [as i recall] and i loved them. i didn't want to check them out because i had to live up to playing videogames and cutting the grass... being a man and all that wonderful and inspirational drivel.
things moved over time and i met new people. they ripped my mind apart [or, more honestly, their silly teenage rituals, taken much too harsly by my teenage self, gave me the impetus to take everything i had and try and make it better...] i did end up getting into sports: wrestling... philisophical and many other reasons attracted me to that... including some of the people on the team... [bored, then] and a certain teacher i had. a certain teacher i made. a certain teacher i am. things moved.

leaving out a bit of a chunk here and skipping to about now: i had to pick my roommate up from school today; he'd hurt him self whilst riding his bike again [fuctup knee] and asked if i could pick him up... i called the sick line at work to make an excuse and went to retrieve mr. trevis... all uneventful exchanges past: we got back into the apartment; light blinking on the answermachine: message from my father for trevis..."yeah, I know he's at work but could you have him call me as soon as he can at my hotel?" so i gave him a ring.
he told me my aunt [who i grew up with on occasion, spent a good deal of time with her when i could: she taught me how to pour a glass of beer with a small head and helped me in learning how to experience books] was getting worse. she'd been dying slowly, but quicker than the rest of us, for over four months that we knew of. she'd been diagnosed with colon cancer and quit her job as soon as she knew. she, being a strong woman [in desire and action] set about doing what she wanted to do with the remainder of her time until it got overly painful... it now had. My uncle[steve] and aunt[joan] had moved out to Denver colorado when i was about 10 [with all the other things going in my life i lost them too... they were the only relatives, besides my maternalgrandmother, that i really liked] because of a job offer my uncle had found. he'd built it up a bit: moving and installing and maintaining computers for various corporations... and because of the job market there he was able to make quite a bit of money at it. my father had said that the two, knowing i was out in the west, really wanted to see me [i've been around, you know: England and NewYork CITY... told not to waste my life, i don't know how i'm doing here...]. So i call my uncle, right? he asks me to move up there with him and live with him and work for him and and work at a different time than he so i can help joan take care of herself because she's nearly bed-ridden and ... it pays ok.
my father is a great guy. a day before my purposed departure of Indiana forever a woman named Beth decided to think of something other than driving... selective thinking is fine as long as you keep the operations running in the back ground: she didn't. pulled out in front of my car [shite anyway] fuct it. so i. was stuck in indiana again... going fucking crazy and trapped: my good friend took off cuz he needed to attend school and i was left to my own devices shaving my own head and trying to find anything i could with a kid named Jon to keep me fuct so i didn't have to deal with things... eventually i did... as best i could, that is.
ceraandlarryandtrevis,thoughhewasgonethen..mysisterandevenlouis:alltheotherpeopleiknewatthattime...allovthatandgettingfuckedtwice,oncetiedtoacrossandoncewithsomethingthesizeofanarm...somewherealongthewaygettinggentialwartsinsidemyassandcontinuinginthedesperationleadingtoamentalbreakdown
my father found me a car through a friend of his and it had a nice stero so i took it. it also had problems with chips and dashboards and such so i paid for them and got my insurance check from the wreck and prepared to leave town with an overactive sympathetic nervous system and a fear at my back...
fuck, so: skipping up to now.
the car cost a bit over six thousand dollars and my father just said "you owe me" in his special little way. a condition of my going to care for my aunt and help out my unc is that i am no longer in debt to him... oh what a fucking break, eh? but guess what: you get to watch someone die and make some money off it. have fun.
i'm leaving town in two days... i haven't a clue what to do.
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