Playing dead


Okay, I'm going to use this space to honestly explain why I am "in law school". For a quite a while I've been pondering this question. It's a really difficult question to ask oneself- "Why do you want this?" There are so many factors, I can't address them all.

The simplest answer is that I love studying law. It is fascinating. These last couple of months have been really difficult for me- knowing that I could be in school- but am not. I felt hurt when I got denied transfer admission to Cardozo. (The one school to which I applied.) They did not know how much I deserved to be there, how much I appreciated learning, and how much I could stimulate the other students around me. And I couldn't tell them because to articulate these things seemed arrogant to me.

I still know in my heart that I should be there, and not simply because of my intellectual curiousity. I know that I will use all that law school gives me. I will take it in, as water in the desert, as an unexpected gift, and I will give it back threefold. But that is not why they should let me in.

I didn't start out wanting to be a lawyer. In fact, I still do not want to be a traditional lawyer.

I remember as child playing dead. Just lying on the carpet in the middle of my living room, holding my breath, and hoping someone would notice. "Maybe, they'll be worried," I would think, "when they find me." I imagined the terror of seeing their baby lying there. And I would wait. Then I would think, "Okay, they'll know I'm not dead- but maybe they'll think I'm injured. At the very least, they'll wonder why I'm lying here in the middle of the floor holding my breath."

"Notice me!" I said in a silent scream.

My mother or father would then walk into the room. Quick I would hold my breath. They would sit down. Read the paper. Turn on the tv.

Playing dead doesn't work.

When I was 11, I told my father that I wanted to be an actress. Ever the pragmatist, he said "okay, but you're going to have to work hard, if you want to make it." During the following 5 years, I went to acting classes. I auditioned for plays. I read lots of books. Then, at 16, I went off to college.

My first year I was a drama major. This was when I learned that I HATED actors. Most aspiring actors are talentless, stupid, boring, and self-absorbed. I didn't want to be any of those things. (Still don't.) True, I wanted attention badly. But I wanted it because I was smart, subtle, unique. I realized that I was interested in actors only as a part of the process of filmmaking.

Filmmaking, good filmmaking, is subtle. It is not a smash on the head with a giant lizard, or alien ship. I love that when I go into a movie, I don't know what to expect. Perhaps, I know the plot, and maybe a bit of the dialogue, but I don't know the movie. I don't know how it will make me feel. If it will make me feel anything. In the darkness, my mind races, remembers, changes.

Through watching movies, and studying filmmaking, I have realized many things. For instance, if you give 2 writers the same plot, they will not write the same screenplay. If you give the same screenplay to 2 directors, they will not shoot the same movie. Give me a chance, and I will not do what others will do.

There in my film classes, I fell in love with learning and realized how much I enjoyed analysis. I was left trying to find my way from point A (student) to point B (filmmaker). I wanted to make magic. I wanted miracles every day. I expected to part the seas. But subtly, of course.

Instead, I found out that if I didn't either finish my drama classes or find another major, I wouldn't graduate. I deliberated and chose philosophy. It was an exciting choice. Most people wouldn't think this. The average person thinks of philosophy as one of those crusty old subjects where he has to wade through big words, and pretentious paragraphs to get anything out of it. He expects that once he finishes reading Kant he will suddenly see The Point. I never felt this way. Every word was exciting. Every sentance had a point. And a counterpoint.

I learned that Philosophy was/is cool. But it's too subtle for most people. Filmmakers realize this too. And most fear it. On one hand, filmmakers want to make films that move people. On the other hand they are afraid of being too philosophical. They don't want a film that plays dead. Playing dead does not work. So, with huge ad campaigns, they make pointless films which "open big."

I don't want to "open big" in my life. I feel that if I am careful with my choices, and maintain my passions, I will be a "sleeper" hit. So, now I am planning, and laying the foundations for a career as a producer. I am integrating the things I love; philosophy, filmmaking, analysis, control, and combining them via entertainment law. It seems to be working.

And that's the key. Be subtle, but not too subtle. Don't play dead. Wiggle a little as you lie there waiting.


missjesus@geocities.com 1