If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump all the silly gifts given to you
         
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor
and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.

Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
so things now suspended need not be uplifted.

I'd draw in your tummy and smooth all the cracks
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin

You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
and you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
no searching for spectacles right on your nose.

Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
from a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have headaches, no pills would you take.
no heating pad needed since muscles won't ache.

Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be one cute chick with the romance of Cupid.

I'd give you a lift when the wolves start to whistle,
the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.

But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me
the matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.

Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.