Confusion Reigns
Confusion reigns
Deep within
My heart it aches so much
I am in pain
Of this I’m sure
Can’t tell you where it hurts
It hurts so bad
I think I’ll die
Under the weight
Of how it is
My mind it flashes back in time
Reality hits like waves
Washing over
They drag me down
I’m stunned
And so confused
In disbelief that this can be
The life that I have lived
Have I created
The horror I see
For how can it be real?
But if I have
There is a cost
My God I’ll never see
Why do I doubt
When I know for sure
That this I’d never do
It must be that
It’s too hard to face
A nightmare without end
I’ve shared it now
With several souls
My story’s not my own
No more secrets
Held within
But still I’m all alone
The time’s been hard
I’ve faced some things
That shook me to the core
Can I be safe?
Or just survive?
When I really want to live
To live again
Is to be free
To talk and let it go
Can’t find the key
That leads me there
Can’t stop the pain within
I’m tired of
The shallowness
That marks my path through life
I scream inside
But can’t let out
The howling that I feel
I want to talk
And share myself
Can’t seem to find the way
There is a fear
That I can see
But still don’t understand
I want to run
And hide away
I fear I can’t survive
The pain inside
Is oh so great
Can’t tell you where it hurts
I want someone
To soothe my ache
To kiss it tenderly
To tell me that
I’ll be okay
That they will care for me
Can’t find the words
To tell you of
The pain I feel inside
Instead I stand
So mute and cold
I miss out on what I need
Inside I scream
I cry in pain
And long to be set free
I need someone
To step inside
And show me how to be
I’ve taken risks
I’ve done it all
I’ve listened carefully
But still I’m lost
Can’t find my way
Through the maze that lies within
It seems so hopeless
To ever be
The place where I do dream
I come so close
Then it overtakes
And sweeps me back away
Oh to be free
To have let go
Is a dream, I dream a lot
I seem to come
Within it’s reach
Then the sentry’s all come out
“I can’t believe you think this way”
“You must have made it up”
“Your causing pain to others here”
“For that there is a price”
There is no answer for this pain
Must take the back way out
To end it now is all there is
Accept it and be quick
But I fight them off
One more time
Determined to stand still
How many times
Can I do this thing
Before I have no strength
Don’t understand
Just where I am
Confused and hurting still
I’ve done much work
But have I changed?
Deep down to my core
These things I’ve done
Were very hard
I’m sure they’re worth the while
But I still hurt
And wander round
Wondering where I am
Confusion reigns
Deep inside
They tell me I must learn
To be okay
To sit with it
They’ll be here when they will
Emotions come
Just when they want
And I must be okay
To learn this thing
Confuses me
How can I be okay?
When how I feel
Can frighten me
Not sure I’ll last it out
It’s not mere sadness
That I face
It wants to take me out
To take me out
And take me down
Seems to be its goal
Confusion reigns
Deep inside
How can I be okay?
5-7-2001
(jml)
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