(gathered from many sources, including from my college students!)
If we can't laugh at ourselves as we age, the trials may become to hard to bare. These jokes are to help take the edge off of our difficulties!
"He who laughs, lasts."
"If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
--------------------------------------
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
-----------------------------------------
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
----------------------------
Red Skelton's "tips for a Happy Marriage"
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Her's is in Ontario and mine is in Miami.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. I then went someplace I hadn't been in a long time: the ER
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!
-------------------------------------------------------------
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
---------------------------------------------- Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
-------------------A SENIOR WEDDING--------------
-------------------- -----------------------
THREE ORNERY GRANDMAS
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. --- A sweet "Everybody's Grandmother" type elected to stand trial for a ticket she received. The officer charged her with failure to proceed without due caution through an intersection controlled by a flashing yellow traffic signal. ----------------- ---------
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ...it doesn't matter. Mark Twain
Age only matters if you're cheese and wine. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway... The good fortune to run into the ones I do... And the eyesight to tell the difference!
I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
If I knew I was going to get this old, I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.
My grandson asked me if I still look at young women, I said yes, but I can't remember why.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
The golden years: When actions creak louder than words.
There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.
The older you get, the better you get (unless you're a banana)
"Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory." --Franklin Pierce Adams
-------
Our Sponsor:
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go
for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
br>
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea-----------------
Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left.
"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did.
But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear.
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
[arizona_humor] Subject: HAPPY MARRIAGE
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain`t no way you can guess it."One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
He did. The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and said, "You`re 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing!" how did you guess that?"
The ornery old grandmas laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday."
The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father.
The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
-from a true story sent by Phil Shaffer (via Medical Humor)
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
At the trial, she told the judge: "I've always hurried thru that intersection to get out of the way of reckless drivers."
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.
However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and posted it off to the company
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it probably would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"It was your doctor."
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -Calvin Trillin
1 Shopping eMall