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Draft Petition to the International Olympic Committee 1.0 - The IOC representatives of (name of country) hereby demand that the 2012 Olympiad be held in Hebron - West Bank - occupied territory of Palestine. 1.1 - In lieu of the decision to award the 2008 Olympic Games to China, we believe that having Palestine host the 2012 games should be next on the IOC agenda. It our express concern that the full moral imperative of the games be brought to bear on renewing the abysmal athletic and recreational facilities of the occupied territories. In particular we note the absence of olympic size pools in the West Bank and a severe shortage of shot-put ranges. 2.0 - We recommend that a brand new Israeli settlement, paid for by the United States Government and constructed using Russian immigrant labor, be designated as the official Olympic Village. All remaining Palestinian settlements in and around Hebron are to be bulldozed, for aesthetic reasons, by the Israeli Army and replaced by prefabricated concrete 'garden' bungalows. We also agree that heads of state might bunk with the respective athletes throughout the course of the games and share the explosive and shattering excitement of the spectacle of the West Bank. The prescribed cohabitation of athletes and heads of state might also include mandatory common showers, beds and 12-step sensitivity training. We feel that close, intimate relations between pumped-up, muscular, lovely, youthful, virile male and female athletes from around the world and lumpish, gray, traumatized, old and mostly male heads of state might facilitate a new era of 'libidinal' detente and assuage the downward spiraling pathological state of the worldsoul. 2.1 - All female gymnasts under the age of 12 are expressly excluded from the above cohabitation provisions. For these nubile aerialists we recommend a separate and secure compound supervised by nonagenarian former KBG and CIA agents. Special vodka-sniffing dogs are to be stationed at all entrances 24 hours per day. (Serbian Mastifs to be supplied by the Russian Federal Security Forces.) 3.0 - We recommend that doping restrictions be lifted and that the athletes imbibe clinically administered cocktails prior to the appropriate competitions to add a festive, free-form element sadly lacking in the highly orchestrated games of the recent past. The drug concession might be seen as another fine method of raising cash for the IOC and currying favor with derelict nations of the Third World accidentally marginalized and regretfully demonized by the First World hegemony. This self-same hegemony, now much saddened and chastened by its previous accidental and unintended insensitivity to these forlorn fringe nations, would be happy to trade surplus sneakers, sweatshirts and jeans for the required opiates. Surplus sneakers might also be offered to ertswhile opium farmers in compensation for the forced introduction of genetically engineered crops. After the conclusion of the games, any surplus opium or heroin would be distributed to the needy. 4.0 - Furthermore, to address the sensitive issue of delegate safety, and to show the world the respectable and gentle trustworthiness of the much maligned Afghani Islamists, we petition the IOC to invite the hapless ex-Taliban government of Afghanistan to act as the security force for the games. 5.0 - In order to protect our national interests, and to add a hint of realism to an otherwise abstract event, we fully support the use of openly displayed fire arms for all athletes during the 2012 Olympiad. Signed: (name of petitioner and date) NOTE: PLEASE SEND THIS PETITION APPLICATION TO YOUR IOC REPRESENTATIVE - THE PLO NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT IN SECURING THE 2012 OLYMPIAD - SO, JOIN TODAY! |
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Landscape Agency New York - 2002
