Theology

Sometimes when I think back to some of the episodes of The Twilight Zone or watch it on television (particularly those episodes which deal with dreams and reality) I then ask myself: What is reality? What is truth? Then when I watch the movie A Beautiful Mind or The Sixth Sense and I compare my own theories (about my belief that God communicates with me in my dreams and about my belief in my own resurrection) with what these characters believed they saw and heard, I wonder if there is anything wrong with me and my beliefs.

(I am frequently plagued with thoughts that reality is something akin to the more bizarre Twilight Zone episodes and that I am stuck in such a world until my death.)

It all makes me think that I’m just some poor lost soul filled will delusions of grandeur, or maybe I’m just an unfortunate autistic child daydreaming while waiting for his father to come home – reminiscent of the child David from the last episode of the television program St. Elsewhere – a television series about doctors and nurses.

(In the last episode his father comes home from a construction foreman’s job. But the autistic child had sat all day looking at a snow globe of a hospital and imagined that his father was the administrator of the hospital, implying that all the episodes of the program were only the child’s daydreams.)

My own thoughts attack me! Is my life just one long unending daydream from which I cannot escape until my death? Am I right now sleeping somewhere and having a dream or some other type of hallucination? I have only my faith to go on.

The worst part is that I can find no one in whom I can confide. I cannot find anyone whom I can trust to help me discern these beliefs of mine. Who is going to believe that I’m going to rise from the dead? I don’t blame them, for how many quack, charlatan religious teachers have come along making the same claim, when their only real goal was to fleece their congregations of everything they could get from them?

I am not of that sort; my only desire is to serve my God. But maybe unconsciously I’m just looking for my fifteen minutes of fame. I pray not. I am a small child, all alone and the world in which I live has become a Twilight Zone. I am a ship at sea, lost in a dark storm and tossed to and fro by the waves.

I can find no one who sees what I see, who understands what I understand or who believes what I believe about the evolution of the universe, the earth, life and man. Everyone either believes that Genesis is a myth or they give it a fundamentalist interpretation. I cannot trust either of these type of individuals to help me to discern the truth.

Just like Joan Osborne sings in her song One of Us, I am all alone just trying to make my way back home. I am a slob who is good-for-nothing except to wallow in my own delusions of grandeur.

Every now and then I find someone who believes that my proof for the exclusive divinity of Jesus Christ needs to be published. But every one of them has read it with a Christian prejudice. There is nothing wrong with this, but it is subjective and unscientific. It is the rare person in the scientific community that will even give my paper a first look let along peer review. Those few who do read it do not realize the importance of this proof or the wide ramifications of it.

Since this is the “star atop my tree,” the guiding light, so to speak, of all my beliefs, I can only wonder then: Is the scientific proof for the exclusive divinity of Jesus Christ the discovery of the millennium, or am I just some poor lost child deceived by thoughts of his own importance? Is this discovery the culmination of the scientific revolution that our Lord began with Copernicus in 1543? Is this what St. John wrote about?

The many and great philosophical and scientific revelations (the great earthquake) since the Renaissance have seemingly overshadowed religious truth. This is seen in the sun becoming as sackcloth and the moon as blood. Scientific truth comes from God is seen in the stars falling from the sky. Every belief that mankind had prior to the Middle Ages has been changed by this scientific revolution. This is seen in heaven being rolled up and every mountain and island being moved out of its place.

Am I the seventh angel? Is St. John’s description of him reminiscent of the message in my manuscript Alpha Omega? Am I correct when I profess to see this, that God in His great mercy has chosen me to be the instrument through which He gives all mankind His message. Or am I just some vain fool looking for self glory? I pray that I am not such a wolf-in-sheep’s clothing. I pray that I can wake up from this Twilight Zone “nightmare” in which I live, that it will all be over and I will discover that I am not who I believe I am. Then I can go back to being a joe nobody just like everyone else.

I talk to God just like the Jewish dairyman talked to Him. But I get no answers. At least I do not hear Him answering me. I am a lost child surrounded by darkness on all sides. I can only see the light shinning down on my feet. It moves – forward, to the right or to the left – it matters not which direction. I must follow it or I walk in darkness. My only hope is that this light is coming from my God and that it is not delusions of my own self importance deceiving me.

Then I go to sleep only to wake up the next morning and nothing is changed. My dreams do not answer my questions. Each dream is like one piece to a giant multi-million piece jigsaw picture puzzle. They tell me to continue to put my faith in God. But what else they say I do not know. Everything is just the same as it was the day before. I must depend on my faith, my faith in God and in myself. I know that the only thing for me to do is to endure.

But my faith is weak, for beyond a belief that I will die in the near future and then rise again after 100 weeks, I have virtually no idea of what fate awaits me. I am a Cast Away on a deserted island and I can only wait for my God to save me.

I know also that it is my own thoughts that attack me. Indeed, they tempt me to reject my beliefs. I frequently get thoughts that I am just another David Koresh, Charles Manson, Mark David Chapman and many other individuals who believed that they got subliminal messages through music, books and other sources. (Each of these individuals were filled with delusions of grandeur and their own self importance.)

What helps me here is my belief that God does not give subliminal messages to anyone through music, books, paintings, or any other medium. Nor does God inspire anyone to break the law. I know that the only way out of the nightmare that my own thoughts sometimes create for me is to stay focused on logic and to be rational in all my actions. It is illogical and irrational for someone to hurt another individual.

What helps me most is prayer – usually the Rosary or the Memorare. What also helps is when I meditate upon the scientific proof for the exclusive divinity of Jesus Christ and the far reaching ramifications of this proof. Since I am the first to reveal this proof and this is a great grace for me, then I must carry the cross that comes with it. For with every grace comes a cross.

The cross that I must carry is my belief in who I am and that I will stay unknown to the world until my God reveals me. (Hence, I am clothed with a cloud, Rev.10:1) This reasoning strengthens my faith. My God will save me.

I am reminded of a photomosaic of Yoda that I have in my room. It is made up of thousands of pictures from the Star Wars movies. Up close the only thing one can see are the individual pictures but far away the only thing one sees is Yoda. The collage reminds me of God. God is a collage of everything one is, one believes, one hopes, or one imagines. God is also a collage of every human that has ever lived, is alive now, and ever will live in the future (Rom.12:4-5; 1Cor.10:17). God is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. God is everything.

God has two natures. I do not know how to explain His natures but I do know that as God is, so are we. I will therefore try to explain God’s two natures by explaining the two natures that I have. One way that I can do this is through music.

One of me loves soft rock; the other of me loves heavy metal rock. One of me loves songs of love; the other of me loves songs of rebellion. One of me loves classical music; the other of me loves modern jazz. One of me is a debutant virgin queen; the other of me is a momma biker chick.

One of me is kind and forgiving; the other of me is arrogant and unsympathetic for hypocrites and self righteous individuals. One of me cares deeply for those in need; the other of me doesn’t give a damn for those who refuse to be merciful. One of me is male; the other of me is female. (This has nothing to do with homosexuality. Rather, it has to do with the fact that my two natures are opposites of each other.) I picture one of me as submissive and the other of me as dominant.

On my web page B & D, S & M, I mention that God is leading me down a road that He has only rarely led others down. Also, He has led no one down this road as far as He is taking me. I am blazing a trail that our Lord wants His children to follow. I am not saying that His children have to participate in BDSM sex. To do so would be one’s own decision. What our Lord wants is for His children to understand bondage and discipline sex and to learn about His mystery through this understanding.

I know that the authors of the Canticle of Canticles – I believe that it was originally a man and a woman writing love letters to each other but I could be wrong – went somewhat down this road but I do not know how far down it they traversed. One of them was submissive and the other dominant. One of them giving, the other taking. One of them in ecstasy, the other in agony. One of them in delirium, the other in desiccation. Yet, both of them and both of my natures are one. We are one in God.

At one’s physical death one will review their whole life. Each person will review every work, joy and sorrow, every belief, aspiration and love that he or she will have experienced throughout his or her whole life. This is one’s personal judgment. This judgment will start with the worst deeds that one has committed and slowly progress to one’s greatest achievements, acts of good will and service that one has performed.

As one proceeds, one will lose that which one did not give to our Lord while here on earth. That is, one’s sins, misdeeds and materialisms will gradually fall from one’s soul into the abyss, leaving one with only those acts of love preformed during one’s life. One will then enter the center of his or her soul to greet God, who is waiting there to fill one with His grace.

One may draw an analogy of this personal judgment and say that it is very similar to the final scene from the 1997 James Cameron movie Titanic where Rose re-enters the sunken liner. Indeed, the final scene is perfect for describing one’s entrance into our Lord’s kingdom.

As Rose moves down the walkway of the sunken liner the years of filth that encrust the ship begin to fall off, to be replaced by light. The closer she comes to the grand staircase the greater the light. As she gets to the bottom of the grand staircase the doorman opens the door for her. There waiting for her at the top of the stairs are not only her lover, Jack Dawson, but also all the good people she met while on her voyage, including the captain of the ship.

A similar precept prevails in one’s personal judgment. Upon entering heaven, one will lose all the years of sin and materialism that have encrusted one’s soul. This filth will be replaced by the light of God. As one gets to the center of their soul the doorman (Jesus Christ) will open the door for one. Upon entering the center of one’s soul, one will find that not only is our Lord, the Captain of one’s soul, waiting there for one, but also every good deed and act of love one performed while alive on earth are also there waiting for one to arrive.

It is interesting to note that Jack Dawson was dressed just the opposite of Rose. He was in rags and she in a white dress, manifesting the opposite natures of one’s soul.

I have finished reviewing all my philosophical writings. In all these writings I am trying to describe a giant multi-million piece jigsaw picture puzzle of which I can only see a small part; it is only partially put together. Many of the pieces are missing. I describe what I see. Some things I can see clearly; other things I can see only through a fog, so to speak. Still, I know there are other things which I cannot see at all.

I only hope that whatever I have written will help those who come after me find peace of God. Also, during the summer of 2005 I began writing some fictional stories. I know that my God was keeping me occupied by writing these fictional stories. This was in part to keep my mind off what I perceived then as my approaching death. I know that He inspired me to write these stories. I also know that He will use them to draw souls to Himself. But I don’t completely understand how as they are very materialistic in their subject matter.

God, Pain & Suffering