::ramble::

::my ramblings::

8/7/00 Monday
seriously, sometimes i cant take any of the crap that life is throwing at me. especially the crap that my mom gives me! gawd, i know she means right and all [she is my mom] but freakin goodness!! its like she controls my life "yes jessica, just stand up to her! dont take any of her shneit!" if only it were that easy..and it could be. im just too chicken to take a real stand. *sighs* she got mad at me today because i didnt wear a bra with my green tank top. wuzzup w/that?! its not like i was outside or running anywhere, i was inside like allll day! its so ironic how she'll yell at me for doing nothing at home all day and she'll say "why dont you go out with your friends or something?" and when i do ask her to go out, she'll say "No" just craaazy i say! then again, its not like i'd have many places or many friends to hang out with..*sigh* another thing! she doesnt seem to like my new bf thomas. just because he is my bestfriends ex-bf. my bestfriend ashley says she doesnt care if i date him, so why does my mom worry so much?? because she is very old fashioned. and also she reallllly liked my ex-bf....Hm. i dont want to go too much into that. thats an area that just a bit too private and hurtful to go into.
my brother goes into full detail about his recent life though. its amazing, he has the guts to just let it all out, doesnt even really care if the people he knows read it. Alright. lets see what else i have to say...Ah yes. school will be starting next week. GeeGad! I've gotta share it with my lil sister. Im going to be a senior..yep. That means its my last year..... For some strange [but obvious] reason i've been putting off thinking about college. If i had a dollar for each time i said "today im going to seriously think about college" i could pay for 100 kids to go to college! [and not community college either, like harvard or something]. *scratches head* Hmm..should i cut my hair? I was thinking about that the other day at work. If i cut it now it'll take another year for it to be back to this length. That aint so bad right? Maybe i'll ask for others peoples opinions. Thats something i do often. I'll ask other people to make decisions for me, some may find that as me being stupid and not taking control of my life. but i see it as a way to blame them if anything goes wrong. *laughs* Strange huh? IE. picking a seat at the movie theater. If later on during the movie there turns out to be a problem w/where we were sitting, i'll blame it on the person who choose the spot. BUT if i had choosen the place, i wouldnt have made a fuss about it. Hee hee. Im wierd like that. Call me hypocritical. Im not sure if thats as bad as i used to think it was....no wait..actually it is. Darn.

8/8/00 Tuesday
sometimes people say that i shouldnt care too much, but i cant help it. whats so terribly wrong about caring a lot??? nothing in my opinion [except the fact that some people will take advantage of you] many times i cant help out the people i care about, because im not sure how to do it, or what to say....*sigh* today i went to work, and it was very slow business. so i had a lot of time to sit around w/my co-workers and just talk about things. seems like im the only virgin at work! *laughs* craaazy i says. maybe wanting to wait till youre ready or in love isnt as popular as it used to be...blah blah blah. hmm..oh yeah! someone i know really likes Jim Carrey, and i was just remembering like the first movie i ever saw him in. it was like the 80's, and he was some guy that was like bitten by a vampire or something like that..gawd, what an old movie! i wonder if he has seen that movie...probably not. since he also hasnt seen all these other great movies that i've mentioned to him! *wink wink*
i still havent figured out how the irony in this world works...timing and hesitations make everything so different. if only i didnt have such low self esteem somtimes. im getting much better at appreciating myself..although lately i've done some crappy things to people, even though i really dont mean to on purpose!! besides the recent crappy things, i really like who i am now. i've come a long way, and i have many people to thank for that. especially my bestfriend and boyfriend. they rawk! ;) Er, im very sleepy!! Zzzz -_- [i just got off of work about 2hrs ago, and me tireds] i should retire now to bed..goodnight.

8/12/00 Saturday
today i went to work and stuff...it was okay. had lots of fun messing around with my co-workers, who im sure by now are convinced that im on some sort of drug..hee hee. ^_^ other then that, i went to church today with my friend ashley. she wanted to check out this catholic church that some people she knows go to. i thought it was about time for me to finally go to church. the past 2 years it became clear to me that i havent been going to church like i used to. which was every single sunday of the yeah. now i only went to church when someone died, which is sad. so during the mass i felt like crying, because i was remembering back to the time when i was at my uncle funeral, and i spent most of the time in someones shoulder, because i was just sobbing. last night i couldnt go to sleep, i maybe got about an hour or so of sleep in, i thought i'd wake up all grouchy and sleepy. much to my amazement i was wide awake when i showed up at work at 6am [actually i showed up earlier then that, i was there by 5:40am] today 2 guys [customers] complemented me on how beautiful my eyes were. i cant help but feel spoiled and concieted now. *laughs* just kidding! ;) gawd, school is starting up soon... im sure it'll be okay. but im just preparing for the worst. like getting horrible teachers, and horrible classmates that i'll hate, or having D lunch [thats the last lunch of the day]. im hoping that i'll be able to get out of the house more often then last year. im going to be a senior! aaagh! hee hee. last night i found out that someone who i somewhat admire is a virgin. now i was pretty sure that they were...but they finally said it. so that made me feel hmm..im not sure how it made me feel, but my admiration for them was risen. its kinda wierd going to highschool, and having all of these friends and classmates that are no longer virgins. i remember when i was younger [waaaay younger] i wanted to be a nun, because i didnt want to get pregnant from having sex. i love kids and all, but at that point in my life i couldnt see myself having them. like ever. *laughs* anyways, i finally got over wanting to be a nun, why? puberty kicked in! hee hee. then i thought "well i'll just wait till im married" but i dont really want to do that either, not that im against it or anything, but its just not for me. [and i'll probably also not be able to wait that long!! im a growing women who has needs gawd damn it!] O:) *innocent smile* now im just waiting till im ready and sure that i wont ever regret it. *sighs* ^_^ ahh, well i should get going now, cant think of much else to write. and its not like you'd care what else i have to say. [found out the name of that Jim Carrey movie i was talking about Once Bitten]

8/16/00 Wednesday ::Special First Days of School Edition!!::
I started school on this Monday, at first i was perfectly fine w/it. Not nervous at all and crap. BUT then i woke up cold, and if ya know me, i always get nervous if i wake up cold. [i dunno why, its just some wierd nerves i guess] By the time i got to school though i was fine. Here goes an overview of my classes based on these first few days. I rated them 1-10; 1 being bad, and 10 being wow this rawks!!

1st period-Goverment:[3] i know only one person in that class, and i dont even know her too well. but luckily we like to talk, so we did. Since the elections are coming up were going to have a huuuge project to do. *gags* My teacher hates people taking naps!!

2nd period-Art Electronic Media:[6] i have about 3 friends in that class, very nice people. Not to mention my fave teacher mrs. abshere! ^_^

3rd period-Computer Business:[7 1/2] ashley is in my class!! yay! so it automatically gets a high score, just cuz she's in there. hee hee. and also the teacher seems to be very cool, and the kids in the class are funny and very talkative. *grin*

4th period-Art Painting:[6] i have about 2 or 3 friends in there, but we dont talk tooo much. and i have mrs. abshere as my teacher again! hee hee. she's a kick ass teacher! and plus i know im just going to LOVE painting! "can we finger paint?" *dumb smile*

5th period-Creative Writing: [9] this class has about 3 friends of mine, but i know im going to make a lot more. i can just sense it. the teacher is just as cool as mrs. abshere, and she's also just as hilarious! plus we get a lot of freedom in the class, such as just walking around when we feel like it, or taking naps. we take no notes, no homework. just write when we feel like it. cool huh?

**Lunch**[7] Yes i know its not a class period! *laughs* But i thought i'd write about it. I have C lunch [we have A-D lunch] and this is going to be tricky for me...b/c i have many friends during this lunch. BUT my friends are not all friends w/each other. B/c some are considered "gothic" or "grunge" and some are considered "smart" "nerdy" or "outsiders" so they dont mix well, and its hard for me to figure out where im going to sit. b/c they all want me to sit w/them!! Also its very crowded during lunch, i only have about 10minutes to eat my lunch! and that sucks ass. today i kinda figured out how im going to work out lunch. Im just going to switch from table every week or whatever.

6th period-English 4 Honors:[6] Right when i walked into the room i felt at ease. B/c her room is very nicely decorated w/ivy and vanilla scented things. Also she had classical music playing the entire time softly in the background, and she had this cute lil water fountain on her desk! She also seems to be very nice, and i have about 4 friends in that class as well.

All of the classrooms are colder then the freezer at work! *laughs* So im going to be bringing my brothers big, soft, blue hooded jacket. Ooo, nice and toasty! ^_^ hee hee. As you can see all of my classes are supa-easy and seem like lots of fun! Woohoo! Thats about all i can say for the moment. Im enjoying my stress free days so far. Hmm..yet i know that they wont last long, b/c i seriously have to start thinking about college. Most deadlines are due in December. Blah blah blah.. I'll write more later about my schools "school spirit" and their attempts at brainwashing me...

::Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting::

8/23/00 Wednesday
Ooh, one whole week later and i finally decide to write back here. *grin* My days at school just keep getting better and better. Its just like one big social thing. All i seem to do is talk talk talk with my friends. They are awesome! We have such fun, we are planning on shooting a short lil film for some website on www.eveo.com Even if they dont like it, im sure we'll have a blast making it. ^_^ I got a nickname! I've never like had one before. its "Bacon" hee hee. No, dont think of it as an insult. There is a good story for it [its a true story] in my creative writing class there is this other girl named Jessica. So we always get confused, so my friends were like "jess, think of a nickname so we can tell ya'll apart" i agreed. at the time we were talking about vegetarians and such, and i liked the word Vagean [its a vegetarian that doesnt eat meat or dairy products...scary..] BUT my friend Dee thought i said Bacon. Hence Bacon. hee hee. i like the nickname, i think it suits me well. *huge grin* =D today was picture day at school, i didnt take any, because i wasnt going to buy any. Er..what else. Ah yes, the clubs i am in. Aggh! One of them is bringin me a bit of stress at this moment, because i have to remember a lot of things, and get stuff done as well. *sighs* I'll post more later, gotta go get a song for my cuz. Mwa!

9/3/00 Sunday
Today is my brothers 22nd b-day, my parents are out of town, tomorrow we have no school. Life is good for me. I know i havent written in a long ass time, and apologize if i've frightened anyone into thinking that i am dead...then again, some people may like that thought. *laughs* School, believe it or not, is something that i look forward to going to. I have some awesome friends, one of them is worrying the heck out of me though. Doing some things that are not like her, i think she feels like she's already let down some people, so why not continue to. But thats a bunch of BS! I love her to death, and i want her to realize that she doesnt need this crap, she doesnt need a man, she just needs to find herself and let everyone else love her back. *sighs* Alright, enough of that or i'll get upset. Friday night...it was awesome. Thats all i have to say. ;) Im in 3 clubs at school, not sure if i've already written about this. They are lots of fun. Hopefully i'll be making more friends. My bestestfriend Paul sent me pics of him and some of his friends. He is very photogenic. *grins* There are 2 guys in my life whom i love and care for deeply, without them in my life right now...I dont even want to think about it! *sniff sniff* My friend Julie left for Arizona today, she's going to be trained to work for America West airlines. Im sure she'll do great, and then we'll get to go traveling! Woohoo! ^_^ There are a lot of wonderful people in this world. I've just made friends with some of them recently. They are awesome! The Riot Gurls!! Nuff Said..Oh yeah. And there is a certain guy that upsets me, due to the fact that he has been depriving himself of movies for all of his life!! He should be shot..No wait. Thats too drastic and sad...He should be forced to watch movies!! He'll thank us all later..*ahem* The End.

9/5/00 Tuesday
Last night i spoke with someone that i care very deeply for. I hadnt talked to him in a very long time, and that was making me sad. *sigh* :( Hopefully now things will only get better between the two of us. I want to be brutally honest here. I can say that i love him. But its not the same love that it was when we were together. Its more the kind of love like he is a person that i need in my life. He fills this spot in me that no one else seems to fit into. Someone once asked me "Do you still love him?" I said no. Im sorry, at the time i didnt put much thought into it. Dont worry though. There is nothing to worry about, i have some willpower. I wont be overtaken by old feelings...I wont succom to what i feel is special. Because what i have now is very special. I love the guy. He is in love with me, and thats the sweetest thing ever. I cant say that im in love though. I've been hurt too much in the past to make myself that vulnerable so easily again....it still hurts.

9/6/00 Wednesday
I just want to say that i have some awesome friends!! Ashley Head,Kozmo, Dee [Pretzel], Muna Tuna, Marcela, Jen!! You all rawk!!!!! =D

9/7/00 Thursday
Today was the first day for this Creative Poetry Writing experience Workshop, that i signed up for with some friends. It was pretty cool. This cool looking guy w/dreds named Al LaBlanc came to the school and talked to us about thinking creatively. He would give us a topic or something like that, and he'd ask us to write about it, then share. Everyone in there wrote some really great stuff. I must admit, that i even thought my stuff was good. The only downside to the whole situation was that my emotions, thoughts, morals, and conscience all got messed up. I was thinking of the most craziest things to do, and im sitting there thinking "...dear lord! is this right? is this normal? do i just need more sleep? or is this the real me, who is too scared to come out because i might hurt people?" Anyways, i talked a lot with my friend Ash, boy was i glad she went! I love that girl to death, she's awesome. :) hee hee. Afterwards we went over to our friend Hayley's house. Her room is cool! ^_^ Dee played around with my hair and everyone agreed "bacon you look hot!" *grin* its so wierd being flattered by my friends. Im still not exactly sure how to react to it. So far i've just been saying "aaw, thanks" and i'll blush. *smile* I have some awesome friends man! I know i'd be depressed and lonely without them. OH yeah..most of the poetry that was produced by me today had a lot to do with me hurting in the past. The poet man [kool b] really liked my one new poem Austin Crash. :: Time has passed, at least 4 hrs, and im going to write again for today:: Alright, im watching the MTV video awards. And Britney Spears just performed...now. We must all know that she has fake boobs. But still, i hate it how her body just looks so pretty, and how she turns on guys with how perfect she looks. Im not saying that she is perfect, because we dont personally know her. But still!! It frustrates me, and yes..makes me jealous, that a girl can look that great!! Why cant i look that great??!!

9/8/00 Friday
The time is getting closer and closer, i'll soon be rid of my job forever!! Yay! ^_^ I must admit i will miss it a bit, i mean it was my first job. i made some friends there and all...*sigh* But other then that, it sucked arse! Im glad im fiiiinally leaving. Well, i've been sitting here waiting... wondering if i'll be going out tonight or not. its 10:10pm. wow, what a strange time...My curfew is 12. So if anything is gonna happen, i've got at least 2hrs. It'll be okay if i dont do anything tonight, i could use the sleep i guess. Lately i've been really tired. My nickname has stuck. Everyone that knows me now calls me Bacon. [well except a few people at school, and my family. but thats okay]. Its so cool having a nickname! Mmm, my hair smells nice. *grins* Today i remembered that i'll one day have to be on my own in the world. Thats kinda scary man...EEk! dont think about it now!! Urrr k. Since i had quite awhile waiting for someone to call, i wrote 6 short poems. Maybe i'll put them up in my poetry section some day. Or maybe not, it'd be safer to keep my stuff hidden.....hee hee. Yep. Im getting very very tired. I think i'll go take a nap..I just really hope that i'll wake up. Nevermind, talkin to a friend now. I'll stay up a bit longer, i mean its only 10:20. *Yawns* -_- Me want to go nitey nite...arg. i'll see if i can post up later all that happened from here on...goodnight.

9/11/00 Monday
Yesterday i hung out with a friend of mine. i hadnt seen him in over 4 months. seeing him made me remember how much i missed him. he is a really funny guy, he says the coolest things. im always afraid of looking stupid in front of him, when im sure he probably doesnt even care. at times things were going in slow motion, i wish i had taken my camera with me. this little kid in the icecream store was sitting there, very very slowly scooping the icecream out of his cup. when he finally got some into his spoon it ended up flinging almost all his sprinkles to the table. a small grin slowly came onto his face, and he giggled. i just thought that was such a sweet moment. i turned to my friend to make sure he was watching all of it, he just smiled as well. "its times like this that i wish i had my camera..that was so cute" there seemed to be a lot of people in wheelchairs at the movie theater, so im not sure if there was some sort of discount day or not. but it'd suck to be in a wheelchair. they always have to get stuck sitting waaay down in front because their wheelchairs cant go up the stairs. im picturing myself in a wheelchair right now, being very slow at making decisions..trying to get from one point to another, its very difficult. sometimes i'll be sitting there thinking "its not suppose to feel this way. it feels the same. whats up with that? im thinking too much. maybe its from lack of something.....maybe..." [i can be very dramatic with out meaning to be...]

9/13/00 Wednesday
We have no school today, and i figured it'd be a cool day to just lazy around. but then i thought "no, i should go out and look for a job" now i cant do either. A friend of the families died the other day in a car accident, so we are going to the open casket thing tonight. my siblings and i have just been cleaning up around the house and stuff. i should be studying for these 2 tests that i have tomorrow..but i dont feel up to it right now. *sigh* lately a lot of people i know have been getting sick. that sucks. i dont like it when people get sick, especially me! hee hee. well...my stupid brother is nagging for me to get off, he is all like "i have this and that planned to do today, blah blah blah, whine whine whine.." =P i'll write more laters...

[rambling menu] [bacon]

These are my words. These are my thoughts. These are my emotions. These are my moments. This is a part of my life.