18% of my life

28/01/01 Sunday 12am >>>Aint no thang but a chicken wing<<<
i've got a bit of a headache..ouchie. i hope it goes away soon....damnit. today is sunday, that means that theres a chance that i have to go to church, no fair. and ya know what else really sucks? its the 28th, and i still have not written my stupid essays. kill me. kill me kill me. usually after my headaches go away i think "thank god i dont have headaches all the time" we should be thankful when times are quiet. and we aint got nothing to do, just say "oh yeah..thanks for me not feeling crappy right now" by da way. if you hover over the above barcodes then it'll have a lil message. its nothing special really. i hate it when my friends feel all sad and stuff, or their life isnt going well. i wanna try and help as much as i can without having it take over my life, or taking over theirs. okay wait...yeah..i cant think straight right now. i really wish i had that blue shirt. will someone go steal it for me?? its at Willowbrook mall, in the Dillards store, 2nd floor, juniors department. it should probably still be hanging on the rack in the dressing room by the cashier area. It's blue, and it has a v-neck kinda cut, and there are like blue mirrorish things on the bottom of it. its a very pretty blue too. okay?? thanks!!
1:40pm >>>Blame it on the falling sky...<<<
last night i dreamt that i was late for my bus, but i managed to get it to turn back for me. so i got on, and it was going in the wrong direction, i didnt think much of it though. it was really dark out, and it was also raining. we get to this bridge part of the street, and there are lots of police cars, and a firetruck on the bridge. everyone is standing outside looking towards the bridge, they have this huge net draggin the ditch thats overflooded. as we are driving by it slowly i ask what was going on, and someone said that the other night a kid had drowned and they were dragging for his body.... what a pretty weird dream huh? i can analyze it however i want, to make it suit whats going on with me and what i need to change. yup yup. lemme change the subject. i cant wait to get workin on the zine, that is when im done writing some stuff. okay. changing subject again. the whole subject of relationships...yep. all of last year i had 2 boyfriends, and just having them 2 as boyfriends was difficult to manage after awhile, and at the time i thought i was in love with one of them. and maybe i was..but now im not. the other one i did care about a lot, he was nothing but nice to me. now that i'm just friends with both of them...its made me think a lot about relationships. both of those boys werent meant for me, no matter what other people may say they feel about it, they werent.
3pm >>>Dancing on the corpses ashes & The aora of happiness<<<
here goes a lil poem that i just wrote to show how i was feeling just a second ago..
music make love to me
im smiling.
try to have conversations without me overhearing or i'll get jealous...
seems like the race started without me, and im left at the starting line..
the aora of happiness that i sense isnt even mine...
who likes bitchiness in a girl, when i cant even voice what im feeling cause it'll be shot down...
everythings happening and im just here...
the support i need is overshadowed by anything else you do...
fuck it. i dont need this. i'll get over it like i always do.
i'll cry about it. let the tears run down so you can see. wipe them off.
then start again.
im smiling.
7:22pm >>>Pocket full of matches and head full of flames<<<
hey everyone, if youre wondering, YES I AM working on my essays. I just stopped right now to inform all of you. I'm in my room typing them up and stuff. And also, i am feeling much better as well. Earlier i was in the dumps, very much so...*sigh* But now im okay. Tomorrow is stupid school, blah!! I hate that place sometimes. It makes me want to choke!!!

29/01/01 Monday 12:24am >>>You shouldnt hurt yourself and make up stupid excuses for it<<<
so its late at night right. and im suppose to be working some more on the essay that i've already started. but i cant seem to write anymore. im good at bullshitting essays, but....this one essay, its like it got to me. it says what are my goals in life, etc etc. i dont really have any. i mean...im sure that maybe i do, i dont want to end up a loser. thats a goal right?? everyone is asleep...im glad im not the only one who hasnt turned in my application to UT. woohoo!!! i've got at least 2 days now....bummer
5:04pm >>>Stupid people<<<
now tell me something...if someone offers you help, no wait. fuck this. i'll just come right out and say it. a friend of mine is cutting and burning himself because its how he likes to deal with the pain that his life is giving him. i thought he had quit, because he told me that he stopped doing the drugs. but then i later come out to find that his dad beat him up because he had taken some of his pills to help with his anxiety. i wish the assholes [[ aka: doctors and shrinks ]] wouldnt always just hand people drugs to help them with their problems. if they keep on doing these damn drugs then it just prolongs what they got. they need mental help too, to help deal with their problems. i and another friend of his have offered him help as best we could, with out getting the cops or child protection services or other shit like that involved. but he doesnt seem to be taking it. i just wish i could do more, but im running out of patience with him. im going to go talk to a school counselor about it tommorrow, and see if he can give me any advice. how can some smart people be so fucking pathetic and stupid sometimes??

30/01/01 Tuesday 6:11pm >>>Nice Dream<<<
people people people. faith. gotta have more faith. i aint about to go singing that george micheal song..ew. i think when i have kids i'd like to teach them how to speak spanish as well as english. i feel it'll give them an advantage over other people who only know one language, right? yeppers. uh..i downloaded some awesome radiohead winamp skin!! yeah!! everyone should listen to radiohead at least once. ha ha, i just saw what the temperature was on the news, its 69 degrees. [[ dirty mind..sorry ]] oink!! its time that i try and stop biting my nails...again. ha ha. im hungry. last night i ate these imitation oreo cookies, and my tummy hurt when i woke up ='( beware the cookies "twist and shout"!!! they are evil!! so yum...but evil!!!

31/01/01 Wednesday 12:01am >>>Damn time limits<<<
being a procrastinator is great...but it also has its draw backs. its great cause you get that rush inside of you at the last minute to work work work, and most of the time you produce your best work under a time limit. but then again once you love what youre working on and you want to elaborate on it, you cant. because its due very soon. damnit. i wish i had written more on my ramblings for yesterday. i missed it by just 1 minute, i could have lied and written there anyways. but nahh. i finished 99% of one of my essays, and tomorrow im going to do my other one. and try and work on filling out the application form better. cause i messed up, ha ha. went out of the lines sorta thing, not like mispelled my name or anything =P loser. stupid hotmail isnt working for me. blah blah blah. my essays are so loaded with bs its hilarious!! i went to a friends rambling page today, and noticed that they said how everyone should just live their life to the fullest basically. not put up an act. its one of those ramblings where you know he was probably talking about a certain person, or a group of persons in general..and since i have a class and lunch w/him im like "hmm.. i wonder if he meant me" so i'll take it to mean yeah. just cause im so full of myself. ha ha ha. the playdoh that my friend gave me got a bit dried up. not all of it, just some. cause stupid me forgot to put it back in the lil thingy. i wish i had a donut. today should be interesting...its the middle of the school week. damn im going to be tired when i wake up. ah well. wait..do i have a economics quiz 1st period??? i think i do. shit. hehehe. the things i get myself into i swear!! it amazes me!! ^_^ ha!!
6:05pm >>>curiosity killed the bacon<<<
im a bad friend. well..sometimes. like right now. i didnt inform my friend of something i had done earlier, and i feel crappy about it now that she does know. i guess i cant blame her for being mad at me, karma yo. its a bitch. nobody should talk to me for a long time. that should be my punishment, having complete silence. big decisions. i should try not to think out of my ass, someone told me that. i need to think a whole lot more before i do anything. i already thought i thought too much. TOO MUCH IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW IN MY HEAD IM GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE!!!!

01/02/01 Thursday 12:03am >>>Twinkle! Twinkle!! You rusty star...<<<
so its early in the morning of thursday, the first day of february. how neet-o, you know what that means. valentines day. yep. anyways, im doing a bit better then i was earlier. im like already done with my essays people!!! they arent Grade A material, but at least they'll do. today seems like its going to be a crazy crazy day...i've got a test in economics, which i didnt study diddly squat for, so im screwed. think happy thoughts...like how im about to go to bed in a bit, that im done with my stupid essays, and that i should hopefully have a kick ass valentine on the 14th. i've been thinking about asking this one person to be my valentine...they'll know who they are later on.
10:26pm >>>Post office lady<<<
the post office lady was really nice to me today. i went in and turned in my application. and ya wanna know what?? the post office closes at 5. and i went at 7, ha ha!! which post office was open at that time?? the airports. hee hee. my godsister julie took me, she's coo. we caught up on a lot of things, cause we hadnt talked in about over a month. things is coo like dat between us usually. i need to be headin off to sleep soon, cause im very tired and i need an early sleeep. mwa! love you all. by the way, i got my valentine!! yay!! ^_^ mwa!

02/02/01 Friday 10:56pm >>>I want to be Phil!!! & Mullets are like car accidents..<<<
im sorry, but if i had to be reincarnated as an animal, i'd come back as Phil, the groundhog they used to see if we'd have more weeks of winter. i was watching that on the news this morning, they tapped on this tree stump, that had a name plate on it that simply said "PHIL", then they opened up a door on the stump, and pulled out Phil, the groundhog. they held him up way high, he seemed to be shaking, and everyone was takin pictures of him and screaming for joy. i bet he has a fanclub..i dont even have one. ah well, it looks like he saw his shadow, which means that there are 6 more weeks of winter. damn coldness...i wrote my letterman jacket to a car show today. i got that letter jacket 2 yrs ago, and today was the first time i ever wore it out of the house. hee hee. my mommy wouldnt let me go unless i took that specific coat. im glad i did though, cause it was pretty thick, and it kept me warm. the car show wasnt all that great. it was interesting seeing the cars, and getting to sit inside some of them. i was pretending that i could own one of them...but i doubt i ever will..unless someone is really nice to me and gets me one [[hint hint everyone!!!]] i saw some AWESOME mullets there!! this one guy had like silver hair, it was reallly curly mullet. and then at the back top of his head, he had a bald spot!!! ha ha. then i saw two mexican guys with bandanas on, and they had greasy ass mullets. =P then i saw a woman with a mullet!!! i wish i had taken a camera..we got shocked a lot. i mean..static electricity. we were walking on the carpet a lot, and then we'd get into a car, and ZAP!! ouchie! hee hee. what else...today was pretty coo. i had clammy hands a lot of the day though..that was weird.

03/02/01 Saturday 1:53pm >>>Infomercials are addicting<<<
if i call a toll free # right now, i can just make 4 easy payments of 34.95 for the Rotesserie & BBQ thingy. Ooo. hee hee. sometimes i wonder why i just sit for hours watching these infomercials....its nuts i say. some relatives are suppose to be coming over today, they came all the way down from south texas. uhm..so yeah. i've gotta clean and stuff. i should go to my room and get offline. need to make sure my room is clean, and the clothes is all washed and things like that.
11:25pm >>>Ghetto Chinese food<<<
i think my lucky animal is the monkey. dont ask me why. since age 5 i've had good luck with them. they are cute too...so there. i wanna go to africa right now for some reason. just get up and go. that'd be neat. i think the lead singer from Incubus is cute ;) reow. i woke up pretty late today, around 11 something am. all i did today was basically clean clean clean...and more cleaning. once i get in my cleaning mood i start thinking that i should organize my life. which means just doing it by cleaning up my room and such. hmm..do you think the bumps on our plams mean something?? i think maybe they do...on my right hand right now...theres a high kinda bump up on the top of my life line. i want to go to africa africa africa. last night was nice. i ate some ramen soup today. i like saying random things a lot. my uncle and aunt are here. we ate ghetto rice with gravy from Timmy changs again. great place. great value. clammy hands are strange. if i could be a rapper...i sure as heck wouldnt want to be a christian rapper. i'd just have to laugh all the time. non-stop pizza stains. i found some cool stuff in my drawers today. maybe tomorrow i'll go to church..just for the heck of it. it'll be interesting. but if i dont go, thats okay too. cause today im wearing my awesome black tank top. everyone else called it a boob shirt. but i dont think it is. i think its rocking. so there. blah blah blah. if i could have a superpower, it'd be the power to uhm, have a REALLY great memory. can you imagine the power i'd have?? i could read over notes once in class, and bam!! ace the tests and such. i'd love to see this one guy i know put a couch in his office. ha ha ha, there would be no room for anything in there. i know a guy who reminds me of shaggy...how neet. i should be a movie star..nah, change my mind. i want to eat chocolate. mwa mwa mwa. me loves da monkee. hee hee. blah.

04/02/01 Sunday 2:54pm >>>This line isn't going anywhere...& Our thoughts on tv screens<<<
right now i suggest everyone listen to good music. what is good music?? thats up to you. i might disagree with you, but if it makes you happy.. then rock on!! don't let anyone change your mind. [[even if its the worst group or song in the world]] okay. so now that is done and over with. im working on making some magazine cover for my computer class. out of the whole school year, this is like the 3rd thing we've had to do. the rest of the time we just get online and mess around. my cover is going to rock..i hope. hee hee. i need to surround myself around a lot more funny people. i'm a messican. my rambling from last night was just a huge hodgepodge of crap. j/k. hee hee, hodgepodge..what a funny word. catywallop, have ya eer heard that before? jaaaah. guys with nice hair rock. i love nice hair. sometimes im scared of touching a guys hair, cause i know if i do, and i fall in love with it, i'll fall in love with them too. hee hee. silly me me me. what if the person has a shaved head though?? i like that too, cause it feels like carpet. mwa! i should really pick up a new habbit..hobby rather. someone once told me that when they were little they thought that everyones thoughts were shown on a tv screen that was in the back of our heads. if that were true, i'd want to make a curtain for my screen. but yet try and peek at everyone's tv screen. i dont dance in public....i mean. i have, and i do..but not enough. i do have rythm, ha ha!! just right now i told someone to d/l [[download]] a certain song, and he said "what? d/l? oh! you mean napstify" lol. hilarious. i find a sense of humor to be very sexxy. ;) alright. thats it. i've been online long enough. im going to the park, or to someones house. either way they are close to each other.
8:00pm >>>Stapled Walk<<<
went to my buddies house, talked bout making a zine. it should be tons of fun!!! i copied my hand onto her copier machine, it came out great. what else...i actually did get out of the house today [[duh, if i went to a friends house]]. that was neet. i wish it had been alone, but my brother tagged along. blah. today totally does not feel like a sunday...i dont feel like going to school tomorrow. im sure i will though, want to get exempt from my final exams. isnt it funny when someone says something deep...but it just comes off as really stupid?? ha ha.

05/02/01 Monday 5:32pm >>>Bittersweet Cake Mix Called Life<<<
woah what a day what a day...it was quit dull. in my communication graphics class my magazine cover is going along great. my friend saw it and said that i should go into webdesign, or advertising. i think that'd be neet...but im probably not too creative to do that. it sucks when im pessimistic about things...or would that be realistic in this case? ahh well. i did horrribly on that economics test i had on friday. i cant retake it either. so i'll just have to try and do better on the next test. i need to go make my page easier to use. cause my friend jessica cant understand it too well. hee hee.
7:18pm >>>Tear my limbs apart<<<
i cant always be online..damnit. i spent some time making buddy icons..just cause. i know i should be off studying for this english test i got on wednesday..but am i right now?? nope. i will later on...i think...i hope...la la la. my daddy got mad at us because we didnt turn the porch light on when it got dark. boooy did he flip out!! he is now "commanding" us to do other stupid shit. like every time its about to get dark, to check on the porch light, check the side door in the garage to make sure its closed...and i dont know what other whacked out crap he wants us to do.

06/02/01 Tuesday 3:48pm >>>Clevage + Blue Eyeshadow + Hot Pink Lipstick = No difference with a Granny Sweater on<<<
"happiness and harmony. thats all everyone really wants.." I got that quote from willy wonka movie. we all want things, it can be something huge, like a jet airplane, a yacht, our own dance club....or simple things. like a cupcake, a hug, someone waving hi back. i go for the more simple things. i usually wont get them..thats okay too. for everyone who knows me, you should know that i usually wear the same sweater over all my t-shirts. Why? Cause i get cold very easily [[clammy hands!!]], and i dont like getting sick. therefore the sweater helps me keep nice and warm, and also its very fluffy and comfortable. i lay my head on it when i take naps in class. what am i really good at?? i dont seem to have too much of a hobby, designing things for websites?? im not too great at that. writing poetry, its not the best stuff in the world to earn me money. teaching? sometimes i'll get impatient. im not athletic, and with my stupid condition i doubt i'll be able to move around much. and then i was wondering.. when i have a baby, will it really affect my conostronchdritis?? if it does, that means it will be VERYpainful to give birth. it'll feel like im having a heart attack, and then along with all the birth pains...wow. i could probably die from exhaustion or some shit like that. i'll have to make sure and look into that sort of thing before i get busy in bed. hee hee. im tired.

07/02/01 Wednesday 7:36pm >>>A mind of her own<<<
today my hair was made to look like i was some bjork wanna be. it was nice. it took some getting used to also...but after about 8 minutes i got used to it. even some of my teachers thought it was cute. im not a product made to be here to entertain everyone though. im glad they get a kick out of seeing me look weird, and hitting me. they dont hit hard. im sure i deserve it all, after all the times i've made fun of my lil sis. karma, its getting back at me. anyhoo.....i took a lil nap. my day was boring. aside from the hair thing. okay. i've gotta get going now. cause this person that i know.. *coughs* brother *coughs* is getting anal about me being on the puter he HAS to get on he says. =P someone want to take me into their home?? i can live under your porch if you'd like. just let me in to use the bathroom please. thanks.
11:20pm >>>Away Messages<<<
hey folks. im here in my room just doing nothing..thought i'd update my rambling a bit. to inform you that i am bored. today a friend of mine was talking to be about past relationships that i've had...it kinda made me feel a bit sad/happy. happy that i'm not stuck in an emotional rollercoaster, and sad that im not having any real emotions right now. ya know what i mean?? its kind of hard to explain. as much as you want something in your life, theres also that side of you that wishes it was gone. blah. my mind is just warped. i should get going to bed soon. cause i wanted to sleep more earlier then this. ....