convulsing-at-the-stoplight

Feb. 26 Monday 2:04pm ~ I'm driving my life ~
I know i havent updated lately, sorry bout that for my avid readers. Today i got out of school early because i have an appointment with Lulac, hopefully this time i'll get all the college shit out of the way. Lately i've been feeling better. I think the turning point was Thursday. Everything was just put under the microscope more then i had ever seen in recent times. I saw how i treated myself and the people around me, and i didnt like the way it was heading. So i've decided to change it all quite a bit; and it wont be too noticeable either i think. Lets see... The last time i updated was on Friday, and since then i've done the following..
Saturday i went to an art competition called VASE with my school. I didnt win anything of course, because both of my pieces werent too great, and when i spoke to the judges i just bullshitted the entire time. "When i paint, i paint with no regrets. Therefore i wouldnt change anything about it.." Load of crap. Then Sunday I went to church, and later that night saw the movie Hannibal. I heard it was going to be very gory and make me throw up, but it wasnt really either of the two. I didnt so much as gag. Maybe my mind has been decensitized too much [sp?]. We've got a guest staying over for a few days, she's nice. Hearing about her life makes mine sound like I live with Mr.Rogers or something. She's way off in Elm Street, and im in Sesame Street. There is someone who has told me before in my life that i shouldnt let someone fucking walk over me like a doormat..I've been very understanding and patient with them, and this time Im going to take their advice. I now know that even though they tell me they love me, they dont even know me too well. The lunch lady knows me better then she probably does. Either way, things in our life wont dramatically change..Its not like losing me as a friend makes people's lives far worse. I feel sick, my eye is itchy, the weather looks and feels like crap. Im listening to Only In Dreams, by Weezer..great song. So, I've gotta go
8:09pm ~ amnesia ~
The meeting with the Lulac office went great...except i forgot to ask her for one waiver fee form for this TASP test thing. I want to get out of paying for it...i'll just try calling her up and see if she can mail it to me or something like that. Sometimes being a minority has its advantages. Damnit, my mom wants me to go eat dinner, but im already so stuffed. Afterwards i went to the Galleria and ate icecream, and before that i ate at Burger King. Me = Stuffed. Mardi Gras i think starts tomorrow, of course i wont be going as usual...Maybe next year i'll go or something. Rachel gave me a blue bead necklace though that she got this weekend. That was nice of her. Blah. My throat feels funky, and almost all day i have been sneezing and blowing my nose. "I love to blow" Hee Hee. Oh yeah, im not eating dinner, but she made me pray with the family. Of course i pulled the ol trick of annoying my parents during the prayer.."Dear God, thank you so much for my friends and family..And for giving me A's and B's on my report card today. Even though i really deserved C's and D's. And thanks for letting me graduate pretty soon, and getting out of this house and being free...Amen" I looked up and my mom had this look on her face like she wanted to shoot me between the eyes. :)
10:12pm ~ blistered nose ~
Alright, that's it!! I say fuck to all pollen!! Sure it maybe a huge part in our ecosystem and crap...but look at how much damage it does to people!! JUST LOOK!! my nose is about to fall off!! i've blown it so many times, gawd!! im going to get blisters on it, and turn red, i just know it!! it stings and hurts, and i hate blowing it now. but its better then when i sneeze..the back of my throat feels all itchy and irritated when i sneeze. little fuckers [referring to pollen]. All of today i've been so tired..blah. the only times i felt fine were when i was around certain friends, or in cool clean aired areas. Interesting aye?

Feb. 27 Tuesday 3:59pm ~ Sail on By ~
just finished eating my mickeymouse heart shaped lollypop. i love those things!! If i were a Beatle..I'd probably want to be John. Although he was killed and all, he was still brilliant and very cute. ;) the pollen count in this area is about 7.3!! i hate it i hate it!!! i want it all to be burned away or some crap like that. i love exaggerating when im sick. makes things more interesting...i dont really care if it comes off as whining. today in creative writing class i ate too many cookies. we had a read-around, where everyone in the class sits in the circle and reads something that they wrote. 99% of what everyone read was like depressing.. in fact 2 people even started like crying towards the ends of their poems.. that made me sad. i wanted to go up to them and hug them forever or something. i havent really written any real emotional pieces in forever..in fact i havent written much poetry in a long time. eek, i stopped writing for awhile, was chatting w/some folk. its like 4:30 right now. Alright people. I dont really have to prove shit to anyone, but i just thought i'd say that I think that i am a good friend. The End. In conclusion..I love black and white film photos. [[pic of inside train, taken by paul]]

7:01pm ~ Take a Seat...Not Next to Me ~
i lost a part of myself in middle school. when a girl came up to me and told me why i didnt really have too many friends..and that my hair had split ends...that day i made the choice to try and fit in a bit more with everyone else. its not always fun sitting at the lunch table with the same one friend who always makes you feel like youre stupider then her. when i realized just how stupid my mistake was, i couldnt remember who i was before. ...now i sit around and wonder if i could be "the one" for everyone. i dont try and attain that, i just sit and think about if its possible to do it. it would tear me to shreds.... sitting in complete silence and having someone hold me... telling someone my deepest darkest secret, and knowing it'd never get out ... catching eye contact with someone during a depressing moment and feeling some comfort ... no words after a life changing experience ... music that moves you to the core and yet you stand still ... reaching out to hold someones hand for no reason ... having a great conversation that lasts for hours, and not wanting it to end ... trying to be deep, yet youre full of shit... acting dumb to get a complement out of someone ... giving out the best advice that you saved for yourself to someone else ... the end of a great relationship and feeling full ...

my allergies have gotten much better today i think. i didnt eat much at lunch again, which is kinda good, cause at least that way i save money!! ka-ching! ;) Hee Hee. I just love this Weezer song!! "Only In Dreams" Its too pretty people, download it!!I listen to it everyday i get home. Gets me in the mood...cause the weather right now fits in with it. Gray skies, humid, makes hair frizzy. I wont be able to update much right now i think, cause someone has to use the computer in a bit. nothing much went on today. it was just another school day as usual. was sleeping in 1st period economics class, took a quiz in english class. In art class we are working on some sort of weird thing.. blah, theres no real point in trying to explain it, because i wont be able to. Either way, it'll be cool once its done with. "but gravity always wins" -fake plastic trees, by Radiohead. I love em. One day when im older i'll probably be famous. Or at least that'd be pretty neat...i doubt it'll happen.
11:05pm ~ God's Acne Conspiracy ~
i am convinced that god has plotted to spread acne all around the world... today is ash wednesday, and for you folk who dont know what that is. well..to narrow it all down for you, its a very relgious day. theres a church service, and then at the end they put black ashes on your forehead in the shape of the cross. its all symbolic... i hated my mom for making me go, because i knoew if i didnt she'd punish me for it. so i hated being there, and i hated seeing all the hypocrits there..god. i dont hate religion entirely..i just question it a lot. and dont agree with a lot of the crap they make people believe. maybe once i get a bit older i'll start to appreciate it more, and even pass it on down to my children.

March 1 Thursday 4:14pm ~ New Kids On The Block ~
im watchin oprah on tv, and Jonathon, he used to be a member of NKOTB, is like having anxiety attacks. thats why he dropped out of the band...interseting story. people need to get informed more before they believe in their first judgement completely. i cant stay on that long. i gots to lend the puter to a buddy. ;) besides, i need to finish up filling out some applications and shit like that. for lent im being nicer to my sister. hee hee, something that seems easy huh? but for me i usually show her my love and affection by saying witty and somewhat rude comments to her. its only 40 days ...
7:07pm ~ T.V Saved My Boring Life ~
i get kind of nervous sometimes when im going to talk to someone on the phone that i've never talked to before. because im not quite sure if it will be a good phone experience or not. :) the end.
9:18pm ~ It's Shake And Bake, and I Helped! ~
i just ate some chicken, it was yum. im probably going to go watch tv, or go talk on the phone.

March 3 Saturday 12:00am ~ Like it was meant to be ~ ::pic by paul::
sometimes i worry about people...no. not sometimes. all the time. people might often get the impression that just because i dont talk to them for awhile, or ask how they are doing, that i dont care about them. as a matter of fact i seem to always care. even when i say "thats it, im distancing myself away from them for awhile so as not to deal with the stress" people. im always stressed. i cant tell the difference between a normal back, or a tense back anymore. it all feels the same to me...and im not sure if thats good. there are people out there that are probably jealous or wish they had my life, but sometimes i dont even want my life. right now there is a flood of questions and emotions going through me. i cant differentiate between them either, jealously, madness, anger, love, frustration, hatred, loathing.... right now it could be all of those and then some. i need to sleep and get rid of it all for awhile....
4:29pm ~ The Wretched ~
last night i think i had about 3 different dreams...but i cant quite remember what went on. oh well, it meant something to me when i woke up. i've been contimplating things too much lately, whether or not i want to get back into having a relationship or not with someone. i mean, it'd be nice to have someone that i like a lot there with me. but i doubt it'd even last long, because i'll be graduating soon, and maybe moving off to another city. right now im just immensely enjoying the company, you have no idea. sometimes i feel like its a sin, enjoying just sitting there with a person for over 2 hrs just talking and sitting close. doing nothing else but that, just enjoying the company and not wishing to be anywhere else or with anyone else. my hormones are being denied pleasure that they could easily attain.

everyone i know is always telling me that i need to get laid, and i could... but i choose not to yet. because i think that i know myself better then most people do. [at least i really hope i do.] anyways, enough about that. today i dont seem to be going anywhere, or doin anything. not only because i dont have any money, but because my mom wants to keep me locked in doing chores. in a way i guess i dont mind too much, because i've got a lot of cleaning done so far. and im updating my diary and getting some reading done as well. i love reading. the pic of the monkey with the words LIBERATION underneath it, was taken by Paul V. That boy has a lot of talent, i told him to take up some photography classes when he started college. He said he'd look into it. When people deny the talent that they have, i get frustrated. Because its like looking at myself. Im sure im good at doing something, im not quite sure what it is yet. But i know whatever it is, im not doing enough of it to get me going in life. right now, im not too sure what i want to be doing. i guess just sit around and think some more, or do things that'll take my mind off of disturbing thoughts. Judging people though, its like a human instinct. you cant help but judge someone on their appearance, because it just hits you out of nowhere. If you see someone thats all dirty and stuff on the side of the road you automatically assume that they are poor. Right? But i HATE it how you judge someone, and just leave it like that. People should try and make themselves aware of how the other person really is, by getting to know them, or people that know them very well. Then i bet most of the assumptions that you had about the person will go away or change. Unless you want to be stubborn and keep the first opinion you had...its your life, you make what you want of it. bitch and whine all you want, youre still going to keep on living it.
5:34pm ~ I Wanna Know ~
i just ate some chocolate covered rasians. [sp?]. right now im also listening to like r&b music. my lil sis is going through some trying times, and its hard for me to witness it all. because as her older sister i feel the responsibility of having to make her feel better, or be there for her all the time. she comes to me and talks out her feelings, and i dont know what to say. i guess she doesnt want me to say anything.. alright, i dont want to go into that too much, cause i love that girl so much, and i dont want to go broadcasting her personal stuff everywhere. ...Im a very paranoid person. when im home alone and doing something that i know i shouldnt be doing, or forgot to do something my parents asked me to do, i keep on hearing the car pull up to the driveway. or i think i hear the front door opening...shit like that. I wonder if i have some sort of weird mental condition that cant really be diagnosed because its too intricate to put down on paper. Hee Hee. Im full of shit. :)

March 4 Sunday 3:00pm ~ Burning Skin ~
one of my uncles from mexico is comin over in a few minutes. he is here in town for a conference of doctors or something. he is super rich..at least thats what my mom said. cause he lives in a mansion. my mom of course is making us clean the house up like crazy before he gets here. she's nuts. i feel like throwing books out of the window and screaming "I love tv!!" dont ask me why. its not really how i feel though. just somethin i want to do. im bored out of my mind..i want to explode.
4:16pm ~ Crazy!!! ~
my mommy is outside cooking bbq for my uncle. he is pretty nifty. i talked to him about doctor stuff. i cant spell his profession, because its difficult. but he is one of those dudes that wakes you up from your sleep after surgery. yep, he looks like a doctor, he wears neat soft sweaters. just like bill cosby did on the cosby show!! i was just reminded that next week is spring break!!!!!! for a whole week i have no idea what i'll be doing. but something tells me that i'll just end up sitting on my ass doing nothing..i should go get a job. yeah. good idea.
9:14pm ~ Hair Band Rainbow ~
im updating my page now!! isnt that just spiffy? :) it gives me a cheap thrill, updating. cause i know that there are people reading what my brain produces. someone told me today that im very interesting because i dont think about what i say before i say it. i just blurt out "incoherant babble" thats what they said. in a way i see that to be..good and bad. good, because it means im free spirited, and bad because sometimes what i blurt out either hurts people's feelings, or makes me out to be retarded sounding. my uncle gave my lil sister and me a loooong speech, it was over an hour, about "time is of the essence" and how we should perfect our spanish speaking skills, cause it'll give us an advantage over everyone else. after he gave us that speech i went into my parents room and started crying. why was i crying i thought? i knew why. because i felt somewhat ashamed of myself.... i dont speak enough spanish, maybe im being too considerate of my non-spanish speaking friends, so i dont speak it around them. but in all honesty, sometimes i feel uncomfortable speaking in spanish around some people, because i know im not 100% correct all the time when i speak. and my accent doesnt sound really hispanic, and that doesnt matter i know. as long as i know who i am thats all that matters. but when i think about my life, it seems like i dont concentrate too much on my hispanic upbringing part of my life. which is something thats sooo huge and important. i dont want to have to cry about feeling guilt towards my heritage anymore.. and its not that i was ever ashamed of it, or try to hide it. i just dont express it as much as i know i probably should. i'll write more in a sec.. alright, im back now and i feel more full. i ate some chicken nuggets. aight folk. voy tratar de hablar mas espa�ol. [im going to try and speak more spanish] because it'll be good for me. and im not doing it for profit, like christina auguilera did.. ew. Anyhoo, i know a band that aint soldout really. RADIOHEAD!! and i love em to bits and pieces. their music puts me in this clear set kinda mood. its great. the pic down below is of Thom Yorke, the lead singer of the band. he writes most of the lyrics.

i lurves me my music! and im going to try and read more people. not just in spanish, but other good books. so send me a list of books that i should read if ya want. email them to me. ;) okay, now i shall be off to think up of other things to ramble about later on. stay true to yourself, and "time is of the essence" YOU should control time, not the other way around.
10:38pm ~ Bloody Wanker ~
the house is finally quiet. but i dont expect for this to keep up for too long, because soon more people will come back into this place. my uncle was smoking cancer sticks in the house, something that happens maybe once in a blue moon in this house. it was giving me a headache.. but im aight now. i was actually doing some of my homework earlier people!!! isnt that amazing? i like hardly ever ever ever do my homework. of course...i didnt finish it up. ha ha. "this is my final fit, my final bellyaching" oh, i love that song. if you guess what it is, then kudos to you!! where is this page going anyways? am i really working for a certain look? i durno. either way, i like fiddling around with the pictures and making them look dark. "i wanna rock and roll all night! and party everyday!!" now if you get that song, then more kudos to you. cause its a much older song. ...oh neet, i just found someone online whose screenname is "foam" isnt that nifty? well at least i think it is. im easily amused. i drum on myself a lot. sometimes i think it'd be a dream to just pick up some drum sticks and start banging my lil heart out. and having it sound great. and everyone will say "wow jessica! youre a grrrrreat drummer!" then i'd make tons of money cause i'll join a grrl rock band ;)

March 5 Monday 5:30pm ~ Provactive ~
dont you ever get that feeling of goosebumps over you sometimes? like you know something is going on, or is going to happen? i got that feeling over me a few hrs ago..i durno why. hopefully everything is okay. i had written a long rambling awhile earlier, but stupid me didnt save it!! and it was great too..i think. the lil quirks that people have... thats always interested me. sometimes the quirks can make or break a relationship, so you better hurry up and realize these things head on. dont want to come out looking like a complete fool when the relationship is over or something. uh..am i sounding pessimistic? im going to change my page up a bit. add some art in here if some friend is willing to let me showcase it on my site. uhm..oh yeah! my grrreat friend ashley gave me an awesome magazine today, with an article of RADIOHEAD in it, and the front cover had thom yorke on it. and it came w/a sampler CD that had 3 iblips from RADIOHEAD. :) when i saw it i wanted to make love to her right then and there!! im telling you..i love em, and i love that girl!!
7:28pm ~ I'll be your Superqueen ~
Stumbleine
by: smashing pumpkins
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Boredoms in the bathroom shaking out the loose teeth - Sally's in the stirrups claiming her destiny -And nobody nowhere understands anything - About me and all my dreams - Lost at sea - Jack it up judy set your heart alight - Mayfair mistress of the satellites - Misspent youth- faking up a rampage - To hold off the real slaves - Paid off and staid - And what you never knew - Can never get to you - So fake it
I'll be your stumbleine - I'll be your super queen - And make you - Jukebox fuckup hanging round the drugstore - No matter what you say he'll be back for more - Mommy's in the manger with the little kids - She's got her reasons, got my forgets - Of tears and idle threats
Misplaced - And no matter what they do 0 They can't get to you - So fake it - I'll be your stumbleine - I'll be your super queen - And make you me - Come around ruby I could never sleep alone ...
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the way the song sounds and moves..thats how i feel right now.
10:09pm ~ Cheesecake ~
i want to stop asking so much of myself. what makes me feel or think that i have to always expect the best..yet always seem to dissapoint myself on purpose?