10/26/00 thursday right now i can feel nothing but disbelief. in myself. in my life. in my choice. inside. all thats running around my head right now is why why why. am i too much to ask for. am i a bad gal. why am i suppose to choose my words more carefully. why cant i shutup sometimes. why am i...why. i just cant see the thing thats made this all come crashing down. things were fine. things were fine. things were fine. everything was going nicely. around one pm i noticed myself feeling a bit flustered, depressed. when did it all come crashing down? i want to wake up tomorrow and know that everything is going to be alright. everything has to be alright or i'll just die. i'll die inside. and i'll become this piece of fruit that just sits there to be looked at. yeah okay. many hrs have passed, many hours. at least..8hrs. i was very depressed. and maybe i still am, but its being repressed. anyhow, now im like "WHATEVER" im just sitting here, talking to a great friend. if  thomas wants to dump me, and not even call me to try and work things out. then fine. i guess i can wait if he wants. i bet he is upset. i have no real idea why. because he didnt tell me. i think that he thought i was cheating on him or something,i have no real idea. but "WHATEVER" ya know. im a good enough person to realize if someone really cares about you. yep. im waiting thomas...are you ever going to tell me whats going on?? its not healthy for me to be in denial of this breakup. im not ashamed or afraid to admit that I WAS DUMPED OVER THE PHONE. *sigh* maybe i'll stop here. or else i'll start to cuss a lot and say evil things about people. yeah. the end. ps. i would just like to say I LOVE YOU!!!! to all of my friends, and family, for trying to help through this rough and weird thing....it just takes time...

::my ramblings::

10/28/00 Saturday Things haven't been too great for me lately. It's hard trying to face the fact that thomas broke up with me. Since it happened so fast, it's almost like it didn't happen. But...it did. I'm still not sure if he'll ever want to rethink it, or if he is too upset to even reconsider what he did. And im split between what i should do. Most people are telling me that if he would even think of me as ever cheating on him, then he never really trusted me. Everyone knows that i would never cheat on someone. I believe that trust is like the most important thing in a relationship, and if he cannot learn to trust me..then i guess it is the end of the relationship. I'd probably still want to go on being his friend, he is really nice [aside from this irrational action he has commited]. *SIGH* Why is it that i have not done anything wrong? Yet he broke up with me? It doesnt make any sense... hello again. yay! things are going great now. yes. thomas called me up today and we talked things out. he finally got my side of the lil story...im glad now. no more frowny! :) hee hee. and also...i get to go to the concert tomorrow with him!!! isnt that awesome??!! ^_^ woohoo!!

[back to bacon]    [rambling menu]

10/30/00 Monday tomorrow is Halloween. It's also my friend muna's 18th b-day!!! yay muna!! yesterday i went to Fall Jam. it was awesome! i was pretty quiet and "spaced out" looking, but that was the result from: nausea, people watching, deep thinking. Yep. especially the nausea. the bands rawked, i'll put down the name of the bands that i remember. b/c right now i feel crappy::days of the new, disturbed, u.p.o, godsmack, kenny wayne shepard, stp:: they all pretty much rawked. there were tons of people there, some friends from school as well. it was raining, but luckily i didnt get too wet. now im like suffering the aftermaths. hee hee. my throat feels bad, i feel even more nausous, im very tired, and i think im going to get sick...but it was worth it. i had to go to the nurses office 2 times today. my parents got back from mexico yesterday too. my mom was worried b/c we didnt call her during the concert, and we got home like around 12 or 1am. hee hee. what a worrywart. oh well. we are doing fine. seems a lot of people have been mad, sad, and sick lately...maybe its that darn time change. one thing i noticed at the concert [which i've noticed at the other ones i've gone to] is the fact that some people go to the concerts just to socialize. i mean, it seems like they know the names of the bands, but thats it. and they leave before the concert ends, and other crazy shit like that. it drives me nuts. oooh yeah! scott weiland. GOOD GOD!! his body is mmmm, he must work out a lot. ;-) hee hee. he is a very great performer, he came out wearing a big fro wig. hee hee. then he took it off to reveal that he had shaved all his hair off! =O i know shocking huh? but it suited his hot ass well. ;-)  personally i think i dont know how to dance very well, and i dont really care all too much what people think about it. last night if the music was getting to me i just danced, stp made me dance a lot. i was really getting into their stuff, its one thing to hear it on a radio while taking a shower. its another to actually have thousands of hot bodies around you dancing and singing along with you and the band. maybe if i got enough practice, i could be a stipper! *laughs* j/k. ^_^ cant think of much else to write about now...so i shall depart. adios! slán! guten tacht! :-) im sure i messed up one of those .... 5hrs have passed, and i am writing again. i was just doing stuff around the house. eating, watching tv, and i dont remember what else. so maybe at that time i was ubducted by aliens...yeah. my dad showed us a video of some of our relatives in mexico. i think my grandma might be coming to visit us this weekend. i think that'll be great!! because i havent seen her in a long time, and i think the last time she came to houston was when i was around 8yrs old? yeah. thats almost 10yrs ago! the altitude makes her sick i think. :( my grandma rawks! she doesnt really like my dad all too much. hee hee. she never liked him since the first day she saw him she said. hee hee. how awesome. :-) yep. everyone is sick, tired, mad, sad....its strange. you know what i really miss? the enjoyment of halloween. yep. i used to have loads of fun trick or treating...but its changed. the adults dont look at you the same when you come to the door. they look more annoyed or something. like "uh! youre not a kid!" hey! i think deep down inside we are all kids. *grin* im so full of it. hee hee. j/k. gawd! i slept so much today, yet im still tired. i think im going to go to bed. ....love ya'll!!

10/31/00 Tuesday Today is halloween!! Is that not the best thing ever?!! Uhm..well probably not. Hee hee. But you get the point, free candy! [just make sure that there are no needles and drugs in it..] I thought i'd spruce up this lil entry for today, by putting like...halloween type colours. Black and Orange. Yep. i know a guy who hates the colour orange..so if youre reading this. Sorry! ^_^ Today is my friend Muna's b-day, and also Ryan's b-day! Happy 18th b-day to the 2 of them!!! They rock!! :-) Today school was interesting, i ate a lot. Whew, candy galore! I could have eaten more, but i played it safe and didnt eat the pizza..Mmm, it smelled so yum...here is what i did eat today so far: turkey cheese sandwhich doritos rice crispy treat smarties sprees jolly rancher lollipop sunkist pizza and i also drank pepsi, sprite, and water. now..it may not sound like a lot to ya'll. and me either now that i look at the list..but im sick. and so it feels like my tummy might explode..or at least my throat, cause it hurts. im going over to my friend ashley's house to help her pass out candy. yep. i wasnt ever really huge on the whole trick or treating thing. they dont even give you big candy bars! [unless they are very rich and nice]. i dont feel much like dressing up. i'll just like..wear a tank top and that spiked collar. hee hee. :-) well i should get going now, ash will be picking me up soon. hope ya'll all have a safe and happy hal-o-ween! ^_^

11/1/00 Wednesday The day after Halloween. It's not as great. Most of the people's candy is gone. Some people wake up to a house covered in toilet paper and eggs. And some figure out that the laughs they got from their costumes werent "we are laughing with you" laughs. Everything is peachy keen though. Seems i dont really have problems in my life. Lucky me aye? So i dont really have much to bitch about now...only about stupid stupid school. It is stupid. The end. Hee Hee. There was this Speech test im suppose to take sometime this week, i havent studied for it. and i dont even know when it is. Im lagging behind in everything, and im doing it because i dont really care. that's bad isnt it? i should care. scary...i thought i just saw someones reflection behind me in the computer screen....eek! it's wednesday night! and some of my favorite tv shows are coming on..not yet though. :) so i'll continue to type. I have this friend...i love them very much. They mean the world to me. And lately i've been bumming them out. I'm sorry. I've already apologized, but i figured it'd also help if i did it for the whole world to see. I'd do anything for them...well almost. Hee hee. ^_^ Okay...i should get offline now. I've been on too much, im hogging up the puter for my lil sis. *grin* As always...hope ya'll didnt find any needles or drugs in your candy stash!! Mwa!

11/2/00 Thursday Apparently i missed the season premiere of The Simpsons. I love that show...oh well. im over it. heh. Have i mentioned how hard it is for me to remember the things i did during the day..i have to sit here for a few minutes to actually remember what i did in each class. That's bad. I think maybe its this cold season..its getting darker outside earlier, and people are getting sick and grumpy. It doesnt add up to fun. We watched a video on the CIA in goverment class. It made me paranoid, now i think that everyone but me is a spy for some other country....IM FREAKING PARANOID!! Aside from that, our school has now enforced that stupid rule of wearing our fucking ID badges. yes. You may think, "oh, well just carry it in your wallet" No! These mofos make us WEAR THEM on a stupid string or clip to our bodies. they must be visible or else we cant go to class. What kind of fucked up rule is that? It's gay ass i say. they like practically FORCE you to sign this paper saying that you agree to it, or else they'll like stab you with pencils and erasers till you die!! And why do you ask they are doing this?/ Because of stupid Columbine Highschool. All the mass hysteria made the parents call up our school and ask that they do something to protect us students, make our enviroment more safe. They think that with the IDs it'll lower the amount of tresspassers to our school. How stupid. The boys who shot the kids at that school were from that same school!! Our pictures are all stupid looking anyways. I think they are a HUGE waste of money, our school needs better computers and books, but since the parents REALLY wanted this, they used up all that money  on these cheap plastic cards. VERY GAY. i wrap mine around my wrist, and keep it under my jacket arm. If a teacher asks for me to wear it, i simply point out that i am. It is wrapped around my wrist, they cant object to that. Haw haw. :) And i make it visible only when they MAKE me do it. Im not much of a rebel, i mostly follow the rules, but i try to break them once in awhile. *grin* Ah yes, im also now sick. I still have to go to school though. My mom always makes us go to school unless we are like realllly sick. Like constantly throwing up, or have a fever, or are too unstable to even talk. Other then that, if we are sneezing like crazy, have a huge runny nose, itchy eyes, hurt stomach, threw up at least once...SHE'LL STILL MAKE US GO TO SCHOOL!! isnt that crazy? I say people like her are what keep the germs circulating, and make huge sick epidemics run rampant in our schools. *sniff sniff* My nose has been runny all day, and my throat feels funny. :) hee hee. Other then that im fine. Did i mention that thomas and i both decided to break up on tuesday? Yeah, well we did. We are still friends, and im very glad about that. :) He is super sweet and cool to me. I love the fella ^_^ Hee hee. So yeah, i'll probably stay single for quite some time....*blushes*

11/3/00 Friday Wow, its friday, doesnt really seem like it does it? Well, today has been great and strange. All at the same time. Today we got in 15 visitors to my little casa. They are all aunts, uncles, cousins, and my grandma. :) They'll be staying here till Sunday i believe, just to visit a cousin in the hospital who had a baby. The baby had to have open heart surgery once it was taken out of the mommys tummy. [it'd be really nice if you said a prayer for them, thanks]. I'm going to be studying a lot this weekend, so i wont really have time to spend with them. kinda sucks, but i really do need to pass this test. I'm trying to take a test out of Speech class exam. So that i'll be able to take Creative Writing second semester as well. it's an awesome class. Today a friend of mine got in a lot of trouble due to drugs. Yes i dont care if they read this, or if you read it. Its got to be said. Dont be stupid like that please. Its not smart acting all fucked up in school, when you can really get caught. As they did today. Hopefully they'll get better....i care about them a lot. Which brings up another thing. I was talking to someone today about caring about friends and stuff. I love all my friends VERY much, and i'd do almost anything for them...but it gets kind of hard to take care of them all the time. especially when you help them, but they either dont thank you for it, or dont even try to help themselves. It is not fair to me, or them either. So for the time being i'm just going to care as much as i can, until i cant handle it anymore. *sigh* Look at me any way you want..I know who i am, and how i can be. It'll all be alright... As for the stupid ducks that i have to draw in art class....I'm terrible at art, its very hard for me to put what i see in my head on paper visually. I'm better at expressing it through words i think. I should start to see what interest me. Right now i dont have any plans for after highschool. I havent even sent off any applications to college, and i should have sent off at least 3 by October. Blah. I'm sure i'll be alright...yeah...ill be alright.

11/4/00 Saturday I'll be heading off to my friend ashley's house in awhile. my house is a bit too crowded for my liking. there are approximately 20 people in my entire house. that's way too many i say. my grandma is one of them, i dont mind her, she rocks! i love her to bits. :) aside from that, i cant really wait till they leave. whenever people stay over i kind of feel like its not my house anymore, its strange walking into the kitchen or the restroom...especially the restroom *laughs* eww *shudders* things seem to be picking up for me now. im actually studying for that speech test, im going to be mailing off an application for Stephen F. Austin. If i dont get accepted thats alright, im sure i can always just go to community college. it'd be neat to one day move in with someone. just so i can have my own place with a friend or something. :) that'd mean me getting a job, which i can do later on i feel. i love caramel machiatos once they are melted. hee hee. im not a coffee drinker. mmmwhipcream. ;) i think it would be neat to one day move to italy and open up a bed and breakfast by the meditteranean sea. if that ever happens to me...i'll die happy. i should be off now. i'll probably return later and write more about my day. okay. many an hour has gone by..hee hee. it rained today! yeah, i like rain. on friday my friend muna and i both ran out in the rain during school. hee hee, that was cool. i had to go spray this piece of dry pastel artwork that i had done, [it was of a duck] so we had to go outside and spray it. it was cool. :) i have to get going now. my dad needs to use the computer *gags* i'll say more later. Mwa!!!