Pre-School

16> Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of "Lord of the Flies."

15> Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants.

14> "OK, kids! Gather 'round the upside-down pentagram for sing-a-long time!"

13> Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.

12> First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa reward prize.

11> No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.

10> Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.

9> Leather-clad teacher announces that the letters for today are S and M.

8> Two words: Full Montessori

7> The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.

6> She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.

5> Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.

4> For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.

3> "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.

2> The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila."

and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Put Your Kid in the Wrong Pre-School...

1> On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."