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16. You keep losing lit butts down the hole in your windpipe.
15. That lung in your lap after your last coughing fit.
14. Your name is between "Southeast Asia" and "Europe" on the 1997 Phillip Morris Shareholder's Report.
13. Counting "Camel Points", you're now worth than Bill Gates.
12. You spend more standing time outside of your office building than the landscaper does.
11. No ashtray option on that monogrammed iron lung you wanted to buy with your Marlboro Points, anyway.
10. You're no doctor, but "Cancer of the Cancer" doesn't sound like good news.
9. Elbow-length nicotine stains now function as gloves for your evening gown.
8. You're a neo-left-wing NEA funded performance artist in the Mapplethorpe tradition, but you wish everyone would get off of Jesse Helm's back about this tobacco thing!
7. 1977: Miss Teen Ohio. 1997: Runner-Up, Marge Schott Look-Alike Contest.
6. You've convinced yourself that tobacco counts as a serving of vegetables.
5. Motorized tie rack retrofitted with donor lungs mounted on your left arm.
4. Before entering prison, the notion of trading your virginity for a pack of Camels would never have occurred to you.
3. No takers for your new invention, the Shower Ashtray.
2. Constantly bitching about the No Smoking policy in the Neo-Natal ICU.
and the Number 1 Sign You Should Quit Smoking...
1. After you sneeze, your hankie looks like a Dalmatian.