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1. Carry a toilet aboard the plane. Tell the flight crew that you have to carry it aboard with you. Offer to sit on it during the flight.
2. Select a flight attendant. Every time she walks by, make a face as though something smells really bad.
3. Ring your call button. When the flight attendant responds, speak in gibberish. Become more agitated and animated as she becomes more frustrated in her attempts to understand you.
4. When the captain announces "if there's anything we can do to make your flight more comfortable...." ring and ask that the row of seats in front of you be removed.
5. After the safety presentation, when they tell you that your flight attendant will be coming by to answer any questions you might have, take them up on the offer. Ask questions that no one can answer, like what you say to God when He sneezes. Even better, act as though you have a short attention span and ask them to repeat parts of it.
6. Ask if you can put on your oxygen mask now, just in case.
7. Take the airline magazine and provide your own captions for the pictures and add your own footnotes to the articles. Be as creative and vulgar as possible. At the end of the flight, leave the magazine on board for the next person.
8. If you're seated in the exit row on a crowded airplane,
as you're taxiing out to the runway, ring your call button
and tell the flight attendant that you have an indiscernable
condition that would prevent you from performing the
activities listed on the safety card, and would like to be
reseated.
(WARNING: Don't do this on New York-bound flights).
9. If you are sitting next to a particularly chatty person, the following are good ways to shut them up:
* pull out a pornographic magazine and make graphic comments
about the models.
* as soon as it is practical, take out a notebook and pen
and begin to write obscenities and satanic slogans and draw
satanic objects. This is especially
effective if you use a very smelly magic marker.
* fall asleep with your head on their shoulder.
* assume the lotus position and begin to chant.
At the hotel:
1. Take the pens out of the room and replace them with pens from another hotel chain.
2. If you are placed in a room where there are two beds, and one of the beds has been turned down, stack all of your luggage and dirty clothes on that bed and sleep in the other. If there's only one bed, make it look as if you've slept on the foldaway bed, sofa, chair or on the floor.
3. Leave your "do not disturb" sign on the room all the time, even when you've gone out for the day.
4. Write notes to the maid in soap on the mirror in the bathroom.
At the restaurant:
1. If the hostess asks you "smoking or non-smoking?" tell her you don't care. If she insists, ask for one of each.
2. Bring your own food.
3. At some point during the meal, ask your server for another knife. Tell them "this one's so dull, you couldn't cut a fart with it."
4. Move the things on the table around as if they were chess pieces. If the server tries to take something off the table, slap their hand and tell them "THAT'S IN PLAY!"
5. If the restaurant in your hotel is particularly fancy, come down to dinner in your jeans and t-shirt. If they tell you that the restaurant requires a coat and tie, go back to your room and return wearing a jacket, tie and boxer shorts.