August 1999
August 1, 1999
Count the cost.
I have been growing up for 19 years, and I hope I'll be growing up until I'm a 100. I've been growing as a Christian for around 5 of those years. One of the things I learn about on a daily basis is temptation. You see, one of the tricky things about temptation is that it doesn't look very often like anything bad. It's "a little white lie" or something similarly innocent. It dresses itself up to the point that it even looks right! From the lyrics of a Bliss Root song ( don't remember which ) "I never knew death could smell so sweet".
It gets so that I've been hammered from every angle by a certain type of temptation, so that I recognise it coming 3 miles away. Then the temptor plays a little game and congratulates me on a job well done for resisting that temptation, then slips a covered dish to me as a reward.. My hand is actually reaching to open it up before it registers what must certainly be under the lid. For what can a temptor give but more temptation?
August 10, 1999
Today is my parents' 26th ( I think ) wedding anniversary.
One of the nicest things that happens to me now and again is also one of the more uncomfortable. I mean, when after having "grown up" for many months, I have come to realize something or I've changed perspectives. It is so nice to do that for obvious reasons. But it's also frustrating because it seems like most of these things are quite simple.. Things I should have realized a long time ago. But, that's just the way things work, I suppose.
What I'm talking about right now is dating. I have realized all at once what I've suspected secretly for months. What it all comes down to is fear and feelings of inadequacy. I'm not about to go into all of it because there are certain things that I think shouldn't be available for public perusing. In general though, I'm saying that I think I'd make a real lousy person to date. My standards for who I would date are higher then the standards by which I live my own life. Sortof. I don't know. I think maybe I meet these standards most of the time.. and it would simply not be possible to meet them all the time. I *am* human. ( I say that sometimes to remind myself )
This really led to a restructuring of my standards a couple of months ago. To boil it down, I accepted in a complicated manner that no one was perfect ( least of all me ) and that I was going to be quite dissapointed if I expected anyone ( especially me ) to be perfect. Anyway, I'm rambling.
There are two real enemies. The Status Quo in my character( which is an enemy in everyone's life ), and my fear. Experience and perseverence will defeat the first, and faith will defeat the second, just as faith has defeated all the problems in my life associated with what originally caused that fear.
August 11, 1999
What I have to say just can't be considered complicated. It's a simple truth that I ( yet again ) ought to have picked up a long time ago.
In the whole band of religions, the Bible contains a narrow band of truths. But on a more local level ( viewing it as a Christian ) it's texts can be used to prove any number of things. The lesson for today is that not many of these conflicts can be ended by mere scholarship. There is always point and counter-point. It is an exhausting and disillusioning exercise to determine which has merit. Giants of men with regard to their qualifications and intellects fight these academic battles. How can I say who is right? I've heard before that all reasoning must eventually come about to form a circle, and I think this is true. So I suppose if one could find which perspective operated in the largest and most encompassing circle, he'd be able to determine truth. Though I don't think I'm a fool, I'm certainly no genius. When the academics of our time can't determine a single truth through reason, again, how can I analyze the things they've said and hope to determine which one contains the greatest meaning and information?
Fortunatly, it isn't all like that. Read your scholarly books and articles. Go on. For there is something to be said for the intellect. But in the end you can be sure that we only understand what God wishes us. ( obviously, for as I said above, no one set of scholars seems to be able to pin-point precise, objective truth in many subjects with any agreement ) So what tool do we have? What is the measuring stick? I say, the Holy Spirit. Educate yourself in these issues, but banish the thought that you will determine truth with your mind alone. Humble yourself and the Spirit of God will comunicate the truth to you in His timing. Know that a personal relationship with Him is far, far greater then understanding the great mysteries we've made for ourselves. I do hope this won't be taken as a simplification or down playing of deep theological study. For that is not at all my intention. All I hope is that in the future I will concern myself more with being still in the Lord and learning a bit experentially, then confirming it with scripture, rather then trying to force my intellect on the Word of God.
But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.
--John 16:13 NASB
August 23, 1999
Tell me I'm not all things to all people..
Sometimes I feel trapped by some people who've come to rely on me as a pillar of support. some of you reading this doubtless laugh when you read that.. but it's true. There are a few poeple out there crazy enough to hvae done just that.
The problem is, I have to defer to someone. And I think the stress is, I no longer trust the people I used to trust. I don't want them to see my weakness. But they sense that I've closed off, and they think perhaps that I no longer care for them.
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Contact me: adam.stephens@ttu.edu