December 1998


December 10, 1998
Romance. Super, right? Women certainly seem to enjoy it. I know I did at one time. It's hard to say what happened exactly..I just grew up and stopped. Now, when I say I grew up, that doesn't mean that I think I'm superior to those who are still romantic. Not at all. To the contrary, I admire poets and their kind, for they have an ability to touch and convey their own feelings in a way that I will always be uncomfortable with.
I was just thinking about it, though. I saw a TV ad the other day. A man was talking about some jewelry shop, for those of us who aren't romantic. They idea being that jewelry is romantic, and so by going to this shop, we give off the impression that we too are romantic. Anyway, I think that's better then romance any day. The fact that this poor fellow has recognised that his wife would like a little romance now and again, and is going to some trouble to make her happy. He isn't doing some strange form of poetic self-gratification, he's thinking of his spouse. So in a way, I'm pleased to not be a romantic, so that I will have this oppurtunity, perhaps. If I ever get married.
December 11, 1998
President Clinton. I, like many people, have formed an opinion. Let me start off by saying that I do consider myself of a Republican leaning, but this really doesn't have much of anything to do with what I think. For a time, I believed impeachment was too far...
It goes w/o saying that the actions of our congress in this matter will set a precedent. They are in effect changing history, the way the constitution is interpreted, and the attitude toward the office and person called Commander in Chief. This, however, is no reason to be afraid. Wary, perhaps, but certainly not afraid.
The President carried on an extra-marital affair. This, unfortunatly, is not enough to remove him from office. Military officials can be removed, drummed out, discharged, whatever bcause of impropriety..Is their Supreme Commander any less bound by the rules they follow? Sadly enough, this is the case.
The President is accused of perjury. He lied in front of a Grand Jury. This is no longer a question of abstract morality, or one's personal ethics. It's a question of the LAW. Any other citizen in this country would do time for this, but for some reason, we've beat around the bush for months.
Constitutional scholars, historians, lawyers, and other experts have spoken in front of the impeachment committee. The majority insist that the consitution, law, and founding fathers do not provide for a President to be removed from office under these circumstances. Only when he has committed "high crimes and misdemeanors(sp)" may he be removed. Only when he has abused his power, irreperably destroyed the integrity of the office, committed a treason.
Other's have said that we simply can't impeach the president for something so frivolous because it would halt the government for months while it focused on the impeachment and trial. In essense, we're admitting that something wrong was done, but is it so bad that we need to inconvenience ourselves this much to take care of it?
I've also heard about the polls. 70 or 80 percent of the population believe he shouldn't be impeached. Do what the people say, because they are the government. The government has no place doing things against the poeple's will.
The president lied to protect himself from humiliation, the humiliation that would come from a public knowledge of an affair. The president didn't simply "mislead" out of his ignorance of the very obvious connotation carried by the phrase "sexual activity." If that were true, he should be run out of Washington for failing to grasp what most junior high students would have no difficulty with. I don't see the difficulty in finding this to be a major hit to the respect that the office of President should carry.
Pragmatacism should not always dictate action. There are times when against all odds, and with great cost, we have moved forward on principle. We incited a rebellion by bending the truth to sway public opinion because we were being taxed somewhere around one percent JUST because we weren't being represented. Truth and right is not determined using a cost-benefit analysis. Truth and Right is constant. If the government shuts down, so be it.
We elect leaders because we trust them to make the right decisions. We don't elect them, then wait for an important decision to come around, then insist we follow popular opinion against their better judgement. We choose these men and women because we believe they know how to govern. THIS is the idea held by the founding fathers. They believed that the government was of the people, but that the common man does not always know what is best. Our leaders are not perfect, but they're not all wrong, either. As a matter of fact, there is a contingency plan to take care of the occasional unscrupulus leader. It's called impreachment.
What we're seeing here is the result of a gross degeneration of morality in the United States, resulting in an expanding of our capacity to accept any and all activities, regardless of right. It's very much like a pyramid of immorality. We're slowing but surely relabeling everything we used to think of as wrong, and in the process, broadening the base of what's allowed. It's easy to understand that as the base grows, the height of the peak grows with it. It's unlikely that we'll notice just how tall it is before it's too late. In the name of "open-mindedness," we as a country are willing to accept in the highest office of our land a type of infidelity that we would proudly condemn our neighbors for, then later gossip about.
December 14,1998
I am most of the way out of the private little sheol Texas Tech has generated for me ( Finals week ).. 5 down and 1 to go..Hoorah.
Anyway. This has set me to thinking about a private project. The current endeavor of UHAB..or at least myself and two others..is the ultimate computerized war game. We've played War Craft, Star Craft, Axis and Allies, Rebellion, Star Fleet Battles, and a whole host of other computer and board type strategy games. This has led us to one unanimous conclusion. They are all inadequate. They have been dumbed down and made unrealistic for the masses.
This is a summary of the problems we associate with commercially available war simulations: Having recognised these problems, we brainstormed and came up with WAR!. Due to it's complexity, and the fact that we are all the equivalent of first year computer science students, we have limited the first version to WWII era technology. We eventually would like to upgrade it to present day ( ie survellance satellites, nuclear weapons, etc ) and make a server/client version that will run over telnet. Here are a few of our ideas ( some are more solid then others..that is, we have models for them ) Now, if you're wondering how three guys are gonna pull this one off, bear this in mind. It will, first of all, have a text/menu based interface. A good portion of play will take place on gridded off paper maps. And, there's a strong chance we'll get bored with the idea before we even start coding. But if we see it through, I think it'll be months of fun.
Issues sometimes burn me deeply.
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5:23,24 (NIV).
The Bible speaks a great deal about anger and forgiveness. We are to forigive our those who hurt us. But in the verses above from Matthew, it says we are to seek out those who have something against us, and right the wrongs. This is so important that Jesus told his Jewish listeners that they were to "leave (their) gift there in front of the altar." so that they could go and be reconciled.
What about when by trying to reconcile a situation, you worsen it? I wish I knew. My way of thinking as I write this is that this is God's will, and I should do it and ask questions later.
December 16, 1998
The last final of the fall semester is today at 4:30 p.m. Praise Jesus. I have chosen chemical engineering as my particular and personal form of ritualistic abuse, and I fully intend to continue in my sufferings next semester.
Now though is a time to be happy. The last final I have studied well for, and I think I will do well. In honor of the fact that this semester is coming to an end, I have aquired for celebratory purposes a new brand of cigar in which I will partake after this most ugly of exams. Macanudo, for those of you who are familiar. It smells a bit weak, but maybe it'll turn out okay.
December 18, 1998
Little victories. By the way, I smoked that Macanudo, and I was not overly impressed.
Anyway, about little victories. I refuse to go into details, but I once again have a little praise. With each passing day, I'm growing past a little problem. Or at least I think I am. It's one of those things that has multiple causes, and I'm shooting them down one at a time. It was neat though, because I prayed a great deal about it, and while I was praying once, I realized that it didn't matter how much I prayed about it, God wasn't going to change the things that were causing this problem just because I prayed a little about it. It is my responsibility to move, not simply pray and sit there like a lump.
It reminds me of a joke my pastor, Dr. Prock, once told about Southern Baptists ( I am SB, so I can relate this joke )
It's basically a modification of the story of the Good Samaritan, but instead of a Samaritan coming along, a Baptist person does, and he says something to the effect of "Oh, man, you look like you've been mugged..just awful what people do to one another. I'll tell you what I'm going to do, i'm gonna go to church and organize a prayer committee just for you."
December 22, 1998
I'm calling it the 22nd even though it is officially the 23rd..albeit VERY early on the 23rd.
I have one question: How is that I always seem to generate problems with people that I would normally discuss my problems with? If one's confidant is the subject or primary factor in something he is dealing with..it makes it very difficult to speak to them as freely as one often would otherwise. If that makes sense.
December 23, 1998
The following is a brief venture back into the world of sharing what I feel in writing. I haven't done this in many months because it's always felt very wrong.

I've drank our poison
the stuff I know I shoulda steered clear of
It went down easy, and it tasted pretty nice
Or at least that's what I told myself

It's taken oh so long to rid myself of you
And even now I look around and see your face
It's in strangers, in my dreams, even in objects

Understand, it isn't obsession. I don't care any longer
It's just a part of the human mind and body
When you touch a flame, you get burned

Games, I think, were all they came out to be
I've heard it said it isn't whether you win or lose --
But we both played our hardest, and no one claimed victory
So does that axiom still apply here?

The senses now are warped and tourmented.
In many cases, I've tournicated them so they're ghostly pale
I find them still where I left them near death
Remarkably, they never seem to die.
They just become so weak that they're useless

Trust. Incredible trust and faith is more then small
There is no silver lining, no light at the end
For the lining, the light, is here, now, and penetrating.
The light is beckoning for my surrender.

There it is. *shrug*

December 27, 1998

Part I. The Fog

The battle line stands ready
The bowmen draw their weapons
The trumpeters display their pieces
The cavalry's horses stir beneath them

Then the fog rolls in, covering all
Armor seems to rust, swords seem to dull
The men and their horses grow weary

Fight the good fight
That's what I yell at them
Each time I say it, I scream
fight, fight, fight!
But my voice grows raspy and quiet
Sandpaper across old and pitted wood

In desperation I fall to my knees and weep
I cower, waiting for whoever sent the fog
Surely a foe so powerful will come to strike

But inside, in another place deep -
I know he won't. For he never has
It is his game to torment me with fog
A fog that should surely bring attack
but instead only brings uncertainty,
melancholy, and despair

Part II. The Blade

At long last I relinquish hurt like a cloak
Determined to rebel, to resist, I draw my own weapon
Cold and blue, the blade whistles as I slash thin air

I spin and leap as a dancer, full of grace
Yet deadly as a viper, my rage, my venom

Besotted with destruction, Intent on victory
My emotions, my attack, my parry, my movement
They begin to breath, their heart beat
They become an entity all their own

Then my eyes see the truth
This image of life and vigor and power
The good it does is nothing but an illusion
A sword is certainly worthless against the fog

At last I am again who I am
A boy with a blade, dilusions of grandeur
Flailing about in the misty lonliness
While his men stare at him with hollow eyes
Their faces displaying betrayal and disregard

Part III. The Sunlight

Stifling fog has settled on this place of battle
The battle place where no battle is fought
The men cast sullen glances all about as they disgard rations
Their hope is gone, their fervor wrung out

At long last their leader, the one they have trusted
The one who they have followed and sworn fealty to
Bends his knee and looks to the sky
Tears stream down his dirty cheeks and fall, crystalline
Raising his hands, he cries
Abba, Father

Sunlight breaks, washing out the fog, washing out their souls

Crestfallen, but radiant, he bows his head and weeps
tears that never touch the filthy ground
Tears that fall up, a tribute

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Contact me: adam.stephens@ttu.edu 1