January 2000
January 1, 2000
Happy New Year. Or something.
I'm going to regret later having written what I know I'll eventually write today, but I'm writing it anyway.
I hate the way something in your life can be over, a closed chapter, then can be brought back right in front of you with startling clarity. The past is over in reality, why can't it be in my head?
That's all I can write.
January 2, 2000
Yes, I have been slouching off on my Bible study. Learn to cope.
I did not add this bit to tell you what you already know. I have come to say something else.
I'm afraid of what I've done to myself. It takes more than one's mind to sort through so many convoluted ideas. It takes more then convoluted ideas to sort through emotions. When I take a little time to peer into my heart, I interpret so many different things, depending, I suppose, on my mood. It's just a senseless bundle of reactivities. If truth is in there, it is buried so deeply beneath the confusion, I could never sort it out. Other times I think that the mire itself is the truth. The very fact that I am confused, hurt, and disenchanted is a clear pointer. I'm supposed to be that way. I'm not supposed to always know what is going on, and I'm not supposed to understand it necessarily if I do.
I've been made timid by my own attempts to track down the truth. It seems as though every corridor I've taken has a dead end. At this point, I'm not even asking for a straight shot.. just a way through.
The worst part is, I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. If I knew, I'd stop. Am I supposed to be hunting like this? Should I just give up and listen to someone else's ideas? I don't think that's a good idea at all. I've seen too many of those people turn out to be frauds. Living the same sort of life that I live from time to time -- plagued by fear and misunderstanding but maintaining the outward facade of wisdom and happiness.
I want a joy that is unquestionable. I don't want to experience some vague emotion that I at once step away from and question. I want the clear path to objective joy. That will be my experential proof, so to speak.
Or am I all wrongheaded? Does the joy come when one is not looking for the proof? Does the joy not permeate one so completely that there is nothing left to question?
I'm afraid the answer to that question is that it depends. There are obviously times of stumbling, or perseverence would have no meaning.
But there must be times of absolute knowing or else it's all a sham. The product offers nothing more then any other set of ideas.. It is an anesthetic and not a cure.
I don't know how to conclude this. I could continue writing as the thoughts came to me, without organization. But I need to shower.
January 6, 2000
I met an old friend today at the store. He is a guy I admired when we were both in high school. I wish I could really get to know him again. There just is not the time.
It's been, well, several days since the last entry. I still don't know what I'm doing. I did realize earlier that I have allowed myself to slip back into a state of relaxation. Allowed myself to be lulled by temporary victory. Forgotten about perseverence. I knew from the start that life would be an uphill battle. It was unwise to forget that fact.
January 8th, 2000
This morning I am sitting down to write about what I have been thinking. Nothing out of the ordinary there. This entry might be quite long though.
I went with my father to our church's men's breakfast earlier today. Usually the men are entertained by some guest speaker. This morning was different. Three men were asked to share with the group accounts of how they had been blessed.
The husband of a math teacher I had in high school was the first to speak. He is the new father of a baby girl. She is several months old now, nearing a year, but still very young. As he related to us what being a father meant, he had to stop to collect himself.
According to him, no single event in his life had caused him to "grow up" more than having this child. As he poured out what was very likely a carefully prepared speech, it became evident that he had found what so many people find in very young children -- A new capacity to wonder and a new urgency to live life through the eyes of one who has yet to experience it. To put together the writings of Chesterton and Lewis, We are closest to eternity in the present, and no one lives for the present quite like a young child.
It reminded me personally of my own attempts to grow up. I reminded a dear friend of mine earlier in the year that there were no real end goals in life except perfection. We will never become perfect; the attempt to be so involves continuous striving and not, as is commonly thought, a difficult journey ending after a fashion in a plateau. In reminding her of this truth, I reminded myself of the very same.
In our finitude we seem to always forget this.
"If I could only go to church every Sunday life would go better."
"If I could only read the whole Bible in under a year, I would be so much wiser for it."
"If I could only treat this co-worker in a more Christ-like manner, all would be well."
I do not doubt that any of these persuits is a good one. One should seek to attend church often, to study the Bible regularly, and to treat all with love and kindness. One should not, however, believe that they will be justified with the completion of these goals. Going, studying, and doing does not bring real meaning to life when these activities are done for their own sake, but rather when they are done for the sake of the Lord. One must be cautious that he is acting for this reason and not to feel a sense of accomplishment. Those who the world considers a success have said time and time again that the top is a lonely and desolate place when that success was their only purpose.
The Lord has blessed me so very richly, and I would like to praise Him in writing. At this stage in my life, there is no greater joy than that imparted through real knowledge and understanding. A false dichotomy has been introduced into our thinking: The separation of heart and mind. It is evident to anyone who is a little quiet and patient that the two are so linked that they are effectively one. This is not only scripturally the case, but experentially. It is no wonder that the knowledge of our God brings a real and satisfying joy to me.
January 10, 2000
Since discovering the source of my trouble ( the trouble I am having at this moment, anyway ) I am filled with mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel that since the trouble is defined, it is more real. On the other, the journey which ends in getting past it all is now a step shorter.
January 14, 2000
I am back at school.
First, a word of advice regarding coffee grinders: If you get a new grinder and it comes with a packet of sample beans, do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to make coffee you intend to drink from them. I was very nearly disgusted to the point of nausea a few moments ago in an attempt to do so. Apparently coffee beans DO spoil ( You, yeah, you, in the back, stop laughing, I didn't know, okay? ).
January 19, 2000
Yesterday was the first day of classes.
I had fluid mechanics ( it has a more technical sounding title, but I just call it fluids ) and thermodynamics. All day. Both have a discussion, and it looks like we will stay for that discussion the entire time every time. So, with the discussion, that's hours per class. "Yech" does not really begin to describe it.
I still have not made a final decision regarding astrophysics. I think it has the potential to be interesting, but I am afraid of the time expenditure involved in taking such a course. Not only that, but it looks like I will be reading quite a bit for my other classes ( the essential ones ) so I am not sure I would have the mental energy to devote to an elective.
Now and again, thoughts I have had in the past are brought back up to the forefront of my attention. While replying to an email the other day, this happened. The old cliche you have doubtless heard before, "you dislike in others the things that remind you of yourself" is perhaps not true, but there is something to it. If you find yourself annoyed with some personality quirk in another individual, the first thing you ought to do is sit down and determine whether you also posess it. When one seriously does this, his own imperfection becomes very apparent to him. One begins to realize why he needs saving so badly. The analysis reveals not simply odd personal facets, but sinful behaviors and desires without end. It is startling to learn that even in the exercise of Christian virtue, we are only a parody of perfection. Not only that, but there seems to be a tendency, in my experience, to regard certain tendencies as virtues which are really only characteristics that my fleshy self admires. Inevitibly, these self-examinations end in a renewed realization that there is a lot of work left to do, and in a type of self-gratifying curiosity about what new and hopefully improved shape the future may find me in.
January 23, 2000
Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that I've lost my faith
Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way
And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know
Show me the way, Show me the way
Take me tonight to the mountain
And wash my confusion away
And if I feel light, should I believe
Tell me how will I know
Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way, show me the way
Give me the strength and the courage
To believe that I'll get there someday
Show me the way
Every night I say a prayer
In the hope that there's a heaven...
Show Me the Way -- Styx
The search for meaning is unverisal. Even when we are not asking questions about significance directly, our desire for answers is implicit in our activities.
January 25, 2000
Men are finite beings. As a result, we are not only limited in our attempts at perfection, we have a dimmed view of imperfection. What I mean is, we really do not have a firm grasp on how terribly ugly our sins are.
I recently had the awful privelege of being allowed a tiny glimpse into the reality of a certain habitual sin of mine. I saw with greater clarity what that sin was like from a higher vantage point. It was only for an infintesimal amount of time, but it was enough to all at once horrify and fill with a morbid wonder. I knew at the very instant it occured that I would never be troubled a great deal with temptation in that area ever again. Never is a long time, but it has been well over a month, and I have not felt even a tiny desire to sink back into my hold way.
January 26, 2000
This will be rather short, then I've got some reading to do.
Without any real introduction, the issue is this: There appear to be quite a few Christians out there who feel like debate is somehow wrong. By debate I mean the debate of Christian doctrine.
To the contrary, we see what looks an awful lot like debating througout the book of Acts.
"Now a Jew named Apollos, an Alexandrian by birth, an eloquent man, came to Ephesus; and he was mighty in the Scriptures.
This man had been instructed in the way of the Lord; and being fervent in spirit, he was speaking and teaching accurately the things concerning Jesus, being acquainted only with the baptism of John;
and he began to speak out boldly in the synagogue. But when Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they took him aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately.
And when he wanted to go across to Achaia, the brethren encouraged him and wrote to the disciples to welcome him; and when he had arrived, he greatly helped those who had believed through grace,
for he powerfully refuted the Jews in public, demonstrating by the Scriptures that Jesus was the Christ." -- Acts 18:24-28 NASB
"Refute" can have few meanings outside of the context of a debate. It is repeated in Young's Literal. The KJV says that he "mightily convinced" the Jews.
"And he[Paul] entered the synagogue and continued speaking out boldly for three months, reasoning and persuading them about the kingdom of God.
But when some were becoming hardened and disobedient, speaking evil of the Way before the people, he withdrew from them and took away the disciples, reasoning daily in the school of Tyrannus.
This took place for two years, so that all who lived in Asia heard the word of the Lord, both Jews and Greeks."--Acts 19:8-10 NASB
Here the NASB says that Paul reasoned. The KJV says "disputed," YLT mirrors the NASB in using the word reasoning.
I'm going to stop here because this list is not meant to be exhaustive. ( In truth, I haven't studied the book of Acts while paying attention to this issue fully, and this is all I have *g* ).
I'm going to make an exception to my normal rule. If anyone reads this and feels he has some convincing evidence that I've misinterpreted the above scripture, contact me, please.
January 28, 2000
How does that saying go? "Many a true word is spoken in jest"?
Perhaps.
One thing we humans tend to do is weight the badness of our wrong-doings. We say that murdering is very bad, while lying isn't always all that wrong. We all have a hierarchy of sinfulness. For instance, I would never touch alcohol as a minor, and I tend (wrongly) to look down on those who do. On the other hand, I tolerate in myself a whole lot of other things that are just as bad.
Anyway, I say all this because I like to ramble. I ramble either to sound intelligent or to avoid the real point. I avoid the real point now because it hurts. It's an admission on my part.
I falsely ranked some habitual sin habits. In my haste to eliminate one (how industrious, right? sheesh), I completely ignored another, which I now see was much more damaging ( I'm not talking about a ranking based on personal choice, I'm talking about a Godly guilt ).
This is an answered prayer. I asked the LORD to move in my heart to clean up certain things. He did exactly that.. He just didn't go after the things I thought He would.
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Contact me: adam.stephens@ttu.edu