March 2000
March 3, 2000
I'm writing partially, but not entirely, out of boredom. There is something waiting to come out, I'm just not quite sure of what it is yet.
It may have something to do with what I was thinking about as I drifted off to sleep early this morning. I was thinking that so many of my attempts to "be good" are misguided. I'm trying to measure up to my own standards or to the standards of my friends. In a sense, I am functioning under a type of legalism. I am more concerned with what actions will make my friends think I'm a good Christian than I am with what the Lord thinks about my heart. I'm not too clear at the moment on where to go from here.
The above didn't just pop into my head. It stemmed from something else entirely. I was really thinking about my heart. I had to very humbly accept that my frustrations with myself are unfounded. Let me explain.
From time to time, I become frustrated with myself for having done or said something I shouldn't have. Okay, so it happens a lot. I'll think to myself, "Adam, why do you do that?" and then, "If only I would do what I *really* wanted to do." ( sound familiar? ) For some reason ( I am quite a blockhead from time to time ), I never stopped to deeply consider what I really wanted.
When I did, it bothered me. My heart is so completely out of alignment.
Occaisionally I am mystified by the degree to which I can confuse myself. I can be very childlike emotionally. What I mean is, I've gotten very good at ignoring the meaning of my emotions. If for some reason I "feel bad," I usually won't go to the trouble of trying to figure out why. I just accept that I feel bad and go on. What I've found, though, is that a half moment of inner observation reveals volumes about my difficulties. What have I been doing? What have I been thinking? They are obvious questions to ask for most people, I guess. To me, they are not. I really expect to change emotional states like changing gears while driving. I am startled when things I don't deal with continue to pop up.
This is so random and disjointed. I'm not making any sense.
March 12, 2000
Today I became bored and read my journals. Not the online ones, but the old ones I kept in high school.
I also read a few message histories on ICQ.
All I can say is, "wow." I don't normally like to claim that I've grown up or become a better person, but I have to make an exception. I've grown up and become a better person.
The other thing I noticed was how even though I didn't understand my problems then as I do now, they were very apparent in my writings.
I was amazed at how selfish and impulsive I was. I mean, I think I'm selfish and impulsive now, but I don't hold a candle to the way I used to be.
Anyway.
March 26, 2000
Yet another month is nearing its end. The year 2000 is nearly a fourth of the way over. Where does the time go? If it's true that the days seem to pass faster as we grow older, they will be flying when I am near death ( if I die of old age ).
I just got back from the Texas State TKD tournament in Dallas. I have a lot to write about, I think.
First, I stayed with a friend. Friday night, I attended a service at the rather unconventional church he is a part of. The service was based on Celtic tradition. The Celts have always been to me a people who mixed pagan earth religion with Christianity. The general feeling of the prayers we read in some way confirmed my belief, but they also changed my perspective. I began to think thoughts that had a courseness and a severe honesty to them. In coopting paganism, the Celtic people added an element to worship that I could not have understood had I not experienced it. Traditional Christianity maintains that God is omnipresent, while many nature based religions seem to say that He (she, it) is in everything. Mixing the two leaves one with slightly impure Christian doctrine which some may regard as heretical, but also with a heady feeling of God's closeness.
The second thing happened at the tournament. I was about to spar, and I was given some advice. I didn't stop to question it or anything, I just took it and went in to the ring. Afterwards I began to wonder why the advice as any good at all. I didn't question the validity. I just wondered why it was true. Then I realized that I had blindly accepted advice from someone solely because of their experience level. The point is this: I am willing to take advice ( no questions asked ) from a falliable human, but at times I can be so stubborn with God. I sit and ponder the rules, as though I can reason out "why" something is objectively right. Interesting stuff.
Finally, ( and this will be foremost in my mind for quite some time ) Saturday night yielded another service at this church. A few moments of meditation was devoted to the difference between what we base our worth on and what God bases our worth on. We tend to equate accomplishments with individual worth -- The worth both of ourselves and of others. God, on the other hand, sent His Son not because we had earned it, but because we had worth apart from our accomplishments.
Anyway, that was it.
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Contact me: adam.stephens@ttu.edu