November 1999
November 11, 1999
More serious then serious.
Pride beyond pride.
As I sit and watch myself, I realize I may very well be doing the thing that I promised myself I would not do.
I'm forced to evaluate two things, then. First, am I really betraying myself? Second, Does it matter?
There are so many things to consider.
November 29, 1999
As a matter of fact, I do have better things to do then write. I'm writing anyway.
Thanksgiving was Thanksgiving. Nothing really different then in years past. We showed up, ate, watched football, then went home. It was short. I ended up waking up much too early nearly every day because while we were at my grandmother's home, I slept on a fold out couch right next to the kitchen. My grandmother and aunts are all early risers. It would have been a blessed miracle to have slept past 7:30. That was only possible with a great deal of determination.
I have a great feeling of anticipation. I really don't know what I'm looking forward to. If I sit for just a bit and think, I can here a voice saying, "Go, go, go."
I have about decided ( for the umpteenth time ) that I will be writing a short systematic theology at some point in the near future. I'd like to do just a bit more reading before I attempt it.
Yes, this is drivel. I could write things that are more interesting, but I'm afraid to. I have been praying that my insecurities would be taken away.
November 29,1999(cont)
Why do I always feel as though I can save myself through knowledge? I'm developing an impressive library of Christian literature.. all to verify to myself that what I believe is correct. Oh, sure, i'm learning alot. I'm not afraid of skeptics anymore. Only because I can give them the same sets of answers that I've given myself. Sometimes I step back and see what this information is really for. It's not for me to believe..It's for evangelism. I've also gotten fairly decent at recognising attempts to play fast and loose with scripture. I'd like to think that i've almost got a way down to understand the Bible without confusing myself. I dunno. It seems fairly straightforward to me, in most cases. If everyone is reading the same Bible, I don't understand all the time all the room people find for interpretation. When you really have to crimp and twist, you really ought to question whether or not you're right.
The one thing I feel I'm loosing is my innocence. There is a wisdom in being ignorant. Not having been exposed to all the forms we've found to place data and experience into.
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On the other hand, I rarely like to hear, "Just because it's that way" for an answer.( "Why" is such a child-like question )And whenever you assume a form, you eventually come to that. If you can prove your form, then you are doing so with some ideas that exist beyond your form, else your proof is wrong ( nothing can prove itself ). And if you are proving your form with something external to it, then there is obviously a form which is larger in scope then the one you are proving.
Anyway, there has to come a basis that simply exists. If we are just matter plus energy plus chance, then that basis I suppose is the physical structure of our minds. We can't change that. If there is a god ( by definition a "necessary being,") then that god is the basis. Whatever rules he/she/it has written into our reality limits us.
On second thought, after considering what i said above about "Why?", I think I have miss-stepped. It seems to me that the child will accept things as they are more often then not. They are comfortable with the basis if an authority sets it up. I guess we begin to say "why" more and more often as we become the authorities ourselves.
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Contact me: adam.stephens@ttu.edu